To let my early teens DD go without braces

[UndertakeDrive35]

My DD has an overbite, but she’s stated that she doesn’t feel it’s causing any issues and doesn’t mind going without orthodontic treatment (meaning fixed braces.) For context, the orthodontist advised traditional braces the last time we visited (last July), and apart from the overbite she does have some smaller incisors/canines however that can be fixed with veneers and not braces - she has had a meltdown every time braces have been mentioned because she says it will cause her to be extremely ugly and very unlovable (and i know how crucial confidence is for teens especially younger ones!! 😓) and even though I stress that they’re temporary, she says that even a year of feeling ugly and horrible about herself will be internalised and leave her damaged in the future, which I do actually agree with seeing as the treatment isn’t completely medically necessarily. I must mention she’s also autistic + the dentist said invisalign might not be viable and has said she would have thoughts abut harming herself should she get braces because she would feel so ugly that she needs to die and she would have no purpose in the world and she’s already quite insecure. I was deeply upset to hear this and there is nothing that I can do to console her, so I think that I should leave it seeing as she’s fine in her current state, but people i know in real life have disagreed with me, told me to sit her down and make her do it!!!! AIBU???

Don't make her do it.

It can be resolved when she's older. If necessary for health. A Hollywood smile isn't the be all and end all of a happy and fulfilled life.

Focus on helping her to feel comfortable in her own skin.

How old 13? 14?

Because of personal issues, covid and DS being late to lose teeth, he got braces at 15 to correct an overbite. He was desperate for them.

So I'd let her wait a bit. In 12 months time half the class will probably have braces and they might not feel so unusual.

@outofofficeagain 13. And she’s more bothered about how it would personally look on her. She said she would be ‘so ugly it would disgrace anyone who had the misfortune of looking at her’

I would insist on the braces.

My mother didn’t as well because I claimed the same reasons and within a few years I grew up and regretted not getting them. Now Invisalign can do very little for me (my teeth are mostly straight, I just have an overbite and a narrow palate) and I’m not in the position to spend thousands or get surgery and be off work.

Glad I'm posting anonymously but honestly OP my view is that your DD is both avoidant and rude and that actually you're enabling her.

Obviously you can't physically force her but I'd be having no nonsense about this. It would offend people who have the misfortune to look at her? That's a load of bollocks and I'd be telling her that. Bribing her with expensive things for her room? What absolute rubbish. Arguing with her therapist? She's having you on.

You'd be best saying to her that she's going to have to deal with short-term pain for long-term gain in many aspects of her life going forward and this is one of them. I'd be explaining in no uncertain terms how privileged she is to be able to access this and other heath treatments etc. and not to throw that away. Your daughter is clearly intelligent and I think she needs to hear and reflect on your tough responses.

I'd be making appointments and taking her there anyway. If she refuses when she's in the chair then so be it but I think you're giving up/giving in far too early in the process.

Why not just let her wear a face mask to cover her teeth while the braces are in? She will hopefully realise that lots of kids at school have braces and it's not a big deal.

Like other pps I think you need to insist, this is a medical not a cosmetic issue. I don't think bribing her with expensive decor for her room is the way to go, my DS was in braces for at least 18months, that would be a lot of bribing.

I get that you're concerned about her threats of self-harm, but could she be being manipulative?

@TweedCoat Did you skip over the fact she’s autistic? These are pretty typical behaviours for that. You sound like you haven’t dealt with SEN kids and it wouldn’t be right for me to do this to her in her state. It would destroy our relationship.

@Sunnydays25 We actually let her wear a face mask for school a while back, during the late covid era. She was attached to it and wouldn’t take it off so the teachers made a fuss about it and said it was ‘disturbing’ to have a masked child in the classroom. In my opinion it would just make her resent herself more because it would imply that she needs to be hiding something, so there’s too much hassle for that to work.

I read that you said she was autistic but clearly there is a question of degree and only you can do that.

I think you need to focus on the art of the possible though and not give into her. She's clearly bright and braces or not, autism or not, she's clearly manipulating you.

If she was saying she didn't want braces because of discomfort/doesn't like sitting in the dentists chair etc. that would be slightly different.

But autistic or not she doesn't get to use other people's assumed opinions of her as an excuse not to have something very sensible done and I'd be telling her that very clearly

I think I would force her. Long term, it has the potential to cause major problems untreated (including to her confidence).

