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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed that my dad (ds only grandpa) is only spending 8 pounds on ds first birthday present

144 replies

nocluemum · 11/05/2008 10:41

My dad has plenty of money and ds is the only and first grandchild. We live abroad and I emailed a list of presents that I thought ds would like, ranging in price from 8 to 70 pounds, thinking he would enjoy looking in ELC. He called to say that he has got the one for 8 pounds and that was it. Am really upset and dont know if I should let it slide or make something of it with him.....

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 11/05/2008 13:47

OK, missed that Lazarou

nkf · 11/05/2008 13:51

Yes, what was the £70 present?

ecoworrier · 11/05/2008 14:05

You are being totally unreasonable and risk coming across as greedy. A present costing £8 is fine, no matter whether it's coming from a grandfather or anyone else and no matter whether it's the first or 20th grandchild. And providing a list with ideas up to £70 is unbelievably rude unless you have been asked and given an approximate price range.

If however the issue is that your father shows little interest in your son, that is sad but is a completely different issue. You can feel sad or frustrated about that by all means, and perhaps see if there is anything you can do to change this, or just try to accept it. But the birthday present is separate and has nothing to do with how much a grandparent cares or is interested in their grandchild.

IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 11/05/2008 14:10

I just think it's not unusual for an older man to feel no connection or interest in a small wriggly baby - they've probably had very little to do with babies in a hands on kind of way and are unsure how to approach them. Loads of men are like this, even younger guys. I don't think sending lists of requests for expensive presents is going to make him feel more of a connection, is it? Probably the best solution is time and when your son grows up a bit and becomes a real little person he'll be able to build a relationship with him. Until then babies probably don't make it onto his radar.

You either need to chill out a bit and accept your dad's approach to grandparenthood or have a sensible conversation with him about how he makes you feel. The important thing here isn't presents or money, and you're reading way too much into it.

cory · 11/05/2008 14:33

When my parents ask for gift suggestions (as they do) I always suggest things in the 8 pound range, it would just seem greedy to ask for something expensive. I feel it would put me on the level of my 5yo niece who asked for a pony. I know my Mum's sending ds a book for his birthday- I have absolutely no interest in knowing whether she paid 15 quid for it or got it cheap in the sales (though I'd hope the latter).

WigWamBam · 11/05/2008 20:03

Nocluemum, my MIL came to see my dd today, ostensibly for her birthday (which is a week tomorrow but hey ho). She hasn't bought my daughter a present at all, and as she'll be 7 my daughter will be well aware of that fact - something which you won't have to worry about because your son will be oblivious.

Maybe that's something to think about when you feel yourself getting upset and angry that your father has "only" spent £8 on your child.

wrinklytum · 11/05/2008 20:09

YABU.

It is a GIFT

Your baby is 1.They won't remember anyhow.

IMHO the best thing you can get a 1 year old is a cardboard box-hours of fun,no expense!!!

Troutpout · 11/05/2008 20:11

yes

wrinklytum · 11/05/2008 20:11

YABU.

It is a GIFT.Cost doesn't matter

Your baby is 1.They won't know its their bierthday!!.

IMHO the best thing you can get a 1 year old is a cardboard box-hours of fun,no expense!!!

nancy75 · 11/05/2008 20:12

at the risk of being jumped on by everybody else, i dont think you are being unreasonable. the baby may not know how little thought money or time went into choosing a gift for his birthday, but you do and in this situation i would also be a bit upset.

cameroonmama · 11/05/2008 20:13

I can understand why you may be upset, but you have to remember older people don't think about babies and children in the same way.

Today is ds2's first birthday, we live overseas too. My mum, dsis and best friend sent a card/transferred some money/sent an SMS for him, my dad, db and IL have yet to send anything/text or phone. Is my gorgeous boy bothered? Not in the slightest. Am I bothered. Not in the slightest. I think they must just have not remembered, it doesn't mean they don't love him or don't think about us, its just that we are far away and they have busy lives to lead, sometimes a small persons birthday in a country far away is hard for them to get excited about. I think it is admirable that he even managed to buy something, in advance and that shows he is interested in you and ds.

dinny · 11/05/2008 20:16

OMG, how materilistic are you???

Ever heard the saying "it is the thought that counts"?

how greedy you sound in your OP

MargaretMountford · 11/05/2008 20:18

you must know you are being unreasonable surely ?

wrinklytum · 11/05/2008 20:20

Dunno why 2 posts!!!

