To let my early teens DD go without braces

[UndertakeDrive35]

My DD has an overbite, but she’s stated that she doesn’t feel it’s causing any issues and doesn’t mind going without orthodontic treatment (meaning fixed braces.) For context, the orthodontist advised traditional braces the last time we visited (last July), and apart from the overbite she does have some smaller incisors/canines however that can be fixed with veneers and not braces - she has had a meltdown every time braces have been mentioned because she says it will cause her to be extremely ugly and very unlovable (and i know how crucial confidence is for teens especially younger ones!! 😓) and even though I stress that they’re temporary, she says that even a year of feeling ugly and horrible about herself will be internalised and leave her damaged in the future, which I do actually agree with seeing as the treatment isn’t completely medically necessarily. I must mention she’s also autistic + the dentist said invisalign might not be viable and has said she would have thoughts abut harming herself should she get braces because she would feel so ugly that she needs to die and she would have no purpose in the world and she’s already quite insecure. I was deeply upset to hear this and there is nothing that I can do to console her, so I think that I should leave it seeing as she’s fine in her current state, but people i know in real life have disagreed with me, told me to sit her down and make her do it!!!! AIBU???

Or.

Mother the fuck out of it and enforce it.

Like wiping your bum or eating your dinner.

You absolutely can make children do things for their betterment.

@UndertakeDrive35 you need to make her do it.

Honestly.

As someone that's currently into £15.000 of £30,000 of dental treatment much of it because I didn't get braces.

It hurts and it's tedious. And I hate it.

I can afford it though.

Can you?

Because my teeth weren't straight even with regular dental treatment it's really hard to clean in any pockets and one's teeth move about. So now, in my 50's I'm having extractions, crowns, implants and composite bonding to make it all look and be OK.

Two years of braces 40 years ago sounds like a good deal.

For free!!

If she doesn't do it now and doesn't have thousands to drop on her teeth in the future.

It's dentures time.

Or no teeth

Whatevs.

I know someone who has never got braces as a teen, and to this day as an adult she never open her mouth when smiling or laughing.

its about confidence in teens vs. As an adult. For me it was a no brainer. Also it s a lot less expensive as a teen to get it fixed.

we explained to our daughter that a lot of her peers and friends would have braces anyway so she isnt the only one and we got the ceramic ones so white. Yes we went private and yes we didnt have fancy holidays during these 18 months but it was barely visible and now it s in the past.

we did say if she doesnt wear the retainer though and the teeth move again, we wont pay a second time 🤣

In terms of the braces, if the dentist is recommending them (even if you're a private customer) it's normally for a medical reason as they don't recommend cosmetic orthodontics for children so may be worth checking so your DD can have all the facts.

In your situation I'd say you can only advise on this one and I wouldn't force her. DD has braces and she's actually liked hers - lots of teenagers have them so she hasn't felt different or ugly and has enjoyed choosing her colours each time. She has also been uncomfortable at times and it took a couple of weeks for her to get used to them. If, after having all the info and your advice, your DD is set against them then so be it and she may have to explore this privately in the future as an adult.

More worrying for me is the way she's navigating this. It's okay for her to be upset, stressed and against having braces but really worrying that her strategy of threatening to kill herself is working for her. You need to support her with this one OP as she will find herself in lots of situations in life where she is opposed to doing something and this can't be her go to. I would suggest you talk to her about not forcing her to have braces, speak about being old enough to make some decisions herself and how you haven't been swayed with the braces issue because of what she's threatening. This is a bigger problem than refusing braces and the long term consequences of relying on this strategy whenever she is opposed to something will be much worse than whatever the health/cosmetic issue with her teeth is as this can probably be fixed later if needed.

So before you can re visit the braces, you need to get her help with her confidence.

i was bullied and had no friends in secondary if it wasnt for my scouts friends, my boys as I was a mate, i wouldnt where i am today.

change school, try as many clubs as possible, get her help, she needs and she CAN find her tribe. Help her and then do the braces.

If it’s medically necessary, I’d do it. You don’t get to opt out of medically necessary procedures as a child, end of. If it’s optional, that’s a different story. However, I’d be explaining all of the potential risks of not going ahead and so on. Mine have/have had braces, as have I. We’re lucky that we can afford to pay for them - 30 years ago they’d have been free on the NHS but it seems that only the most acute cases are deemed worthy these days. Either way, good teeth are noticeable every single day of your life. It’s 12-18 months for a lifelong result (if you wear your retainers!). Where we are, bizarrely, the old school silver braces with coloured bits are all the rage. You’re on trend if you have them 😂

Yes this. Braces often aren’t just cosmetic, especially if they are getting paid for on the NHS, there is generally a clinical need.

my son has an overbite which he needs fixed before train tracks go on and it’s a quite unobtrusive removable appliance

Also no one wants or likes braces but lots of kids have them. I would find it hard to believe that she’ll stand out particularly. I think you need to step up and parent here rather than giving in to manipulation.

when I say manipulation I don’t mean she’s doing it deliberately, more that she’s catastrophising about it by sounds of things and you are accepting that.

My son is diagnosed ASD with sensory issues too btw so I do understand the challenges

There is nothing on this beautiful planet that would have persuaded me to get braces for my high-functioning autistic son at that age. I mean, maybe if he'd lost half his teeth in an accident or something. But nothing else.

At that age, he tended towards being violent at me (rather than himself, as your daughter). So just no.

