Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

Your children appear to behave like adults - OP's doesn't. Therefore needs to be treated accordingly until he gets the message. I'm imagining a thread in a few years about the son now married refusing to share chores and responsibilities..

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.

Are you afraid of losing your son OP?

You seem very adrift with all of this.

Why is it so hard to tell them you've had a change of heart?

That she can't stay over.

That they need to use her student flat if they want to be together in bed.

It's not hard but you seem to be making it hard for yourself.

Your son's moving hours away soon so he's clearly not that bothered about being at home with you- it's just handy now.

Probably because she is single and very tired and drained. The world is exhausting right now.
I would leave it today and go out in the sun if possible, even for 30 minutes. Look at some happy dogs ( Its what I am doing) and eat an icecream.
Tomorrow, try to have a calm but firm conversation.

I am finding it hard or I wouldn't have posted on here.

V important when you have adult kids at home to take time out for - wanky word- self care. I hope you have the time and money to walk, meet friends, do some exercise or whatever makes you happy. We are quite cramped ourselves and that's what keeps me sane.
DD went through a nocturnal phase during the pandemic and it was infuriating. But she's now back to normal.

Thanks for sharing that. Did you resolve it before they went away? I too feel very drained, I am so tired. @rubberduck68

Not entirely but he definitely knew that we hadn't enforced much clearer rules before he left because it was coming to an end and we were very fed up. It is clear DS has had time to reflect whilst away too. Originally he said he was going to buy or rent a flat when he got back - now he is back peddling as he is more realistic about the costs. We're not though. That is dawning on him and he had admitted to learning a few lessons the hard way.

We did enforce some rules before he left and he was respectful (not consistently though) - more so with his dad. Tried to play one of us off the other (maybe not consciously but...) - 'dad doesn't mind' [YES he does!]. Got upset and said I didn't like her when talking to him about how much she was here - made it clear that wasn't the case but she was most definitely outstaying her welcome (at his invitation). I know DH has heated discussions with him too - the ones with me seemed more emotional though.

It felt like every few days (probably because it was) we were having to say something or he was ever so politely asking for an extension or a flex due to reason x, y or z (usually a sob story). That in itself was draining. Without going into the details there was also real concern that he was being naïve and was being used (not saying it was conscious but...) as an escape from home. The whole situation continues to drain us even if we are enjoying having our house back and better sleep. DH and I talked today a bit about how we are going to handle things when he gets back.

I swear this has been the hardest stage in parenting. Just when you get over one thing something else comes along.

Hope you can resolve this as painlessly as possible @rubberduck68 . They need tough love but it can be so hard finding the right balance between that and support.

No, if you’re easily woken and can’t get back to sleep after, your son should respect that and not disturb you so late.

If you don’t like to find washing up on the side and crumbs all over the place, your son should respect that. Don’t give in and do it for him.

You shouldn’t have to keep saying. That’s what you need in your home. Make it clear that’s the boundary. And if he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to get his own place or share with other people, who’ll also probably have boundaries or breach his.

I really feel for you, OP.

I grew up in a blended family where there ended up being seven children and sometimes we were all there at once. The ages ranged from three late teens, two children at junior school, a toddler and a baby. It must have driven my dad and step mother absolutely nuts. I think it drove us all nuts at some points and I moved out as soon as I could.

One thing my dad used to say has always stayed with me: 'This is my house and I pay the bills, so I make the rules. If you don't like them you can leave'. It sounds harsh, but it worked.

Get that fucking vacuum cleaner out and start working right beside his goddamned head. Then tell him if his arse isn't out of bed, dressed and downstairs ready for an adult discussion his "playdates" with his girlfriend in your home are over permanently as he's still clearly a child.

Jesus woman - throw a bucket of cold water over the git.

I am finding it hard or I wouldn't have posted on here.

I wonder why?

In life in general, do you find it hard to establish boundaries?
Can you not say 'No'?

This is just one thing in your life that is going on.
Maybe there are others or have been.

