Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

I think what is abundantly clear from his thread is that I have no idea what the hell to do, so yeah, probably doing it all wrong.

This thread is giving me the rage - summoning you to meetings???? I suggest you tell your son that she can no longer stay over. If that means he moves out early, so be it.

I would turn the radio on really loud and make loads of noise to get him up.

Can you explain why they can't rent a flat for themselves?

If they want to be independent and come and go as they please, that's the answer.

If they don't earn enough- well, their problem. Study harder, work harder, earn more.

What is your son's long term plan to live away from his parents?

Difficult all around - not really....she has a room in a shared student house nearby - they need to go there - but maybe her housemates dont want to be disturbed at 3am by her or dont want her jobless BF hanging around the house 24/7....

Hahahaha

No it's not difficult at all.

She goes back to her student house and either stop sleeping with her boyfriend when she comes home at 2am, or they find their own flat.

If they want to be treated as adults, they need to pay their own way not inflict their late nights on other people.

She's a student in third year of Uni, and he is unemployed. Did have a job but made redundant months ago (tech) and nothing else since.

Why don't the kids care about the OP?

Surely he can get a hospitality job whilst he's applying for another tech job - maybe the same place as his GF?

But you also said he had a lot of savings.

He's had months to find a job and companies are crying out for IT people.

Is he trying to find a job?

How is it going to be any easier by moving in with his dad- is there more work there?

Sorry but you need to put your foot down.

My kids are adults and living in their own homes.

There is simply no way I'd have tolerated this.

Why can't you just say that this girl can't stay overnight and if they want to sleep together they go to her uni flat?
It really is that simple.

I'd be shouting 'Welcome to my fucking world!' as I tipped a bucket of water over him

Whilst turning my music up and hoovering outside his room

How bloody dare he!

OP turn off the internet!

You've made a rod for your own back.

Take control and tell her she can't stay.

End of.

It's your house.

It is when it's under her roof!

Op I didn't mean to make you feel like that. My reply was to someone else who I think has quoted you.

I have adult children who have left and come back a few times. It's always difficult to navigate.

We had some give and take around their nocturnal hours, so Saturday night/early Sunday morning I accepted I'd get woken but work nights they had to respect unless it was a special reason.
I also didn't hoover until 11ish if they were still in bed.

I really would love to, but I am working at home this afternoon, well obvs not enough, I'm on here but this is keeping me sane! If I switch off the internet I might go down the rabbit hole!

I’ve lived in lots of shared houses, so view living with my adult DC like that: adults I share a home with.

We have respect for each other, we keep out of each other’s business, we have certain expectations of each other (e.g. doing our own chores, cleaning up our own mess and sharing household chores, like cleaning). If any of us has a problem, we air it and find a compromise we’re all happy with - and stick to it. We take it in turns to cook dinner for each other. But I never expect them to eat with me. Sometimes they don’t.

My DC are nocturnal. I used to be at their age. I was never up before lunchtime unless I had to be for work etc and regularly stayed in bed all days at weekends in my 20s. Occasionally mine wake me up (not through noise, as they’re as quiet as possible: usually toasting waffles at 3am!). I tell them and they apologise, as any decent adult house sharer would do, and don’t do it again.

I never storm into their bedroom and demand they get up. In fact, I never go in their bedroom at all, without knocking. I don’t judge their lifestyle or friends. I don’t treat them like a kid. They’re adults.

My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any

I don't know why you agree with that.

Have some boundaries and stop being a doormat.

He can come and go as he likes when he has his own home.

You're enabling him to be dependent on you and totally lacking in respect.

I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over when I lived at home at 21. At the time I thought it was unreasonable but now I'm nearly 40 I totally get it. Parents don't want another adult in their home who they don't really know staying up late and doing god knows.
It's a good incentive to move out quickly. I did at 21 with my sister then with flatmates and had a blast. Everyone seemed to do that back then.
I know it's more expensive now but flat shares are still available.
Stop letting the gf over in the evenings. She's rude and extremely disrespectful.

Change the password, switch off, switch back on. Takes two minutes tops. Then don't give him the new password..

You're perfect, clearly.

Do they share ALL the bills equally?

Oh bugger. Change the password then 😘

I think a rule that if they're arriving and staying together fine but on days she is working then she can't stay and if he wants to see her he can go to hers.

So I should just tell them I am unhappy at 3.00 am every time they do it, and that is the answer? Also, they don't respect the shared spaces like the kitchen etc. I often come in from a night out and they've cooked and I say, "please clean up the kitchen" and I come down in the morning and it's still all there, and will be all day without a fight, or worse me having to do it so I can use the worktops!

I didn't storm into his bedroom. I knocked (I always do), and when he said I could go in, I sat quietly on the end of his bed and talked to him in a normal voice. He fell back to sleep, so I left.