to be annoyed that my dad (ds only grandpa) is only spending 8 pounds on ds first birthday present

[nocluemum]

My dad has plenty of money and ds is the only and first grandchild. We live abroad and I emailed a list of presents that I thought ds would like, ranging in price from 8 to 70 pounds, thinking he would enjoy looking in ELC. He called to say that he has got the one for 8 pounds and that was it. Am really upset and dont know if I should let it slide or make something of it with him.....

Actually, I also agree with Greedygirl. Of course we all know (I hope) that it's the thought that (is supposed) to count, and to complain about the monetary value of a gift seems churlish, BUT..... it must be a LITTLE hurtful to see such a blatant "Oh, that'll do" attitude from your own dad. Especially if he asked for a list. Is there some history about feeling valued in other ways by your dad?

clam - i think its her way of excusing mean-ness acutally - my ds1 (4 years) already mentions that he prefers one grandmother to the other and believe its not because of the amount of presents he gets - he hasn't made the connection yet - but because of the amount of time and effort she spends on him - she also happens to be the grandma who showers him with presents

YABU - for her first birhtday my dd1 got a present costing 5 pounds from us. money isnt everything, and boy you will realise that a few years down the line when you are swimming in huge pieces of moulded plastic that your loving rellies insist on bestowing upon your children.

Ok so DD's grandparents are actually multi-millionaires (and I'm not going to see a penny sadly!!). DD took dd to see them aroiund her first birthdays she came back with an armfull of presents but all she seemed interested in was the pretty little silver bags they'd been packed in. She barely touched the toys but 3 years down the line STILL has 4 of the bags!!

Get over it money is not the issue. At least hes bothering

sorry above should have read ex-dp took dd to see them (not dd took dd to see them)

My father spent 46p on my ds's first and was so proud of his money saving.
Was a wee plastic car from Tesco.

yabu. And ungrateful too.

YABU! I would be grateful if either my Mother(DD's Grandmother) or my Father (DD's Grandfather) spent a £1 on then to get a card! My parents although separated just do not bother. No present, no card, simple as that! In fact they do not even bother to ring or visit them either!

TBH, I would get things in to perspective, at least he remembered. Its not the cost its the thought!

nocluemum here's an attempt at some empathy and some constructive words. fwiw!

buried somewhere in this thread are the real problems - the hurt you feel at the apparent lack of interest your dad has. it's a bit of a shame - for you - that you asked the question about the birthday present rather than the wider issues, and everyone jumped on you (including me) - on the basis of the OP, not unfairly.

Don't take the present thing up with your dad but do try to address the apparent lack of interest - have a good long think yourself first, about how/why it's arisen and what you can do to try to change things. You say you live abroad - are you good at staying in touch? were you good at being in touch before ds was born? not sure if your father is on his own - but perhaps this contributes a bit too - (lots of grandfathers get way with lack of interest because their wives/partners have enough for two - so no-one even notices!) - try to think about things from his perspective. remember that men don;t do birthdays, or babies, half as much as women - his engagement with ds will come in dfferent ways. Put in effort from your side - skype, email, photos, letters etc and see what happens.

I speak as someone who has long been hurt by my father's lack of engagement in my own life, and then dds'. at the end of the day though you kind of learn to live with it - like an annoying ingrown toenail or something. it hurts but you just get on with things.

good luck in addressing the real issues and I hope you can see that the responses you got to your op were because you had really only posted about the £8.

thanks hatwoman. All rings true. I call him on average every other day for up to 20 mins each time. Dont really email much apart from stuff that he would need to write down to remember ie dates we are coming home what to get for ds bday. We have never been hugely close but i foolishly thought that my ds would bring us closer. He and my mum when she was alive always asked for what we wanted for xmas bdays etc and I thought that was the norm! clearly not!!! It is the lack of interest in ds that really grates not that 8 pound part (althgouh I dont think I expressed that very well on the inital posting

I too thought children might bring me and my dad closer. he even rang my mum (they split 20 years previously) when dd1 was born. It hasn't really happened, to be honest. which I do find sad.

You call him a lot - good for you. I do think as ds gets older there'll be more - first bits of artwork you can send through the post, and then you'll be amazed at how young he'll learn to send emails himself! - silly things like ecards and links to youtube videos that make him laugh. It must be hard for you all without your mum - but all you can do is try. and remember that everyone feels their way slowly in this stuff - this is an entirely new situation to you, as well as you father - there are no "right" ways to do stuff, we all muddle along. make sure you enjoy ds though! lucky you having a cuddly one year old.

I guess when you see friends with close families and grandparents who are really involved in them - whether they live a long way away or not - it hurts that ours arent the same (stories of mil saved for another thread!). Spoke to him today and even though he doesnt really ask about ds apart from "how is ds and dh" , answered with ill off work and crawling everywhee. If i tell him what we have been up to ie playgroup starting to go up the stairs then you can hear the tumbleweed of disinterest in the background. It was the same when I was pregnant and I was lucky if I was asked how I was in the conversation (although always asks about dh!) Guess now our relationship is never going to change and I will just have to deal with it or speak up and risk never talking again.

YABU.
At 1yr old, there is not really any need to spend any money at all!!
We didn't for DS1- Why? He had plenty, and would not notice. (Actually, kind of the same for 2nd birthday too, although we then used it as an excuse to get him his new proper bed.)

We did, however, bake a cake and invited close family over for some bubbly etc.... I would have been more bothered if my dad could not be bothered to come to that, but presents? Really no reason to get annoyed.

If the £8 gift is symptomatic of an overall attitude from your father, then that's a different matter.

YABU

I havent read the thread fully but I think you are being unreasonable.. At least your ds got a present and lets face it it will be going to the charity shop next year anyway (or put away in the loft).

my dd didn't even get a gift from one of her gradparents for her 1st birthday but it didn't matter the card she sent was lovely and it is in DD's box.

YABU his financial sitiation my mean that even 8 quid is rather a lot of money. If he has remembered the birthday, that is all that counts surely?

One day you may have real things to worry about and you will see just how unreasonable you are being to waste a moment fretting about such matters.Believe me.

YABVU.

I personally think that first birthdays are as much for the mother as for the child. DS1 has just turned 4, and now it's definitely for him!

Your DC will have no idea it's his birthday, and you and your DS are lucky that you / he even have a dad/ grandad who cares enough to buy something in the first place - and you may find that your DS is more interested in the boxes his presents came in than the presents themselves!

YABU.