I see that you're private rather than NHS. I know it's easier said than done, but are you able to get your daughter into NHS? When my son was younger, he got referred to the community dental team for anything complicated (like removal of some tired old baby teeth, which ended up being done under general anaesthetic). A friend who is a dentist explained it to my thus: the ordinary dentist on the high street is a private business, who may accept NHS work. The high street dentist gets paid per NHS job. The community dentist is part of the local health team/trust/commissioning group, so can take the time it needs to do the work without it affecting ability to pay the bills etc. If there is still such a thing as a community dentist team, I'd be looking at getting your daughter an NHS dentist and a referral to the community dentist team. I realise I am talking about halcyon days of about 10-15 years ago, when there were public services which still worked. But it sounds like your daughter needs that sort of specialist support for dentistry at least.

Another thing that affected my opinion at that age is that I had braces for five years (from age 17 to 22) which was unnecessary treatment. It was hideous. The orthodontist got taken to court and was found guilty. Probably a one-off, but it was enough for me to take opinions on my own children with a pinch of salt!

Good luck. You really sound like you have much bigger worries than teeth. All best wishes

Both my children flipped out about braces and appliances for overbite and wonky teeth but I was able to talk them around.

A/ all their friends started having braces b/ now is the best time for best results and it's free c/ they can choose to do it later but that would cost a lot of money and with less good results d/possibility for later life issues with teeth etc. The orthodontist was very helpful reinforcing the last point.

Basically, I have non compliant kids (😅 ND no doubt). I have always reassured them first and foremost that they get to decide as it's their body and their choice. I gave them space. I took them to the orthodontist to 'look at options' and ask questions. They both ultimately decided to go for the bad option now to save future hassle. I'm extremely surprised by how easy it has gone as one in particular is highly up on the odd spectrum and certainly thought it would be very challenging for him. Time soon flies and apart from the first 24 hours it's been a breeze.

Please persist with your DD. Try gently gently empowering language with lots of info.

Of course YABU.

You're the parent, just because she's being a little madam about it doesn't mean you get to just go "oh yes dear of course" when it's likely going to lead to far more problems down the line.

I do t think you can force her.. but my mum let me choose and I'm currently sat here in my late 30s with braces and a 4k hole in my bank account 🙃

@ForPoliteHam The problem goes deeper than the braces. It’s not completely owing to that. Did you read the post?

I read it.

I don’t think braces are the big issue here, her MH is a much bigger concern. I hope you are able to access some help for that? I know it’s hard.

Re the braces: my worry would be that at some point she could “flip” and decide her teeth are awful and blame you for not having made her have braces earlier… Is that a valid concern?

I had very crooked teeth: smaller jaw wider teeth; the dentist suggested braces and I had to beg my parents for it (not from the uk, a lot of money in those days, and there was a time traditional braces were cool!) and I am so grateful they forked out the money for it.

It might be something your dd considers when she is older (maybe vanity will play a part re. underbite). You can’t really force someone to do it in my opinion as the treatment was really quite painful and uncomfortable.

I think you are a great parent, and she will appreciate that when she’s older.

You can't make her but alignment issues aren't just an aesthetic thing and are best fixed while your jaw is still growing. They'll get worse (and harder/more expensive to fix) as you get older, can affect how your jaw develops/the shape of your face, and cause teeth to wear/discolour/chip, which can really affect your confidence. Braces are so common for children (and you can get really cool ones, different colours etc) - she'll have classmates etc going through the same thing. In a few years her peers will have have straight teeth and she won't and this might affect her confidence starting uni/work. If she decides to fix them as an adult she might feel more self-conscious/conspicuous going it alone (and the results won't be as good). My parents didn't get my teeth fixed and I've been doing Invisalign for the past two years. It's costing a fortune and I could cry for all the years I missed out on having straight teeth that work properly.

My sd had them and after a month had them taken off as she repeatedly took the wires out ( how I do not know!) and she refused to have more treatment. The dentist said she'd likely have issues later on and the advice was ignored by mum. To be honest going to the dentist twice a week for new wires was unsustainable.
Now as a young adult she really does have issues, her overbite is huge and causes her much more body issues than a year of braces would have. It'll cost a lot now to fix and she wishes she'd stuck with it at 14

I would save money now for invisalign in a few years if she might be more able to manage the practicalities of it then.
Or if there's something else she wants aesthetically like dying her hair, let her do it if she accepts the braces.

@Neurotoxic There have been similar situations before and I know I couldn’t bribe her with things like hair dye because a. uniform and b. she would be too insecure to leave her room, let alone go anywhere and show off the dyed hair. She really likes possessions, objects and is frankly quite materialistic/item driven so I guess the only bribery that might work is spending thousands of £££ on room decor hauls etc (the aesthetic in which she decorates her room is VERY expensive!)

I regretted not having braces as a teen, I did as an adult, braces and now yet more treatment and now movement so Invisalign needed = £22k and poor teeth health and bone loss. tell her this if you want?

She needs some councellibg for self worth and building confidence

@PoorLion She’s had counselling. She doesn’t take it seriously, argues with the therapist and thinks they’re lying. It did more harm for her than good.

Oh this is really tough OP, there are arguments for pushing it and for just leaving her be. Although as others say, she can't be forced. Personally my experience with braces (a retainer) was that I wore it for a year and then the teeth just went back to where they were, so I can imagine in your situation id not be totally convinced of the benefits.

I think it's worth seeing this as a long term thing, letting DD know you won't force it but that you do expect her to hear out the orthodontist. Talk to her about informed consent, ie when she makes a big decision, she needs to know all the facts and weigh them up, or she is very likely to experience regret later. If she knows all the risks and has the capacity to decide, then she is an independent person who will live with that choice. Plus, is there any great reason that she couldn't get them in a couple years time when she's maybe a bit more confident?