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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed that my dad (ds only grandpa) is only spending 8 pounds on ds first birthday present

144 replies

nocluemum · 11/05/2008 10:41

My dad has plenty of money and ds is the only and first grandchild. We live abroad and I emailed a list of presents that I thought ds would like, ranging in price from 8 to 70 pounds, thinking he would enjoy looking in ELC. He called to say that he has got the one for 8 pounds and that was it. Am really upset and dont know if I should let it slide or make something of it with him.....

OP posts:
clam · 11/05/2008 11:52

I wonder if he was tempted to not send a present at all, upon receiving a list fgs? It's not a wedding, and some people object to lists for those too.

kittywise · 11/05/2008 11:58

If my dad wants an idea what to send his grandchildren he asks and I give him general pointers like
"Dc loves In the night garden and postman pat . We already have x dvd but anything else along those lines would be great thanks".

I don't want him to know I know how much he's spent blah, blah. That's so rude and puts the giver under enormous pressure

chuffingnora · 11/05/2008 12:00

Somedays I'm just to thick to be allowed to draw breath -

I've spent several moments pointlessly clicking on "list" in clam's message, thinking, "How did she get a link to the list? Was it online?"

I am a link sheep.

chuffingnora · 11/05/2008 12:01

And, obviously, I'm TOO (not to) thick to check my spelling before posting

nkf · 11/05/2008 12:02

You sent a list containing presents up to £70 to someone? For a one year old's birthday? And you ask if he is being unreasonable? This is a joke right?

Lulumama · 11/05/2008 12:05

if you knew you would have been displeased with the £8 present, why did you put it on the list?

nkf · 11/05/2008 12:05

Maybe she thought he's buy the lot.

Original poster
nocluemum · 11/05/2008 12:15

He did ask for a list btw. Maybe I did come across as grabby and money loving and that is not the case. (she says counting her money )He calls and speaks to me and rarely asks about DS. when we were him last he was always suggesting that we do things in the evening - no thought to babysitter for ds. He has to have ds thrust upon him when he sees him and asking him to look after him while I go to the loo, make tea etc means him sitting there with the paper engrossed in what he is reading and not really looking at him at all. I guess thinking he would buy a nice present for him (and he is going to keep it at his house for when we are next there so postal costs arent even an issue) was more for me to think he does care.

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 11/05/2008 12:18

You think money = love. And that may be your experience of your dad, he may have shown you he loved you by buying presents.

You think him buying the cheapest is disinterest right? Maybe that's a hangover from your own childhood. So when he comes over try and involve him in how great your son is.

fleacircus · 11/05/2008 12:19

To be fair, lots of men of that generation weren't particularly involved in their own children's upbringing and wouldn't necessarily be that confident in doing anything other than keep an eye on your DS. Especially if he doesn't see you that often and doesn't feel that DS knows him properly. MIL visited recently and DD screamed every time MIL touched her, she's only 4mths and just reacted to MIL as a random and not very welcome stranger. I felt awful for her, perhaps your dad is worried about a similar reaction from your DS.

fleacircus · 11/05/2008 12:20

I mean I felt awful for MIL. And generally mortified.

LIZS · 11/05/2008 12:21

A lot of grandparents (and parents for that matter) don't "do" babies in a hands on , interactive way, bearing in mind they've had their own and long got past that stage. So I'm afraid you're being unreasonable and unrealistic on all counts.

VacantlyPretty · 11/05/2008 12:23

Message withdrawn

angelcake99 · 11/05/2008 13:01

I don't think you are really greedy and selfish in sending a list i just think you were trying to prompt your Father into acting like he is bothered enough to buy a nice pressie for your Ds, but in a slight misguided way. Maybe have a talk with your Father about whats bothering you, my dad is hopeless at buying pressies and he not that hands on with the grandchildren but i know he cares and sometimes little things can mean alot.

LaComtesse · 11/05/2008 13:07

I bet he bought the first thing on the list - job done (you are talking about a man). He probably thought it was top priority to get as it was top of the list as well.

Sorry but you sound UR.

pagwatch · 11/05/2008 13:12

nocluemum
I think you are just not quite understanding that different people feel very differently about babies.
I have to say he would not be the first man in the world to have a deep suspicion of wriggling offspring until they can have a sensible conversation.You will find it difficult to have perspective about this because of cousre the child in question is your. And your first.
And next time he asks about presents just say that DC likes to play x and y but anything you think they would like would be lovely.

Blandmum · 11/05/2008 13:15

YABU, and unless you were asked for a list you are seeming a bit pushy.

Doubly pushy to see something that you want, and then get miffed because it isn't expensive enough

PuppyMonkey · 11/05/2008 13:17

This thread IS a joke isn't it?

What was the proposed £70 gift I wonder.

barnstaple · 11/05/2008 13:29

Blimey! DD got absolutely zilch from MIL on her first and second, but on her third she got a bubble blowing thing (50p)! She loved it of course, but it wasn't exactly the first or only one she'd had.

Mind you, I think first birthday is important to parents more than to the infant! He'll be happy with the box.

By the way, to be fair to MIL, she has been putting money into an account for dd every month since she was 3.

lazarou · 11/05/2008 13:31

NCM, you can only talk to him about it. I doubt he will change though. You just have to accept his dissinterest and get on with things. There is no point in getting upset about it, just enjoy your lovely ds, and move on.

PuppyMonkey · 11/05/2008 13:35

"Disinterest?" Who said he was disinterested just cos he went for an £8 prezzie?

bamboostalks · 11/05/2008 13:36

£8 is a bit tight though, unless he's hard up (but then you wouldn't be sending him lists up to £70 if he was).Maybe his circumstances have changed and he's not told you.

Pan · 11/05/2008 13:39

Do I really have to tell you...??

YABVU.

Just enjoy the delights of your little one, instead of looking to use him as a way into bad feelings.

oops - see lazarou says the same.

lazarou · 11/05/2008 13:41

Puppymonkey, i was referring to this:

"He calls and speaks to me and rarely asks about DS. when we were him last he was always suggesting that we do things in the evening - no thought to babysitter for ds. He has to have ds thrust upon him when he sees him and asking him to look after him while I go to the loo, make tea etc means him sitting there with the paper engrossed in what he is reading and not really looking at him at all. I guess thinking he would buy a nice present for him (and he is going to keep it at his house for when we are next there so postal costs arent even an issue) was more for me to think he does care."

This is a grown man. He should show some bloody interest in his own grandchild. It's nothing to do with money, and that's what I think the op was getting at.

windygalestoday · 11/05/2008 13:45

my fil has always just given me £20 per birthday per child and theyve always been thrilled with whtever grandad bought em (altho its me tht chooses it wraps it and gives it back to grandad to hand over)grandad did say £20 doesnt seem as much as it used to BUT grandad is the first to pay half for new shoes alwys buys their blazers and when ds1 got his coat pinched 3 weeks ago grandad was the next day giving me £40 to replace it........

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