bum pinching in night clubs!

[ventandrant]

I am a parent to 2 teens one being almost 19 and she has just started going out, she goes to pubs in the town centre and quite likes the pub culture but what she hates is men/boys constantly looking at her. Last weekend her and her friends went clubbing after the pub and her friend got her bum pinched, her friends parents are now in talks with the club as her friend thinks she was sexually assaulted, because it wasn't consensual and he didn't ask first they think this is sexual assault.

My DD said in the club its constantly boys trying to touch girls up but they don't ask first so it is assault. When I was young and used to go clubbing that is how it was - you may get touched and then you would have a snog on the dance floor sometimes it would lead to exchanging numbers but other times it would lead to absolutely nothing and sometimes I would end up snogging 3 men in one night!!

They say they will never go clubbing again as they are scarred for life but two of them especially seem of frightened of boys even talking to them because of this culture of "consent", their other friend is the opposite she flirts constantly and has had lots of one night stands and several relationships with boys from about 14 onwards but none of the other three have.

Opinions please. Is this assault? I want to try and give her a balanced view of life and relationships but she thinks all boys are bad because all you hear about is "assault" and "consent".

Where the fuck did you get that I think we are male property to be groped? You daft muppet.

How is an OP being okay with her daughter being SAed/SHed? That's disgusting.

Have to admit, when DS told his uni friends about the girl who slapped his bum, they all laughed and said he should have enjoyed it

Very sorry. Could someone tell me what DD means?

Oh fgs. Where did she say she was ok with it?

DD = dear daughter

In my opinion I wouldn't call it sexual assault and neither do most people i have spoken to in IRL

Would you still feel that it wasn’t sexual assault if someone groped your daughter in a train station or in Tesco?

No, because a 19-year-old is an adult and any decision to involve the police would be made by her, not by her parents. You don't seem to have much sense of your daughter as a person in her own right.

This is my DD's friend and her parents have taken it to the police as they don't feel it is a safe environment for their daughter to have been in.

I think the bottom line is that this sort of behaviour happens in clubs - regardless of whether it should or not it does. My DD and her friend feel violated by this type of behaviour so really us parents should have been firmer from the start and not allowed them to go (although at 18 they are adults ). As I said before some other girls in their friendship are not bothered by the behaviour that goes on in nightclubs.

Lets just say they will not set foot in a nightclub again ever.

I’m guessing the police response and clubs will be then she shouldn’t of gone 🤷‍♀️

Im guessing there will be cctv, but surely a police investigation into a bum pinch is a complete waste of police resources. There will be absolutely no conviction. Rapists, groomers and abusers get let of so a bum pinch….

All uni hall rooms have locks and security at night, please reassure her. You need to see things in a different light and be happy she's being so picky and standing for her rights, so many young girls and women end up in abusive relationships. I was one of them, I'm glad there is so much more education on consent and control.

Sounds like she’s copped on early that a lot of men are utterly shit and grim.

She doesn’t have to have a boyfriend, and wanting a female only dorm at uni is perfectly valid.

Same with my DD19 experience. Puts her off going to clubs etc which is so unfair on her and her friends. Who wants to be mauled by some bloke who thinks he's entitled to grope women just because he wants to?

I think it's good that they are calling men out on this. It is assault .
When I was young it was awful in some clubs. I recall getting my bum pinched and once or twice men putting there hands round to try to reach further 😳 it's frightening to think it was more accepted 20 or 30 years ago.

I think it’s brilliant that they refuse to tolerate it. When I started going out clubbing it happened all the time and even though we shrugged it off it was still uncomfortable. Makes me angry now that those men thought they had the right to do that. But that’s because we allowed it. I hope attitudes like your daughter’s are the turning point for this behaviour.

Yes it’s assault. Used to happen to me all the time as a student. I got to the point where I’d smack their face if they pinched my bum. The amount who unironically shouted “You’ve assaulted me” was staggering. I wouldn’t advise this these days BTW, the world is more dangerous. But I certainly wouldn’t have let it stop me doing something I enjoyed. That’s how they win

Why wouldn't you advise them doing what you did?

Because they could get smacked twice as hard back. Men are scarily violent now, incel and Andrew Tate culture is telling men that punching women is “equality”, annd that they’re entitled to what they want with whatever woman they want and if they don’t get it she’s a bitch. there’s a new wave of misogyny that is terrifying.

Unbelievably this has happened to me 3 times quite recently as a middle aged married woman by middle aged men I know really well. One a step cousin at a wake, one an ex fling at a uni reunion and he also pussy grabbed me and my friends husband at a party when I hugged them both. Each time I was so shocked I didn’t say anything and still haven’t apart from to some friends who didn’t really say anything, I kind of felt like I was making it up.

When did you grow up, OP? Your attitudes seem very 70s.

I was a pretty young woman in the 80s and 90s and constantly received unwanted attention, including bum pinching. It was bloody awful then and it’s bloody awful now. Worse, in fact, because young men should know better now.

Your OP reads like you think your daughter is somehow lacking. She isn’t. You probably are.

Whoever said this was normal and acceptable when they were young is talking utter rubbish. Or is a bloke wishful thinking. I'm almost retirement age, and I assure you we never rewarded being touch up with a "snog and a dance". Blokes who did that were sleazy twats, and any of the few women who liked it were of the non thinking variety.

I went out clubbing in the nineties, I had my boobs grabbed, hands shoved between my legs. Men grinding against me and so did my friends. This was from age 14 onwards. Looking back I have no clue why we accepted but it was normalised at the time.

I'm glad women are calling men out on this behaviour, women should be able to go to a nightclub and dance without being sexually assaulted.

She turned down a house party tonight as she said there will be boys and men there and she doesn't want to be around them.
Ignoring the well-covered SA conversation, the above statement is really, really strange. Something other than a bit of bum pinching or knee touching must have happened. I may have missed it, but has she had any therapy or similar? Men really aren't that scary.

Of course it’s sexual assault

I often was sexually assaulted on the tube which most people would agree is disgusting and it makes no difference if I was in a club having a good time my body is mine not for other to grab or touch because they want to

I think when you first going out the constant attention and trying to talk to you from men can feel overwhelming

and from discussions I have had with younger colleagues and family men are often a lot more aggressive in their approach than when I was young

It is assault and they can be prosecuted if found. My brothers friend was! Drunk and carried away but yes it’s unwanted touching and it’s assault. A lesson to all.

”culture of consent” is better than “culture of tolerating sexual abuse” and it’s a shame you can’t be more proud of your daughter for identifying this and protecting herself.