To not let MIL babysit

[loulalole]

My in laws are ok people, definitely nothing as dramatic as some of the things I’ve read on here, but we do not get on particularly well. It was more like death by a thousand paper-cuts than one big falling out, so whilst I can give examples of things they’ve done here, each on their own they aren’t too significant. But over years and years of them being like this to me… the relationship just isn’t there anymore.

My husband and I have a 3-year-old daughter, and lately, my in-laws have been pushing hard to babysit her alone, which I am completely against. They see her about once a month, either at our place or theirs, but I’m always present. They, however, seem determined to carve out alone time. At first, it was framed as a treat for us: “Why don’t you two go for lunch? We’ll watch her!” and when I explained that there’s no need, she has a nanny / housekeeper / my helper (I received a very large inheritance early which means that I am lucky enough to afford paid childcare and help around the house, whilst I am a SAHM, my DH is not paying for this) who can look after my daughter perfectly, knows how I want things done and does them to a standard we’re happy with, it turned into “but we want to have a go, we want time alone with her, we are grandparents so we deserve to”.

MIL’s even bigger wish is an overnight stay. But I’ve never left my daughter for a night, and I have zero need or desire to. And honestly, what do they want to do with her that they can’t do while we’re there? On top of that, I don’t trust them to follow instructions (what to feed her, when to sleep, what not to give her, what she’s allowed to do and what she isn’t) and really don’t see the need.

And just to paint a picture of what they’re like:
1. The first words out of their mouths when we got engaged? “You’re a lucky girl, Lou, aren’t you?”
2. A few days postpartum: “You didn’t have a C-section, did you?! That’s terrible for babies’ lungs.”
3. When we called from the hospital to say I’d just given birth, instead of “Congratulations! How are you feeling?” we got: “We’ll get ready to head over when you get home.” (That assumption locked in my decision: they weren’t visiting for a few days even after we’d got home.)
4. During a rare overnight stay at our house, I asked them to keep things calm before bed. MIL’s response was a breezy “I don’t think that’s necessary!” as she wound my daughter up right before sleep.

Individually, none of these are that bad. But after years of this? I just don’t have it in me to pretend.

They offer to look after your DD for an hour or two so you and your DH can go for lunch. Why would you not let them do that? What a kind offer. Yet you won't even think about it and would rather a paid nanny have your DD.

My DD doesn't always see eye to eye with her MIL, but she knows she is going to have to let her look after her (still tiny) baby at some point because the love MIL has for her only GC just shines through. MIL will do things her way no doubt and it will not be my DDs way of doing things, but she absolutely would not deprive a Granny or her DD of the chance of some speciial time together.
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Don't be so mean, give them a chance and don't write out a list of rules that will take hours to read through. Just let your DD have a special relationship with her GPs.

Beware the toxic DiL I say!

Exactly! OP should trust her instinct.

All those posters talking about depriving the grandparents..... Children are not toys or entertainment!

I agree with this but I don't really see any evidence from the OP that suggests that this is the case here.

Her issue seems to be that the grandparents wouldn't follow her orders like her paid staff member and honestly I don't think it needs spelling out that this isn't role modelling healthy positive relationships

Are you ok, this is all such a reach, it’s almost funny!

Hopefully you won’t get one like her .

Your child, you make the rules! I would set boundaries firm now as will only become worse in time. If OH is keen on DC spending time with grandparents, he can take the DC to visit them.

I'm not a MIL but I have already posted. I actually have an awful relationship with my MIL because I'm not good enough for her son, in her eyes. Yet I have always facilitated a relationship with my daughter because, oddly enough, my MIL dotes on my daughter and does so much with her when she goes to stay with her. I accept that my difficulties are not my daughters and the relationship is theirs.

For god's sake, you are talking about child abuse here. How wrong to insinuate this about grandparents who just want a chance to have a couple of hours with their 3yo granddaughter

It sounds like they just want to be grandparents and get to know your daughter better. You seem to have taken exception to small things for no reason. Their way of looking after a child might not match yours, but that won't do any harm - your husband turned out fine, didn't he? Try to be a bit more relaxed and let them build a relationship with their granddaughter.