Maybe you could consider talking therapy to work out why you find it so hard to call out unreasonable and selfish behaviour from your child- even if he is 20-something.

I can only assume you feel your relationship with him is insecure and you're scared of a long term rift.

He'd possibly respect you a lot more if you had more self-worth.

Gf needs to be going to her own place at 3am.
I think perfectly acceptable to have the rule that there's no cooking or talking after 12pm.
They can quietly come in and go to bed but I guess they arnt doing that.

On another note earplugs and sleep mask/headphone thingy that plays white noise has been lifesaver for me. I have a dh who works shifts and I'm a super light sleeper

I agree with this.
She is way too entlitled and cheeky.

I can't imagine raising a daughter who'd have the cheek to behave like this.

She sounds a right little madam.

Just tell them she is not to come to your house after she gets off work. She can visit on her days off.

If it were just OP's kids, she would probably be fine. It's the girlfriend that is the issue as she insists on staying at OP's when she finishes work at 3.00 am rather than going back to her shared house. OP's son and girlfriend are always noisy, cook food at 3.00 am and never clear up. Her son contributes nothing, no rent or payment for food or utilities. Surely if they expect to be treated like adults by OP, they should behave like adults and have some consideration. OP sounds at the end of her tether.

Oh blimey, no. Is that how it sounds? Not at all perfect, by any means ha! OP was asking how to live with adult kids and I was giving an example of how it works with us. @Nanny0gg, yes they pay towards the (huge) rent and bills, one out of student finance.

The truth is not all parents want to live with their adult kids and not all adult kids want to live with their parents. They’d find it as irritating as hell and want their own space. That’s perfectly understandable.

Sounds like OP and her DS want v different lifestyles and have v different standards, so he only has two options: move out or suck it up.

The danger is if she and OP’s son get more serious and get married, have kids etc…

Well they have shown that they don't want to respect your quite reasonable requests while she is staying. Therefore, she can no longer stay. Or if she does the limit it to what you can actually tolerate knowing their behaviour likely won't change - one night a week?

God it sounds awful OP.

Yes, you absolutely should enforce your very reasonable expectations.

To your son - you are living here rent free. Please do not disturb me after 11am. Your GF is welcome here up to 3 nights a week and again she doesn't disturb me after 11am.

This is not a student house. If they want a student lifestyle of late nights and not getting up in the morning, ordering Just eat at 2am then they need to stay at hers.

There’s no point having the conversation when he’s half asleep.

When he wakes up let him properly be awake and tell him you need to sit and have a chat.

Tell him everything you have here and that he’s an adult and he needs to start being more respectful.

Tell him that from now on, no one is allowed to stay during the week and if he choose to have a friend or gf stay on the weekend, then they need to be respectful of other people in the house.

Tell him you respect them enough to not be banging around and hoovering at 6am, so why can’t they give you that same respect at 3am.

My mum threatened me with a bucket of cold water once and she would have done it too. The day I left school at 16, I was given a very short time to get a job or leave the house, i legt at 18. Cant belive how young adults are pandered to today.

yup this. surely his bedroom needs hoovering?

”My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult”.

I’d tell him he and his girlfriend don’t have to have a curfew, @rubberduck68 - they just need to be quiet when they come in late at night - not an unreasonable expectation on your part.

This. I am dumbfounded.

No one who awakens me in the middle of the night is coming back.

If your son's argument is that as an adult he shouldn't have a curfew, you can tell him he doesn't.
He does however have to abide by the rules of the house and as long as he (and his girlfriend) are under your roof, there is a noise issue and they have to agree that they will not make any noise coming into the house or if they wake up and are wandering around downstairs after 11pm or midnight (whichever suits you). That's a house rule and you will also abide by it.
If they don't want to have rules applied to them, they can move out. Sooner rather than later and face the options of having to pay hefty rents/utilities/food costs. It's their call.

If you're called to a meeting - call one of your own first! You own the house, you can decide what is and isn't acceptable by any one staying under that roof!