To let my early teens DD go without braces

[UndertakeDrive35]

My DD has an overbite, but she’s stated that she doesn’t feel it’s causing any issues and doesn’t mind going without orthodontic treatment (meaning fixed braces.) For context, the orthodontist advised traditional braces the last time we visited (last July), and apart from the overbite she does have some smaller incisors/canines however that can be fixed with veneers and not braces - she has had a meltdown every time braces have been mentioned because she says it will cause her to be extremely ugly and very unlovable (and i know how crucial confidence is for teens especially younger ones!! 😓) and even though I stress that they’re temporary, she says that even a year of feeling ugly and horrible about herself will be internalised and leave her damaged in the future, which I do actually agree with seeing as the treatment isn’t completely medically necessarily. I must mention she’s also autistic + the dentist said invisalign might not be viable and has said she would have thoughts abut harming herself should she get braces because she would feel so ugly that she needs to die and she would have no purpose in the world and she’s already quite insecure. I was deeply upset to hear this and there is nothing that I can do to console her, so I think that I should leave it seeing as she’s fine in her current state, but people i know in real life have disagreed with me, told me to sit her down and make her do it!!!! AIBU???

If she thinks people with braces look like ugly monsters, this needs addressing.

I think you have answered your own question with your answers. She doesn't want them, she has significant mental health barriers

@Blueberry911 I’m trying my hardest but it’s very difficult seeing as she won’t cooperate with ant kind of mental health services.

I'm not sure what you're asking, to be honest. You've clearly made up your mind. There's a lot more going on than braces here though and it needs looking at - for a start the idea that what she/anyone looks like is the most important thing about them. That's no way to go through life. Along with her materialistic attitude. She needs to climb out of that puddle she's in and you need to help her.

Hmm...I'm conflicted. I refused my braces at that age and now, at 35, I really regret not having them done and have had issues with my teeth all my life.

However, with how adamant and upset your DD is, I also wouldn't force it.
Would she be happy with Invisalign? I know the dentist said they might not be viable, but if she'd be willing then I'd try that. If it works, brilliant. If not - well, you tried.

@SharpLily I can empathise with her to an extent about the materialistic attitude seeing as she has nobody. I think everything would be fixed if she found some friends

After reading through again, I’ll just add: you both need counselling. You should not feel like you have to be spending thousands on a teenager’s decor whims.

Your DD sounds in many ways like mine (who thoroughly refused to cooperate with CAHMS throughout high school) and me giving into every little whim didn’t turn out well. I was doing it to appease her and show her how much I love her and that I’d always have her back, but in reality all it did was create an entitled (even if unknowingly, my DD is lovely), clingy adult with the self-esteem and materialistic issues still in place. It’s been taking a lot of work to fix all of this.

Get counselling, press on counselling for her, scare her about what will happen if she doesn’t look after her oral health. Good luck 💗

I'd leave it for a while but maybe get an older teen who has had a positive brace experience to talk to her about the benefits

Honestly OP, haven't you said to her... "well if you feel you have no friends at the moment anyway... then literally, Why cares what you look like?! Let's get your teeth sorted and who knows, that could really boost your self-esteem in the longer-term. Lots of people say it does".

Honestly not only is she saying her actions are on the basis of other people and what they 'might' think, but these other people actually don't exist! You're letting yourself be drawn into her completely unrealistic thought spirals.

As the parent of a ND child (parent of ND child and wife of ND DH here, both diagnosed) surely your aim is to enable her to have an independent life as far as possible?

I think she may respond much better if you take a firmer line on things. Do you ever say to her, 'That's nonsense' or ' don't be ridiculous', because I think that's what she needs to hear. She needs boundaries, feedback and constructive support to build and develop a realistic world-view, not you pandering to her every awkward whim. Whether she gets braces or not.

Your teen will thank you when older and have no dental issues. I was recommended braces, my dad said "no" - and now age 52 guess what....I need braces as my teeth have worn down so much by my underbite there is hardly any enamel left on them.

@TweedCoat It’s because she spends quite a bit of time online as well, I suspect. Braces are considered ugly online to my understanding but things may have changed. Take Ugly Betty for example…

Maybe she does need to spend less time online, who knows who she is communicating with this if this is your understanding of braces. They're not amazing but they're not world ending and the ends justifies it. They can be unobtrusive or not.

