Fuming with SIL

[Potkettlepea]

So yesterday my DH and our two DD went around to my MILs (SIL lives there has no children.) When we arrived everything was good, they had just finished eating dinner and had made a cuppa, so I went into the kitchen to make one for me and DH. Everything was fine until my eldest daughter (aged 2) dropped a date on the carpet to which she was told by her dad to pick it up and to be careful. SIL snaps "she's going to make a mess" gets up and walks into the other room.
For context - I am very aware of the mess young kids can make so I ALWAYS clean u after them and correct their behaviour when at our own home and more so at somebody else's.
Anyway she came back in and had an obvious cob on. She went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and my eldest followed her. When they came back in she had got DD a little glass of water. DD was trying to climb on the pouffe to sit to drink her water all while SIL was holding the water. As she's climbing up SIL says "do you want your water DD says yes and is still climbing on the pouffe SIL asks her again within seconds DD doesn't reply as she's still trying to climb on the pouffe. SIL swings open the kitchen door and puts the water on the counter. DD gets on the pouffe and asks where the water is, SIL ignores her. DD asks again and was ignored. She asks about 3rd time to which SIL says "did you want it you didn't answer me" then storms back into the kitchen to get the water and gives her it. DD drinks the water and then tries to give her it to put high up so that her younger sister can't reach it. SIL says just put it next to the TV so you can reach it bla bla bla.
Just to add - i didn't interject at any point because I wanted to see how the situation panned out and to see how SIL behaves with my kids when she thinks nobody is listening/watching.

DH was speaking to his mum so didn't hear any of this.

Anyway I was obviously fuming, I've woke up this morning fuming even more. So my question is going forward what do I do? In all honesty I don't want to go to someone's house who treat my kids as an inconvenience and IMO are just rude to them, on the other hand I want a similar situation to happen so I am in a position to interject so SIL knows I know how she can be with my kids.

WWUD in this situation?
AIBU - Yes your a touchy mum
YANBU - I'd be fuming too

@Hoppinggreen

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Being a primary teacher doesn't make her a parenting expert or an expert on 2 year olds. Most people get frustrated by toddlers.

She does sound impatient. However being the fun aunt DOES NOT equal parenting or pandering to a child after a long day of work, you are expecting too much of her.

I agree with this - also the SIL must have known OP was there so why all the 'how she acts when no one else is around' is weird. Unless OP was hiding?! 🙈

OP during another one of her in-law “tests”

She sounds like most teachers tbh.
Naturally bossy and impatient.

What a total non issue

Please get out more

Where on earth did i say this???? I said quite the opposite?

You said you would have got water for your child IF they asked you, instead you sat on your arse and judged someone else doing it for you, all because your child didn't ask you directly.

When you stood there watching your DD repeatedly struggle to sit on the pouffe and judged SIL for getting impatient rather than stepping in.

yabu

After a day's teaching, she will be feeling utterly done with other people's kids.

She's not teaching 2 years old is she?

If you were that concerned, you'd have intervened instead of sitting there like a lump. Probably one of those things that barely pinged on your radar at the time but you're unnecessarily stewing over later cos the TV is shit.

How did you observe her behaviour when no-one was there? You were there weren't you? I don't think she did or said anything awful. You are massively overreacting. Maybe it's you she's not very keen on.

Fucking weird you didn’t interject because you wanted to see how it played out and how SIL is without thinking you were watching her. Like some kind of twisted little test.

To be honest, the first thing I thought of when I read your OP was how my sister used to be with her kids when she visited our mum (when I was still living there), my sis used to basically arrive and then never interact with her kids again while they were all there, she just assumed I would entertain them.. she would even send them away if they went to her with anything, I liked spending time with them, but she never used to ask me, it used to really piss me off at times to be honest as she would sometimes be there for 4/5 hours and I was left on my own to entertain two kids?? and she never ever acknowledged it or even said thank you, she just seemed to think it was my job to give her a break from her own kids.

I'm not saying that's what you do, but you obviously let your eldest follow SIL around and assume she will look after her, then when your eldest came to you with a problem (the date on the floor), instead of dealing with it yourself, you left a 2 year old to clean it up which meant SIL had to do it instead to make sure it didn't leave a mess on the carpet.

You need to parent your own kids when you are at others, not just ignore them and let other people pick up the slack, especially if you don't agree with their parenting style.

I've been guilty of letting other people parent my child when we've been at their house or have been in a group. Ive also taken on parenting theirs in the same situation.
Sometimes, I don't want to. Or sometimes I notice someone being a tad impatient with my child. This is when I step in and either send the child to their parent or take over parenting my own, while thanking the other person for their time.

FFS, OP, she's family and you're 'testing' her to see if she's good enough? Pull your head out your arse.

The thing is, everytime we've been to their house i am constantly watching and parenting the kids. I never just "leave" them to their own devices and I certainly don't go around to their house for a break. the date was cleaned up by her dad. There wasn't a mark left. I knew she had an issue when she walked back into the room. I certainly don't ignore my kids when I'm at others houses nor do I expect my ILS to pick up my slack. Like I've previously said I'm more aware of what my kids are doing in order for them to behave respectfully at other people's houses.

Pull my head out my arse? Mate I've previously said I've seen how she is with her older nieces and nephews and how she can speak to them?
She wants to have my kids stay at her house (I've never asked her to and they've not done so before hand) so too right i want to see how she's going to act with them.

But you did leave them to their own devices whilst you watched from godknows where and let SIL deal with them.

How did you end up sat on your arse watching your SiL fetching drinks for your child whilst you silently watched and judged then?

Yes because you can totally make a clear judgement based on how she acts with a surprise visit after a day at work. Mate.

You don't like her. Just be bold enough to admit it. And tell her no she can't look after your kids because she failed your test. That'll go down super well. Mate.

You're a touchy mum. You were in sil's home, maybe she was in a bad mood/tired/cba with company/has stuff on her mind and wasn't particularly bothered about your dd in that moment. I think that's okay. She wasn't rude.

Your mistake (and it's a common one) is in thinking your relatives ought to delight in your kids, no matter what else is going on.

I think this might be a case of you showing up when your sil cba with (and was not expecting) visitors. Nothing personal, just timing and tiredness.

There's no reason for you to be fuming. Be realistic.

I am constantly watching and parenting the kids..

Except you weren't? Your Dh would have sent your DD to go and smoosh date into the carpet, until your SIL intervened and said how much of a mess it would make.. she shouldn't have to remind you or DH to pick up after your kids.. 2 year olds are not really capable of 'not making a mess' with something like a date stuck to the carpet, so it obviously rubbed her the wrong way that your DH wasn't going to just sort it out himself and expected his two year old to sort it.. if she had such a 'cob on' when she came back in the room is it because that is a common theme?

Why was a two year old eating dates unaccompanied anyway, where was everyone when she dropped the date on the floor?

So I get what you're saying but maybe you do it more than you realise, letting your DD follow your SIL and not knowing what they are doing also seems like you are letting her watch the kids for you. And also not intervening with the water/climbing incident is also another example where you have just left your SIL to it to sort out DD instead of sorting a drink out for DD yourself.

The fact that you don't seem to appreciate her taking her off your hands for a little bit is probably making her feel like you are taking her/their house for granted.

I have read the whole thread now and I still think your SIL is a bit of a cow. I’m surprised at the number of people who have had a go at you, OP.
(also I hate the word ‘parent’ used as a verb 🤮 - but that’s my problem 🤣)