@TweedCoat I did forget to mention so my fault, but it is quite a lot about the discomfort as well. She’s had a lot of sensory issues in her mouth, takes a lot of motivation to even brush her teeth and took years to get her to use toothbrushes. Sorry, I didn’t think it was relevant to add but it’s a decent part that and I know if we did braces she wouldn’t wear the retainer so it feels like a waste. It’s a variety of different things.

Im scared, as she grows, that even a year of her horrible self esteem and self talk caused by braces would lead to it being internalised and wrecking parts of her adult life because of things she doesn’t even want…

Well yes you could have mentioned it....!

But I'd still not be giving in. What if this was ingrown toenail surgery? Bunion surgery? Or anything really.

I'd be taking the view of 'it'll be great if you can do this DESPITE your issues and will be a lifelong positive for you' rather than giving into her reasons not to do it.

This is about do much more than her braces.

@TweedCoat Even still, would it not be abusive to take a mentally ill child kicking and screaming having a meltdown to the dentists chair and tell them to do that to her…? Even so, as a previous poster mentioned, I don’t even know if the dentist would be willing to cooperate at that point…

I'm not sure what you're wanting from this thread.

I'm autistic. I was forced by my mother to get braces when I was 11 (year 6). Although I didn't mind the braces themselves, I had a tooth taken out under general anaesthetic, they moved all my teeth forward, then changed their minds and moved all my teeth backwards, I ended up in train track braces for 4 years. Then a retainer with false teeth on it (I have some naturally missing teeth), and eventually a Maryland bridge.

I can't say how traumatic all of this was. I'm now extremely dentist phobic and don't go (my dental bridge has fallen out several years ago and I just keep wedging it in and hoping for the best) There was no medical need for me to have braces, just asthetics. I wish my teeth had been left alone, at least until I could have made my own decision.

You're doing a really good job listening to your daughter. If there's a medical need then talk more and research. If she has demand avoidance traits I'd let her come to her own decision, which can always be reviewed in a year or two.

I was recommended braces to correct my overbite as a teen. After some pushing I got the orthodontist to admit that I was unlikely to have any medical problems from my over bite, so I turned down the braces. Sure enough, I have never had any problems or regrets.

I tried really hard with my autistic ds and we had to concede that it wasn’t possible.

Funnily enough the same dentist who had been predicting horrors like having to break his jaw in the future, was calling it “mainly cosmetic” at the end, and claiming it was mainly driven by my aesthetic concerns. 🙄

This.

Teeth is not where the focus should be. She has more pressing needs.

@Blobbitymacblob The dentist did something similar with us too! This specific orthodontist definitely had ££ in his eyes because other dentists/orthodontists said any work would be cosmetic but you know what they say…. always listen to the orthodontist at the end of the day… ugh. The overbite isnt actually causing breathing/eating problems and it’s just her front teeth that seem MARGINALLY ‘imperfect’ so I really don’t understand the logic used…

In light of all of that, your best bet is to contact the dentist and talk about it.

With all that information they might simply advise against it because if she doesn’t look after her teeth when the braces are on (even beyond the retainer afterwards) she might end up having her teeth in worse condition.

She’ll be regretting it in a few years though if she’s self conscious about her looks. But then it will be her problem.

To be fair OP you hadn't mentioned meltdowns and kicking/screaming around the dentist's chair. I really don't assume that all autistic and/or otherwise ND present in the same way, or in any particular way.

What I'm saying is that I would push this a LOT further than you have. It would literally take kicking and screaming for me to call time on the endeavour. But that's not where it are at present. You're still at the stage where your DD is verbally emotionally manipulating you.

Of course no dentist would treat a physically distressed child. But a good dentist will work together with you and the child to determine the extent to which providing this treatment is possible, and that's the message that you should be giving to your DD. You have given up too soon.

Maybe you just wanted a lot of people to say, 'yes, you should give in to your DD, that's fine! At the end of the day she's autistic so it's fine to have very minimal expectations of her, and for you not to encourage fortitude in the face of the opportunity to have difficult but beneficial medical treatment'.

Honestly I'd leave it and revist it maybe in a few years time. Spend the time working on her mental health and self esteem but I think trying to push this right now will be too much

She will most probably end up regretting it later in life.

Can you get her some therapy first to talk through why she's having such an extreme reaction to something most teenagers go through?

@MissScarletInTheBallroom I don’t even know. I made a comment before on why she refuses therapy and it’s because she says she knows they’ll be ugly on her and make people not like her. She’s already isolated so she doesn’t want to be shunned by everybody, I guess, she also thinks she’s a bad person so the looks come on top of that. She says it will make people unable to love her because she said that she didn’t know who could love a ‘monster’ (herself, the monster being how she looks.)