Woken up by adult kids AGAIN.... AIBU

[rubberduck68]

My adult son still lives at home (he and his sister who is at Uni are moving in with their dad in the summer) but I just want to check if IABU. He and his GF are both early twenties, and she does stay over sometimes, which I am fine with. I have made the house rules that it's no more than three nights a week, but she's starting working at a nightclub and coming back at 3.00 am and waking me and my dog up. I have asked them both to stop, in fact I got them both up really early the last time they did it and sent her home. She did it again this week and I talked to her about it and she apologised. Last night, 2.30 am out she gets from an Uber and they are banging about downstairs! I spoke to my son who apologised. I've just asked him to send her home now, and he said I am "not very understanding." I feel awkward and uncomfortable in my own bloody home. Historically whenever I have put a boundary down with these two I am called to a meeting by them a few days later where she claims I don't like her, so I've cut that off with him today and said I won't be doing that, it's her behaviour I don't like. My son't argument is that he shouldn't have a curfew as an adult which I agree with, but I made the point that she doesn't live here! AIBU? I would never have dared behave like his in my parent's home at any age!

I think you should go full on Xena Warrior Princess levels of tonto in your son's bedroom right now, @rubberduck68 .

Throw open his closet doors with a dramatic flourish, produce a suitcase and start throwing his worldly goods and chattels into it whilst screaming, You've pushed me too far this time, boyo! then throw it all on a heap on your front lawn. Preferably with the neighbours taking photos watching.

I am only half in jest. They are treating you like shit and you're allowing it.

Dear son and gf
From now on the front door is bolted at 11.30pm.
Anyone not home will sleep elsewhere. No discussion.
My house my rules. And I yanbu to wake them at 7.00am to discuss it should clarification be required.
Love that tactic...

I do love that but he's on the inside, letting her in!

Nothing to stop you doing that.

@rubberduck68 funny - that was going to be my suggestion! Change the locks - or leave your key in the lock!
You could also message him and say you’re fed up of being ignored and treated like a free hotel, so he can get himself alternative accommodation, you’ll even help him pack…

No!

Not "they" anything. She no longer is welcome at any hour.

The son is behaving like a child, not an adult. Children don't determine the rules of the house.

OP, if he is using his physical size and strength as a means to disobey you, you really need to kick him out.

@rubberduck68 hugs and 💐

I really feel for you.

I would just say 'don't attempt to return to my house until you have initiated a conversation with me about how and whether you can continue to live here'. He's a cheeky fucker. Was his dad arrogant, selfish and entitled?

OP there is a massive amount of disrespect to you going on here. No wonder you are not feeling great.

I would let your DS know that for the moment his GF is not welcome in your house. When your DS starts living by your house rules - don't go to bed without tidying the kitchen, don't wake others up between 11pm to 7am (or whatever hours you usually sleep at), share in household chores, be polite and respectful at all times, then you can discuss the return of the GF. If he doesn't agree with your rules then he can move out.

The GF does not get to boss you around or be disrespectful towards you.

He’s a lost little boy pretending to be man of the house except it’s his mum’s house and he’s turning into a bit of a scrounger. A
He can’t move to his dad’s without his sister ?
He needs his user gf so much that he sleeps all day and acts like her taxi all night, keeping whatever hours she decides to keep.
How will he ever get another job if he sleeps all day?

It’s a very unhealthy lifestyle for him OP. It seems he’s at the mercy of his gf and, to appease her, expects you to be at her mercy too.

He probably does know what that he’s massively overstepping but he’s desperate to hang on to her, feeling he would have no purpose at all without her.

If he won’t sit down to talk with you, and you have tried several times today, then yes, send him a message…..
The bottom line is that the lack of sleep and disruption is making you ill and affecting your work.
You have given warnings and have been met with disregard and disrespect which is upsetting. And confusing, as you know they are better than that.
You love your son dearly and you have really wanted to be generous and kind to them both but you need to remind them both that it’s your house and they do have other options if they don’t agree with you.
So now, for the sake of your health and for the sake of your relationships with them both, there have to be changes before any further deterioration.
Then list the new house rules very firmly along with the consequences if they aren’t met.

Be clear, keep it simple, mean what you say and …Good Luck !

Message him saying 'If you don't come back by ... to discuss the situation, then I will be changing the locks'.

This is a good text to send.

You need to take control.

The idea that some upstart twit would sit me down and critique me in my own house, where she is a freaking guest, is just unreal!!!

Who the fuck do they think they are?!

Change the locks. Email him his eviction notice. He can go live with his dad now, he doesn't have any reason not to - he doesn't have a job. He's disrespectful and the girlfriend would be no longer welcome until he leaves. All these posters so scared of losing an arrogant selfish man in their lives would be yelling LTB if this was a partner treating you with such disrespect.