If an orthodontist has recommended treatment, then it's something that they consider would benefit your daughter long-term. Not every child who has an initial consultation with an orthodontist on the NHS, is eligible for treatment. Your daughter is lucky that's she's qualified for treatment. Privately braces are expensive, and unless you have medical insurance or financially well-off, it's beyond most people. You need to think long-term. Right now your daughter, feels she doesn't want braces, but once she's an adult, she may realise she actually should have had them. To me, she's a child, she's not thinking how she may feel in 5 years time, but rather how she feels now. What happens if she reaches 20 years old and tells you she desperately wants braces because the over-bite is horrible and she wants it rectified?! You then have to say, sorry but you will need to save up money yourself, because we can't afford to pay for it. Surely that's worse, than having the braces now! This is a decision you should make as a parent, based on what's best for your daughter long-term.

It depends on the size of the attachments you need and where they’re positioned - it looks different on everyone and definitely isn’t always invisible.

My teeth looked cosmetically fine to begin with - I needed them for oral health reasons, so I did look actively worse with them.

Just look on the Invisalign Facebook group - it’s full of people horrified after their attachments have gone on

Gently, she's not likely to find good friends with her current attitude...

Well @Travail it won’t help, but you’re not alone 😢

I know this is AIBU, but blimey, some of the replies!!!

Of course don't t force her now, OP. Sitting her down and telling her she has to have them now will do more harm than good. The issue isn't severe enough to have them on the NHS, so she'll be able to have them when she's ready as you're prepared to pay. Lots of parents couldn't afford braces anyway. She needs to understand that the short term inconvenience will lead to long term benefits. Until she's prepared to embrace that she's not going to cooperate. She can have the braces when she's ready.

It's a really really sad state of affairs that she thinks she would have no purpose in the world if she doesn't look a certain way and that would make her unlovable etc. I hope you can get her help so she realises that.

I was told i need braces as a child. Didnt want them so didnt get them.

Now have a tonne of issues i cant afford to fix.

I wish my parents had decided for me

The thing is OP that if her teeth are slightly misaligned now. They will most likely shift more as she grows and it'll just get worse. Obviously you can't physically force her into a dentist chair, but it does sound like you're maybe giving into any other whims and fancies she has too.

The wearing the mask in a classroom seems to be in a complete contrast to her not wanting anyone looking at her, as she'll have known fine well (autistic or not). That it made her stand out from her peers.

It is very sad to see children without friends but I'd probably look to spend finances on facilitating that by trying different hobbies vs spending it on decor and expensive items where she's isolated at home even more. Her comments all seem massively focused on navel gazing, and assuming the world is "looking at her", where as the reality is nobody probably gives a flying fig, and she's going to go through life as an adult struggling if she can't get beyond that.

Yes, and the whole thing smacks of her being given her own way too often.

Ugly Betty is years old! Thats not relevant.

Braces are cool now. You can even buy fake ones on Etsy.
https://nypost.com/2024/04/05/lifestyle/fashion-braces-rising-among-young-people-as-hot-new-accessory/

It’s a bit like pimple patches. In my teens we were covering our spots up with thick make-up, now they stick stars on them!

My DD watched some YouTube videos about the coolest colours to have your braces, so it’s definitely seen as normal now.

I think your DD might be manipulating you a bit on this….

However, saying all this, as this is a private dentist are you definitely sure it is required for medical reasons or purely cosmetic? If just cosmetic just leave it, it’s her choice and she can pay for it in future when she changes her mind.

Also if your DD is so obsessed with appearances, that is not going to help her with friendships. Saying she’ll look like an ‘ugly monster’ with braces - is implying that everyone with braces looks ugly which is quite rude. If she voices these things to other people they might think she’s commenting on them.

For young girls there is a huge amount of content online at the moment about beauty / skincare and it’s really not healthy, it sounds like your DD might be watching too much of this stuff and as she is autistic taking it literally.

@Rainyblue Why would she be voicing it to other people?! It’s her opinion. I wouldn’t let her call others ‘ugly monsters.’ Also, it’s not other people, it’s HER that she’s referring to as that.

How old is she?
She has the right to say no OP, my DD will apparently need them and the waiting list is two years. She really, really doesn't want them so my approach is to spend the time educating her on why it is important but when the time comes it will be her choice.

@OrlandointheWilderness She’s 13.