To let my early teens DD go without braces

[UndertakeDrive35]

My DD has an overbite, but she’s stated that she doesn’t feel it’s causing any issues and doesn’t mind going without orthodontic treatment (meaning fixed braces.) For context, the orthodontist advised traditional braces the last time we visited (last July), and apart from the overbite she does have some smaller incisors/canines however that can be fixed with veneers and not braces - she has had a meltdown every time braces have been mentioned because she says it will cause her to be extremely ugly and very unlovable (and i know how crucial confidence is for teens especially younger ones!! 😓) and even though I stress that they’re temporary, she says that even a year of feeling ugly and horrible about herself will be internalised and leave her damaged in the future, which I do actually agree with seeing as the treatment isn’t completely medically necessarily. I must mention she’s also autistic + the dentist said invisalign might not be viable and has said she would have thoughts abut harming herself should she get braces because she would feel so ugly that she needs to die and she would have no purpose in the world and she’s already quite insecure. I was deeply upset to hear this and there is nothing that I can do to console her, so I think that I should leave it seeing as she’s fine in her current state, but people i know in real life have disagreed with me, told me to sit her down and make her do it!!!! AIBU???

Her body her choice it’s hard but I sympathise as my autistic DD also needs braces and passed out with an anxiety attack just visiting the dentist. We are under the care of an amazing nhs hospital team who deal with send kids. We are waiting a couple of years before revisiting the idea of braces. I would wait but keep the conversation of it neutral remove the pressure and emotion around it purely factual pros and cons of the braces and let her decide when she’s ready.

My DS was on the waiting list for several years - got braces fixed last autumn at well past 16. The orthodontist is confident that all will be well despite being referred at 13. I’d try to find out if there will be problems if she waits 3 years. She might be able to handle it better at 16.

I pushed hard with DS who was reluctant because my DM let me decide at 14, I said no because hardly anyone had braces forty years ago, and I’m now paying for Invisalign. But my DS’s reaction was nothing like as extreme, and if she’s self harmed before, this is obviously serious.

@tallhotpinkflamingo Wow. You assume a lot for one single post on mumsnet. You don’t know our life, so please stop trying to make assumptions! 😑

DD got her braces off today.

Her teeth look amazing.

It's not even the way it looks , it's no pockets, straight teeth, easier to keep clean.

I've got OK teeth.

Orthodontics weren't such a thing in the 70s/80s. I wish they were.

Of course it’s her choice.

My mum ‘let’ me refuse to have braces aged 13/14/15. By 16 I was so embarrassed about my teeth and ended up having braces just before my 17th birthday. I was actually privately quite resentful towards my mum that she didn’t parent me to do it earlier, although obvs not her fault, she’d just listened to me.

It was awful and I’ve already told my preteen kids that if they need them, they’re getting them.

Your situation might be different. I’d push for the braces though, teen angst will leave eventually but she’ll be wearing that mouth her whole life. Which is what I wish someone had said to me!

Just my personal experience

Two years of orthodontics, I had to persuade her.

No 14 yo wants braces.

Sometimes you have to force things for the better.

That is a super strong overeaction to having braces which thousands of kids have every day. I'd be more concerned about that right now and get to the root problem, which isn't the braces.

@UndertakeDrive35 you have to tell your daughter that it's an investment in her future.

It really is.

I always regret not getting braces.

Amongst my DC’s friends they all want braces and glasses, it’s like it’s become fashionable almost.

Would it be possible to get an nhs dentist appointment for your daughter & or can you find out what her overbite is?

The NHS will provide braces for a 5mm overbite or more. I was told if this isn’t the case then they don’t get it free even if there is big gaps etc. It will only be for medical and not cosmetic reasons.

If your DC overbite is less than 5mm I would leave it. If it’s over 5mm I would work with her to try to get her to see that many people wear braces, that’s it’s very normal, the results are great etc. I know that’s hard with DC and especially with ND DC but I would try as you need to balance the medical need with her mental health.

edited to add- each time they go to have fixed braces tightened they can have different colour bands (depending on the brace type). They can even have multicoloured ones eg a mixture of red & green at Christmas. This might not appeal to your DC but this helps with them being popular amongst my DC’s peers

This is all part of being a parent. A young teen can't make an informed decision about the long term implications of this decision at this age. She's not going to thank you for allowing a 13 year old to make a big decision in 10 years when she doesn't like her smile/has health concerns related to her overbite.
She needs counselling and she's been told she needs braces.

Both of mine had braces. They felt ok about them because half the class had them. My youngest had them late because an impacted canine wasn’t discovered until 14/15 and she needed surgery. So she had braces in sixth form because Covid meant they were ok left on an extra 10 months. But boy is she glad she had them now. Your child’s reaction is extreme . Are they normally that way? I would have a chat about how many pupils will have braces over the next few years and how expensive treatment is once an adult.
Ah sorrry I missed she is autistic. Perhaps move this thread to one of the ND boards where you might find better advice.

@greengreyblue DD is mentally unstable so I do understand her reaction. And I can also get why she would feel unlovable seeing as she has nobody close outside of family which is just me.

I don't think you should force her. I don't know how old she is but I would wait. My son had his braces at 16 and by that time it seemed that a huge proportion of his class had had them and in fact almost felt left out not having had them up to this point. By this point she may have changed her mind and realised that it's something lots of kids do and no one thinks much about them at all.
It will help if it's her decision, especially as they can be painful.

Yes see my edit. Sorry

Get her dentist to explain to her the long term dental health implications of an overbite: it’s far more than just looks. Preferably with pictures. She’ll find it difficult to think that dental health in 40 years time will matter, but she might understand that if it’s sorted now, you’ll be paying but if she waits until she’s in her 50s / 60s it’ll her she who’s paying and the costs will be 10 times what it is now, to pay for teeth conservation and realignment. But you won’t be able to make her wear them if she’s reluctant so she chooses and she takes the consequences.

Your daughter (who is a child, who cannot make fully informed decisions, who is very young) needs counselling. She has also attached the thought of braces with being ugly and this is your job to tackle.

She is autistic. Meltdowns and extreme reactions and self harm are common. OP I think you will find more help if you move this thread.

@UndertakeDrive35 DD is autistic.

So.

There you go.

It's a conversation isn't it?

Is it the sensation of them in her mouth or what she thinks they look like is her issue? They can be plain or have sparkly bits in (I forget what they are called!) and I've seen loads of kids with these. If it's the invisibility aspect more, could you ask to top up the NHS braces to ceramic ones? Nobody realised my DD had braces at all with them.
I would really encourage her to get the treatment, it will prevent a lot of problems later in life (I speak from experience).

I can tell you this. If you take the advice given to, basically, nag her into it with warnings, lectures and talking it to death, she will see right through you and, potentially, pull away from you completely. You can't trust someone who thinks so little of you as to insult your intelligence that way. I was like your DD in many ways. I hated mind games then and I fucking detest them even more now.

As for the, "insist" and "force", crowd. Heard of bodily autonomy? Mother doesn't mean owner.

Control freaks really piss me off. Usually the same people who demand decisions over THEIR own body are respected.

YANBU as it’s her choice and you’re following her wishes. As someone who forewent braces as a child, I can say she will likely regret it as an adult though!

Ya, DD had rose gold/ blue whatever. The orthodontist was happy to go with whatever colour.

Ya. I'm absolutely into bodily autonomy.

Have you heard of Gillick competence?

Let her get on with it then.

You say you can't force it.

You can't force it.

I guarantee she'll regret it.