AIBU or is Brother being a Billy big balls?

[NomadicEthusiasm]

DF has a significant birthday much later this year, late October..DB contacted me to ask if I'd go in on a weekend stay for DF and DM somewhere as gift. I didn't reply immediately, got a sarky tumbleweed gif 16 hours later. Responded with 'sounds good'. I didn't commit, I basically had a million and one other things in my mind, not a birthday 8 months away.
He went ahead and booked it, nowt to pay until a week before, so free cancellation. But it's £440.
Now, we are higher earners than DB and his wife, but, live in a much more expensive part of the country, huge mortgage, we have two teens, they're child free. We all grew up poor, so whilst we are still budget supermarket shoppers and have one crappy car, we have one nice holiday w eye couple of years and don't have to worry about bills. We are in a much better position than many, but we are still careful, but for the grace of god and all that.
We don't spend money like that on birthdays. Nor do my parents. They gave me £50 fory 40th.
I said I'd need to speak to DH. DB immediately started messaging that it shouldn't be a problem, I had months to save and they spent £300 on one night for DM's last big birthday etc.
He was unquestionably rude.
I have a very strained but civil relationship with my parents. He is geographically and emotionally much closer. I moved out a few weeks after my 18th, moved country and never went back to live. He lived with them until he was 32. Largely rent free. I get why he wants to spoil them. Although he really doesn't have the money.
We value time and experiences together over money. He is about what looks good on Instagram primarily.
I left it as no rush, we will consider it. He has now, 2 days later, said don't worry if you're going to be petty, we will pay for the whole stay. I replied saying probably for the best. We will sort something else. Not to mention, if we visit, we have to pay for plane tickets, hire car, airport parking and dog boarding before we even get there.
He clearly thinks I'm pathetic and tight.

You're not wrong. I guess I would just never attempt to commit someone to a spend without checking. I had called, that call was declined
We have 8 months, there is no rush.
I honestly think he had actually booked it before he asked me and then had second thoughts and wanted to split the cost

@NomadicEthusiasm ok, my mistake. I thought you said high earner but I see you just said than you earn more than your brother.

In which case, ok, maybe the money is a lot, which may be an issue.

I think you would have been fine to say "sorry, I can't afford that", but you said "sounds good", however, at that point you didn't know how much it was.

So, yes, I can see why he's out you in a difficult position.

I guess it comes down to how much you like your parents and brother.

I think you're going to have to just carry on with getting your own gift and your brother can like it or lump it.

The thing is it’s clear from all your posts that you don’t want to spend that amount of money. You are bringing lots of back stories etc into play here and obviously have strong feelings on it all.

So don’t contribute your half if that’s how you feel. But you do have to accept that most people would have taken your comment of “sounds good “ as acceptance that you agreed with the proposal being suggested. I would have taken that as a yes.

If you had said something along the lines of… “great idea but let’s discuss further and come up with a plan”. Or “yes in principle but we need to agree a budget that works for us both”. Or any number of answers but you just said “sounds good”. To me that’s saying yes.

The only mistake you made was not being clear when you said “sounds good”.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. My mother has a significant birthday this year, we too have a very strained relationship. My siblings are the golden children, I moved away as soon as I could and for all sense and purpose I might as well not exist. I won’t be contributing to any big presents, or weekends away. I’ll send flowers and a card as I always do, and be done with it.

Don’t send the money, don’t spend hundreds of pounds on a grown man’s birthday when you have your own family to think of. Just do what you’d normally do and let your brother do what he wants to do.

Your brother prob booked it as he thought you were agreeing. Saying sounds good I’d have thought that too. You don’t sound as though your skint either.

So your contribution would be £220? That's quite a lot but I'd have been happy to pay that for my Dad's significant birthday. But I loved him and we were very close. If you don't feel like you want to spend that much, then don't. It's fine. You're entitled to feel how you feel.

I think there's probably quite a back story to this and your brother booking the trip is a bit of a red herring.

It’s an impossible question to answer.

For my in-laws significant birthday we happily spent thousands taking the entire family (10 people) away for a week in a large villa.

I wouldn’t spend a single £1 on my own DF.

But you needed to be clearer and more explicit in your communication with your brother.

Just tell him to cancel and buy your own gift.
Maybe apologise for being unclear to him.

I think you didn't communicate very well with your DB. Your points about how expensive it is are very valid but you've caused confusion.

^^ this
Also how has it suddenly come up now so late in the day? Surely it should have been discussed after it was booked, £220 each to be paid by x date? All sounds very vague on your part and now you don't want to commit to something you agreed to

Late in the day? I don't think you've read my messages properly.
It was suggested by him literally a few days ago that we could send them 'somewhere'. I said sounds good. For context it is mid week out of season, there are some lovely hotels that do £199 for two nights for a couple, so £100 each. I, incorrectly, responded with sounds good. I had tried to ring, but he didn't take the call as he didn't want to wake his dog 🙄
He then proceeded to book somewhere that was £440 for two nights.
The birthday is in late Oct.

I think you read a different OP.

I think you're both reasonable to want to spend whatever you want to spend, and you were both unreasonable in your communication about it. He should've spoken to you properly before going ahead with that particular booking and you shouldn't have said "sounds good" as it suggested you agreed to him cracking on.

At this point, I think you should arrange a time to call him for a chat. Explain that you have higher bills to pay, that you and your parents don't spend that much even on big birthdays, and that you'll be spending £300 to visit. Suggest that he cancels that booking and you look into somewhere more reasonable, or he can pay and you'll sort your own gift.

It’s always about the communication, something we Brits are generally poor at.
Looks like the above applies to both of you.

Not Brits. But ok.

You sound like a very difficult and bitter person.

If it's a weekend away for your parents, why do you need to buy flights?

Your messages suggest you have lots of tings going through your mind right now, and your communication isn't the clearest. Sounds like a big mix up from both ends.

Do what is right for you. Be aware it may strain relationships further with your brother.

I don't need to buy their flights. We would love to see my dad, haven't seen him since last summer as it stands.
I know he'd appreciate that. In that case whilst we would still get him a gift, we have to consider the cost of our flights and the associated costs of visiting, making a large spend tricky

Thank you. Helpful observation based off one topic
My immediate family do bring out certain feelings
However I know that that is not who I am in general. Different priorities.

Well tell him it's more than you can afford and he should have waited until you'd actually discussed it properly and agreed a budget.
Suggest he cancels it if he can't afford to pay.

£200 for a big birthday if you can afford it I think is fine, especially if it doesn't need paying for immediately, we don't generally go that big for birthdays but there's something df has always wanted to do that was about £500 dB and I went halves for his 70th. We also took him out for dinner which was an additional cost, but if you're not doing that aspect I think £220 on a birthday all in for a big birthday is fine if you're financially comfortable. I spend similar on DH and DS.
If you don't want to that's also fine, but you've confused matters by seemingly agreeing to it and now pulling out.
I initially thought it was £440 each and was going to suggest you tell him you can afford to chip in £200

@NomadicEthusiasm - if it's that far away still then definitely cancel and book something more like £100 each then

Your brother sounds generous, and I'd happily pay that for a significant birthday present for my father. However, you don't seem to have a good relationship with your parents so I assume it's different.you did cause confusion by saying "Sounds good". I suppose you just need to tell him you can't contribute.

OP, considering your non relationship with your brother and your poor one with your parents I think it is strange you are being involved with a present with him.

I wouldn't discuss it further with your brother whom seems to be a bully spoiling for a fight.

It sounds like a Billy big balls moment so let him crack on.

Send flowers on the day and be done with it.