Computer crashed!!!

Lizzylou · 11/05/2008 20:20

I don't don't think that it's the price of the gift that is bothering you, is it?
My Dad needs prompting to ask about my boys, he adores them, he's just a bit emotionally backward and useless about these things.
Don't take it to heart, although I know that it is hard when you live so far away.
I'm sure your Dad loves his grandson, just doesn't show it very well

WinkyWinkola · 11/05/2008 20:24

The child isn't going to worry about it. Don't you worry about it either. It's not important.

At least your relatives blooming well remember his birthday. Some of mine don't remember my DCs at all. That annoys me when I'm pretty diligent about birthdays. But not everybody's the same, I know.

Iagreewithyou · 11/05/2008 20:25

if it helps i know what you mean - my parents don't seem to be too interested in my two ds - rarely any presents, even though very very well off, unlike other grandparents who continuosly shower them with presents despite being much much less better off - i feel disappointed for my dss and i know they will grown up and start to realise the difference between the two sets of grandparents and wonder why - also they rarely ask after them and never listen long enough to hear the full answer when they do ask - i think the only way around it is to ignore and hope not too many questions when they grow older - and yes the thought is what counts but really you guys you can't really know what's going on unless you're in the situation

islandofsodor · 11/05/2008 20:30

YABU.

Ds had lots of expensive presents for his 1st birthday. The most special present and the one he still plays with now (in fact takes it everywhere) is a toy lion that cost £2.97 from Asda.

My parents freind who bought it are thrilled that it has become "THE" toy.

Spidermama · 11/05/2008 20:32

Haven't read the thread yet but at the title.

scottishmummy · 11/05/2008 20:39

bitty presumptuous to suggest list from £8 -£70 so does the £70 purchaser love DS
9times more.

so what if your dad has tons of dosh, is that how you measure love, worth. An expectation of certain renumeration.Sheesh!

a 49p tube of bubbles can be as much fun as £70 all-singing-all-dancing-pressie

maybe your dad just chose what he wanted, not worth any argy bargy or upset

tis thought that counts

clam · 11/05/2008 20:41

Iagreewithyou..... whilst I understand where you're coming from, you can look on the bright side and use it as an opportunity to be able to show your DCs different ways of doing things, and that monetary value is, actually, irrelevant. My mother has a theory that the amount families spend on presents is inversely proportional to income (and, dare I say it, class! Her theory - don't shoot me!) But that could just be her way of excusing mean-ness.

hatwoman · 11/05/2008 20:42

perhaps your father is a senible man who gets annoyed at the ridiculous amount of material waste nearly always associated with young children. especially the really young ones. Hell I've got "plenty" of money and I spent about £20 on my own dds' first birthdays. and with hindsight it was too much. and if either of them, in years to come, sent me a list (unless I requested it) for a dgc's first birthday I'd go out of my way to buy something not on it. or possibly the cheapest thing.

you ask if you should let it slide or make something of it - don't even go there. what would you actually say? phone him up and say thankyou. or send some nice birthday photos and a card. if you want a decent relationship with him. for yourself and ds.

Greedygirl · 11/05/2008 20:45

I am going to stick my neck out cos I don't think you are being particularly greedy but you do sound hurt that your Dad just bought the first thing on the list. I think sometimes when we have other issues with family then the time/money they spend with our children can come under scrutiny and we equate lack of time/money spent with not caring. Agree with other posters that he may just not know how to relate to small baby.

BTW I am greedygirl as in food not money .

Greedygirl · 11/05/2008 20:48

Also agree that the cheapest things can become the most beloved toys. My DS's £1 rainmaker from a charity shop sends his arms and legs whirling in excitement, his expensive mechanical swing thing just pissed him off.

Pheebe · 11/05/2008 20:54

Threads too long to read through but heres my three penneth anyway

Did your dad ask for a list? If not I think I'd have done the same or possibly sent the £8 instead!

List making is just plain wrong. I get asked all the time what people should buy for my ds's and I refuse to say. If people are really insistent I offer the choice of putting something in their trust funds or at a real push some crafty stuff (paper, paints, a colouring book).

IMO a gift should be from the heart and personal and the giver should THINK about it themselves not be TOLD what to buy. Money is irrelevant, does a £70 present represent greater love than and £8 one?

My advice would be tread very carefully, if you confront your dad about this you might find it ends in a huge family row about money...pointless

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