Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

Tell them that they are free to live with her mother so.
Don't put up with any more of either of their guff!

I just haven't much experience of how to live with adult kids, what boundaries are reasonable for us both, and this forum is helping me with that.

Just tell him no overnight guests, period. They aren't going to die if they have to find somewhere else to be alone.

He needs to focus on finding work, saving money and bettering himself, not sleeping in and getting laid. Sorry but how has he been allowed to become such an inconsiderate, lazy person?

I feel for you @rubberduck68 . I think at this stage, I'd say no to anymore stayovers from her. She lives locally, and they're moving in together in 6 months. There's no real need for her to HAVE to stay over at your house. He'll just have to deal with the unhealthy co-dependency they've got going on.

And there's no way I'd have my child's girlfriend/boyfriend bring me to a MEETING in my own home - that would get my back right up. You've been so tolerant to date.

No more sleepovers, and when she visits, she needs to leave no later than 10/11pm at night.

If they don't like it, he can go sleep over at hers. They've blown it, I'd not pander to them anymore.

And as for him being tired, you should have replied "how do you think I feel when you both wake me up constantly in the night?"

On this point I'd be telling DS that he can move out now to his father's place and he can meet up with his GF at the weekends. You are no longer going to be disrespected in your home by either of them and they are BOTH taking the piss here.

She can finish Uni and stay in her student lodgings while she does that.

I was thinking about just this today. If my daughter behaved like this to her partner's parents I'd be mortified. I've let her boyfriends stay over at mine too and have never had any of this bother. Kitchen is cleaned, they are quiet at night, and have never, ever had a young man ask me to justify myself to him.

Be careful before you get called to a meeting 😂

He just appeared to get water. I asked him to sit down for a chat and he said, "I'm exhausted, talk later," and walked out of the kitchen. I followed him upstairs and he slammed the door in my face. I told him that was rude, no answer. He is an adult, I don't feel I can keep going in there and standing over his bed while he ignores me. I kind of think I might say something I will regret if I don't walk away.

He knows what you are going to say, and likely knows you are right to then say it. So he is avoiding it.

You're in the right in drawing a firm boundary in place today.

If they suggested that to me their feet wouldn't touch the ground, sounds like the Dingles out of Emmerdale 😂.

I am properly fed up with this now, and feel stuck: I can't make a 6ft 3" man leave his bedroom and talk to me if he doesn't want to, but I also can't make any progress. Maybe I should DM him or send a Tik Tok, If he won't pay me the courtesy of sitting opposite me and having a proper talk in person? Or I should just send him The New House Rules in a word document or WA.

This disrespect ends now - no more sleepovers from her again. That's it, the line has been well and truly crossed.

Why don't you kick him out? Lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate lout.

I wouldn't be talked to like that.

I worked in a club one uni summer. I used to get the taxi driver to drop me off at the entrance to our very small road, walk quietly to our door, open and lock it as quietly as possible and tip toe upstairs and make as little noise as possible getting to bed. These two are ridiculously entitled!

You need to kick him out!

The time for talking just expired. He is in his 20s but shows you huge disrespect, behaves like a 15yo and yet expects to sponge off you (presumably you fund his life as he has no job?). Then sits back and lets his rude GF lecture you on how you should behave in your own home?

I’d ban the GF completely from today. If he doesn’t like it he can get his own flat and have her over as much as he likes. Then just repeat that every single time he complains. And get her keys back.

I’d tell him his behaviour towards you is completely unacceptable and he should make plans to get a job and pay rent or move to his dad’s by the end of March. Then enforce this boundary. He doesn’t deserve your support and loyalty if he thinks it’s OK to slam a door in your face.

You are not asking for much and they are both being outrageous CFs - no more pussy footing around them. Zero tolerance!

I would message him and tell him to have the decency to come downstairs and have a conversation like an adult, otherwise you will make a unilateral decision (and that would mean telling him to pack and leave). His behaviour is absolutely appalling. I agree with the PP who said he knows he's completely in the wrong.

You tell him he can start packing now!
Especially as he pays nothing

He may be an adult but he is behaving like a child. He has no responsibilities and does not pay his way. Give him an ultimatum. He may prefer to wait until his girlfriend has finished at Uni before moving to his dad's, but tell him that that option is no longer available. He moves out now. He has no job so he can move immediately. He is actually making you ill.

oh say it! I bet you won't regret it

I thought you said summer, so I assumed 3 months maximum.
And, no, of course it’s not normal. Obviously you have every right to tell your son to stop being a selfish prick and for his girlfriend to never stay again. It’s your house, you can do what you like. But MN is full of people who are “NC” with their parents, and women who refuse to allow evil MIL to be involved with grandchildren, and I know I’d be scared of turning this into a huge battle when I just had 3 months left to tolerate. But that’s just my view as an outsider. I’m not living it like you are.

no but you can make him leave the house. You can enter his room and start stuffing his possessions into black sacks!

Give him a fright. Next time they go out at night bolt the doors so they can’t get back in and ignore any calling by banging on the door or phoning you to get you up so they let you in. Afterwards in the following day tell them that they will not be getting in the house after 11pm as they disturb you and don’t care about it at all. Do this a few times and they will get the message. Don’t take nonsense from either of them as it is YOUR house. They can stay at her student let if they get home late.

You certainly need strong words with him. He's doing nothing at all in his career/ job world, he could work at a supermarket etc to earn money to pay rent. You need to insist that he's an adult and is becauving like a child and no woman worth their salt would put up with that once she has a degree and a job, she'll be surrounded by men who contribute and work, who have grown up, he's being an entitled little boy at the moment

He's just gone out, said he has to drop some shoes off to her for her work, I am fuming. I said that's not as important as talking about what is happening in our home and he just left. I feel like changing the bloody locks!