A few people have made this comment and I genuinely don't understand it.

My mum and MIL love spending time alone with my son and I'm pretty confident they don't see him as a toy/entertainment/pet. They see him as their grandson.

I agree. Sometimes it's the dil that's the problem and I think this is one of those times.

What biased garbage.

https://www.standard.co.uk/hp/front/jail-for-cameratrapped-nanny-6312561.html

oh look a hired help that harmed a child……..

They are also not personal possessions - they are part of a family and a wider society. Let them mix with people with different ideas and learn that there are other ways of doing things. People who are always certain they are right are invariably wrong.

There are some weird replies on here. Why wouLd anyone want to leave their small child with someone they don’t like much, even if that person is a grandparent? I never stayed at my grandparents’ without my parents and only remember a couple of times being left for a few hours with my grandmother. On one of those occasions my grandmother refused to tell me where my mother had gone, which was scary.

I don’t think this is fair. I get that they have been rude and mean to you and you feel disrespected, hence you don’t think they deserve to spend much time with your child. But they are her grandparents and they want a relationship with her.
My children spend a lot of time with their grandparents. Is it always exactly how I parent them? No. TV in the mornings before breakfast, apple juice and chocolate which they don’t have at home (my kids are little still), nap time schedule isn’t always followed so they come home overtired. But they LOVE their grandparents and they have a really special relationship with them. The benefits far outweigh the cons. And I’m humble enough to admit that sometimes their relationships with their grandparents will offer them something I can’t or I will learn something from the grandparents, who have been parents themselves.

You sound controlling. You are putting your pride at being disrespected by your in laws and your need to completely control every aspect of your daughter’s life over some possible wonderful times and special relationship that she will remember for the rest of her life.

We can only go on what you've put in your posts @loulalole and as you've said that you feel that it's death by a thousand cuts and there isn't just one thing but lots and lots of little digs to get at you that have brought you to where you are today.

I also understand that your opinion is that your nanny is there to provide the best for your child as that is their source of income but I'd like to remind you that your in-laws for all of their failings raised the person that you wanted to have a child with so they can't be entirely awful.

When they do come to visit, do you ever leave the room for any length of time and leave your child with them and your DH only?

Do you ever leave your child with someone other than their nanny and father?

Do you think you may e setting them up for some separation anxiety if you don't leave them with people other than you, your DH and your nanny?

I think to an extent that it is very sad that these grandparents can't be left alone with your child, and while I know you have your reasons for it and I respect that, they must feel that every time they visit, they are being examined under a microscope for any and every failing or transgression that you perceive they have committed.

You're not a toxic DIL at all 🤦‍♀️

I've had two mother in laws and one was lovely and the other similar to yours , quite controlling, manipulative, bad mouthing people and always had to be right. It's really hard to understand when you are not like this yourself. She has deeper issues that are not related too you personally. I totally understand why you wouldn't want your child to be around someone like this.

Assuming he’s allowed, OP appears to be at every visit!

It’s really not either/or. As a child, I had a close relationship with a nanny I’m still in touch with and my grandparents. They offer different things. Nannies are paid childcare. Grandparents are family.

OPs not controlling you say………….🤣

I'd like to know what your husband, children's father, mil's son thinks about this.
It's important.

They don't sound remotely awful and you sound like you're just looking for ways to fall out with them. It's pretty sad that you would rather the paid help had time alone with your child than her grandparents.

Yes. I was trying to figure out what I didn't agree with with the comment about the grandparents seeing the child as a toy or as entertainment - and I think it's this point.

That it feels like the OP sees her daughter as a personal possession almost. Every minute spent with either her, her nanny with orders, the OP even implies the DH doesn't take the child to his parents alone (does he get to look after her on his own, I wonder?)

It's hard but important to let your kids have their own relationships with family members and to recognise that these might be different to yours. My mum is very different and much much better with my kids than she was with me - it's a little painful sometimes for me to see but I wouldn't dream of getting in the middle of it because I recognise that they are separate people to me.