Changing the locks is extreme but why are you having a conversation about this? He doesn't pay for the house, they are causing you problems with your WFH, his gf is a CF. Stand up for yourself @rubberduck68. She stops staying over. He can go to her. No more negotiation. Just no more.

I am disgusted with their behaviour on your behalf.
I do not think you should be "scared of losing him" after this amount of disrespect he should be concerned he is going to lose his easy lifestyle living with you.

1. People coming around after 11pm stops now 1st March onwards
2. No cooking in the kitchen in the early hours at all
3. If his GF is working at the nightclub she goes to her home after- he can see her there.
4. No more meetings to patronize you about your behaviour in your own house.
5. If he slams a door in your face again he packs and moves out next day
6. Any slippage on any of this and he goes to live with his dad early.

Also change the password for the wifi router. Take the key off the GF Ask for rent Install a mortice lock so you have means to lock people out if it comes to that

This.

@rubberduck68 I wonder if there’s been emotional abuse in your past, because some of the things you describe your son doing to you sound quite abusive to me. But this is your home and you can choose who gets to live there. If he argues you can just bag his stuff into black sacks and leave it outside next time he goes out. And change the locks.

He’s gone out, she’s not there. Do you have her number? If so, I suggest a group text explaining that as your son is refusing to talk you’ve had to resort to texting. Then lay out the ground rules. That way it’s there is black and white. No room for confusion.

No coming home after x time
Max amount of sleepovers is x
No nocturnal cooking
Kitchen always left as it was found.
No further discussions or being remonstrated with in your own home

The GF has a key????

Jesus. No one has a key to my house, even my beloved SO and sister.

You need to draw some really solid boundaries, OP.

Stop coddling your son. What's he doing for spending money, if he's been unemployed so long?

She absolutely would not be calling meetings at my fucking table to get me to justify myself. Cheeky cow.
I don't think you have any choice but to tell them neither are welcome. He has absutely no respect for you.

I was wondering this too. Your ex, father of your son?

I would be changing the locks and evicting your son. I would not be letting him back in AT ALL, he could text me a list of what clothes from his room he wanted me to pack for him and leave outside the door. As you say, at 6'3" you'd be unable to physically remove him from your house.

He can go live with his snotty entitled girlfriend - after all, it's only a 15-minute walk away.

So, how are you going to go about changing the locks? Call a locksmith in, or the DIY changing the barrel route?

Those are reasonable rules, however it sounds as if things have gone beyond this now. The OP has already tried in vain to get them to respect ground rules, I think they have had their chance.

And the disgusting level of disrespect shown her by her son today - in her own home!! - means that a line has probably been crossed now.

If your son wants to live in your house and have his girlfriend stay over then he has to abide by your rules (and not coming in at 2/3am because it wakes you/your dog is not an unreasonable rule). Ultimatum time - stick to the rules or find somewhere else to live, or at the very least - gf is not allowed to stay over.

So the poor little Snowflake is tired Too tired to have a conversation about his shit behavior?
He slams the door in your face then slopes off to do an errand for Princess.. tell him You are tired, too tired to talk & lock him out.
Let that sink in.
Tell him She's is not invited again over night, both of them are royally taking the piss.
Neither of them are paying, you have to work & they are fucking up your sleep.
There is NO discussion, its not about liking her, or disliking her, Its about been taken for a Fool & made unhappy in your own home.

Well... he came straight back, sat down at the table with me, and was contrite, and disarmingly sensible. I expect he realises that they have both crossed a line. He opened by saying that he's really struggling with sleep, and that this is why he's cooking and seeing his GF in the middle of the night, and he thinks he should stay at hers for sleepovers until this has resolved. I agreed, but said that I thought he should stay there because I am fed up with being woken up, and that I would decide when the new rule should be revisited, and that I thought what happened last night was disrespectful. He agreed and apologised. He has agreed to not cook, receive deliveries, or visitors past 11.00 pm, and that if he is going out he will be out by that time too. I have been clear: one more misstep and we won't be able to cohabit anymore because it's making me so tired that I feel unwell. He apologised again and said that he doesn't want me to feel like that. I said that I will not be having any more conversations led by his GF about whether or not I like her, that me liking her is not the issue, the issue is between me and him, and his disrespect of the house rules, which he agreed with and apologised again.

Thank you all for the support, I really needed it.

He's now gone back to bed!

Oh wow!!!!

You ,SMASHED it.

Well done.

Go you @rubberduck68 💪💪💪💪💪

Well done Op, you seem to have resolved things nicely. Now you have to stick to your guns and not allow a gradual backsliding. I have a feeling that things may not be as rosy at his Dads as he thinks it will be, if your DS wants to come back it's best for rules to be in place.