Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

Good for you for sticking up for yourself OP.

To be fair to your son, it sounds a bit like he is stuck between you and his demanding girlfriend, but that is his problem to solve not yours.

Welll done OP. Good result

If he is struggling with sleeping he really needs to adopt a 'normal' and consistent pattern of sleep

I wonder if someone showed him or his GF this thread!

Hmmm. Well, he's said the "right things" and you know better than any of us how likely he is to stick to them.

I'd still do a bit more to reduce his comfort in Mummy's home. Encourage him to grow the hell up.

Change the password on your wifi, immediately. He doesn't get to use it any more. He can go to GF's flat to use hers or, if he needs it for job applications, go use the free ones in cafes and libraries.

He's forced you to work through your tiredness multiple times yet he's whining about not sleeping when he's not working, so his empathy is seriously lacking. He's not the only person in the world who matters and frankly, taking a massive dump on the person who feeds you and puts a roof over your head is seriously stupid.

No overnight guests in your home unless you invite them yourself. He has forfeited that perk. He wants a special night with his gal, he goes to her place.

Amazing job @rubberduck68 👏🏽 Proud of you. Please do not let him deviate from these boundaries even by 1mm.

I just hope he's not just saying what you want to hear, time will tell. Here's to a good nights sleep for you tonight @rubberduck68

It really is a thankless task, sometimes, isn't it!

I'm glad he apologised. He needs to find work - it's no good him thinking he doesn't have to do anything except sleep all day. And she needs to attend lectures and do some studying, too, otherwise she'll leave uni with a degree she can't use.

Let's hope he stays out for the rest of the weekend, OP. Do you have friends you can see tonight?

Triggered?

Do you mean pissed off?

Well said, @CocoapuffPuff

Make it less comfortable for him.

At min he should be doing four hours of job seeking and four hours of housework per day. Socializing comes last as it does for most responsible adults.

No more lolling.

If he went to bed at a decent hour & arose early to do something energetic and productive, his sleep troubles soon would disappear.

Well done OP. Now he needs to get up on Monday morning and get a job.

Yes, he said he needs to get back into this exercise routine, and is currently negotiating a contract with a company who have been messing him around, but should know by Monday. He usually tells me nothing about work stuff, just that he has some recruitment person looking for him, and he often has online interviews because I can hear them in his room (why do men speak so loudly online!). As has been remarked on here just now, let's hope he sticks to it, and that I don't let him deviate even even a mm... I'm going to have to keep on it, but for now I am just looking forward to an early night and a really, really long, uninterrupted sleep! And yes, I suspect he is stuck between pleasing his GF and his mother, but that is really his problem, and I reckon she is starting to realise who makes the rules in this house, and it is not going to be her!!

It really is. I hope he gets works soon, and I am going to be much more proactive with sitting on that. Tonight I just want to crawl into bed early and sleep!

I do hope so!

Yeah, I think empathy seems to be really lacking in the early twenty-year-olds. That is I think part of the problem. well, one of the many....

Yes, his dad is very arrogant, but my son has never really been before. I think there is something about this relationship that he's in that is changing him a bit, but I guess he has to work that out for himself...

No, he's quite a gentle soul usually, but he is a big 'un and I look ridiculously small next to him... I know a few friends who try and lecture their tree of a son whilst wishing they had a step ladder!!

Oh very well done OP! 👏 👏

OP you are allowing them to take the p- -s. Yes they’re physical adults but behaving like out of control toddlers.lay the law down, it’s your house, you pay the bills, they fall in line or they are out. Your son will realise what a twat he’s being in due course. You may loose him in the short term, but lady you are doing him a favour. Neither will get anywhere on their own two feet in life behaving like this

Good result.

i think if your son gets a job all will be well. Young people need to be in a routine.

Really, really pleased to read this @rubberduck68. Well done!

He’s obviously a decent lad and has just let himself slide a bit. Someone said earlier my set up sounded perfect, but I’ve had to set boundaries throughout the years to get them to where they are now. I’ve lost count of the number of times I lost my shit when they were all teenagers.

It’s tough being a lone parent to young men. But if you stay firm, and expect them to pull their weight, you not only end up with respectful sons, you’re doing their future partner a huge favour.

I do hope you get a lovely long sleep tonight.

I know that feeling and my situation led to me asking son to leave as well as gf. I simply could not cope anymore. Whilst other posters are suggesting loud hoovering rtf to make son get up, it's not about that. If a grown man had any respect for you he would get out of bed and converse. As it is he obviously doesn't which means you have to regain control because you have lost it and he knows it. No amount of conversation is going to rectify this. Action has to be swift and decisive. You've tried the talking. I do understand, it's horrible and alien and isolating but do you really want to live like this?

OP, I hope you get a lovely long night's sleep and that things really do turn around for you and, of course, your son. If he truly does everything that he's saying, and he's prepared to make the changes needed then I'm sure he'll be fine. I just cannot abide the whining when he's the architect of his own misfortune. Realising that and that HE is the one who needs to change is the first step of growing up, and I truly hope he follows through.

Nobody likes a manchild.

He should not be slamming doors in your face OP

UPDATE: He left the house at 11.00 pm precisely last night (!), even remembered to lock up properly, and spent the night at her house, returning this morning at 08.00 am alone, where he made breakfast and put some laundry on. All is peaceful so far...

Long may it continue...