Fuming with SIL

[Potkettlepea]

So yesterday my DH and our two DD went around to my MILs (SIL lives there has no children.) When we arrived everything was good, they had just finished eating dinner and had made a cuppa, so I went into the kitchen to make one for me and DH. Everything was fine until my eldest daughter (aged 2) dropped a date on the carpet to which she was told by her dad to pick it up and to be careful. SIL snaps "she's going to make a mess" gets up and walks into the other room.
For context - I am very aware of the mess young kids can make so I ALWAYS clean u after them and correct their behaviour when at our own home and more so at somebody else's.
Anyway she came back in and had an obvious cob on. She went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and my eldest followed her. When they came back in she had got DD a little glass of water. DD was trying to climb on the pouffe to sit to drink her water all while SIL was holding the water. As she's climbing up SIL says "do you want your water DD says yes and is still climbing on the pouffe SIL asks her again within seconds DD doesn't reply as she's still trying to climb on the pouffe. SIL swings open the kitchen door and puts the water on the counter. DD gets on the pouffe and asks where the water is, SIL ignores her. DD asks again and was ignored. She asks about 3rd time to which SIL says "did you want it you didn't answer me" then storms back into the kitchen to get the water and gives her it. DD drinks the water and then tries to give her it to put high up so that her younger sister can't reach it. SIL says just put it next to the TV so you can reach it bla bla bla.
Just to add - i didn't interject at any point because I wanted to see how the situation panned out and to see how SIL behaves with my kids when she thinks nobody is listening/watching.

DH was speaking to his mum so didn't hear any of this.

Anyway I was obviously fuming, I've woke up this morning fuming even more. So my question is going forward what do I do? In all honesty I don't want to go to someone's house who treat my kids as an inconvenience and IMO are just rude to them, on the other hand I want a similar situation to happen so I am in a position to interject so SIL knows I know how she can be with my kids.

WWUD in this situation?
AIBU - Yes your a touchy mum
YANBU - I'd be fuming too

I voted YABU as your reaction sounded too much. Was going to say a calm ‘SiL doesn’t understand how to behave around small children, we need to be careful’ approach.
THEN you said she’s a primary school teacher!! She is punishing children for not behaving exactly as she wishes them to, YANBU. I would be concerned for the kids in her class and wonder if she hates her job. Maybe calmly bring it up with DH and express you’ll need to remind SiL that ‘school may have rigid rules, but this is a safe home environment… so remember these are nieces, not pupils’ ie back off

So SIL has spent all day teaching other peoples kids, comes home, eats and is ready to relax when two kids under 2 arrive. DH is too busy talking to MIL to know what either kid is upto or needs and everyone is have tea. SIL then feels she has to micromanage DD, who is dropping food and potentially spilling water. DD is clearly struggling to get on her seat and her mum/OP sits and watches, doesn’t offer to help with any of it while she’s sipping her tea. SIL is otherwise aware it’s her turn to get on with the dishes and has to tidy up everything before she will ever get the chance to relax alone for the evening, not around children. All before she’s back at work, around children, the next day

All of this. It was a completely inappropriate time to visit. Just because a child asked to visit doesn’t make it okay to visit at such a time. It’s up to adults to say ‘no, we can’t go to nanna’s now, it’s too late today’. The end. Instead the visit was set up to fail and then OP watched to have this reinforced. Also, a good lesson for kids that they don’t get everything when they want it but that involves telling them no, and that’s a huge problem for current generations of parents (and the SIL likely deals with the fallout of this every day in the classroom).

I wouldn’t be fuming but your SIL has no idea of what a 2yo can or cannot do. She is expecting reactions similar to a 10yo from a 2yo.

Sorry op, but I think this whole post is bang on the money. You were a bit of a knobhead here to be honest, with your petty ‘test’. If you have doubts about how SIL is with your children, then you need to be more hands on, not less, sitting around judging her and acting like your child is nothing to do with you!

Sol sounds like a snappy cow.

I'd have stepped in and said, "Alright dd? Here's your water. Have a nice relax."

And said, "Alright sil? Have a nice relax. Sorry about the date on the carpet. No harm done though. Perhaps you'll rather come to ours instead in future?"

But with a steely look.

A steely look to the person who is cleaning up after your kid while you sit on your arse during a "spontaneous" visit??

Agreed. This is exactly the issue. You have tunnel-mum vision to the point that a perfectly capable 38 year old primary teacher, and close relative, after a long week of work, in the evening, after her tea, in her own home, is being “tested” to see if she’s good enough to babysit your DC without you there?

I say it with all the love in the world, but get a hobby.

You are being precious. Not everyone can have patience for your two year olds like you can, their mum. You might've caught her on a bad day too. There are bigger problems in the world to fume about. I'd advise you move on.

What the actual fuck?

This ^ You could have interjected and taken the water off your SIL and given your DD the water yourself, but instead you were hiding whilst making yourself a cuppa and listening in looking for ammo to get upset about the next morning. I cannot understand why you were just listening in knowing that your DD was having trouble climbing onto the pouffe while SIL is losing patience.

Going forward what should you do? Maybe don't expect anyone else to wait on your children and just you and DH make sure your children are taken care of. Visiting family/frjends doesn't make rhe hosts temporary childcare for you and DH.

Let’s be real too, I can love my DN’s to the pits of my heart but when I’ve already had my tea on a Thursday evening, after a long weeks work, a spontaneous visit with 2 kids under 2 is my absolute worst nightmare. SIL is exhausted and just wanted to get her jammies on and watch shit (adult) tv. Had no time to prepare herself mentally if this visit was unannounced.

I have an adult child at home and see this from the other side. They are in their home, relaxing, doing what people do at home, then suddenly without any choice on their part, their siblings will turn up with DGC in tow, peace is ended, mess everywhere, and they're expected to step up to play hands on fun relative with the DC whether they want to or not. Short of going out, they've just got to contend with that. Mostly they do, but I think falling short of perfect now and again is excusable. If I were you I'd try to minimise the disruption your DD causes her aunt (you hold the drink if you see SiL is getting fed up) because I do think there can be a tendancy as a parent to take advantage of visits to relatives and expect too much from them in terms of entertaining your DC/giving you a break.

She's not someone I would leave my own children with. That's not kind behaviour. I wouldn't be fuming, it would just be the end of her being a trusted adult.

In these situations there’s always your side, their side and then the truth.

Parents always hold their own children on a pedestal and think they can do now wrong and strangers often have less patience of tolerance for children and see things that parents don’t.

So in this situation you are probably being overly sensitive because it’s your daughter and SIL is maybe a tad more direct in her way of communicating than you’re used to seeing with children.

Just let it go.

@MissDoubleU nailed it. YABVU op, and this is such a non event all it actually does is highlight your own dislike of your SIL.

I don't get how you keep saying she didn't realise you were watching/listening when you were literally there, in the same room as her?

I imagine that would come as a relief

Hiding behind the sofa?

So the two year old was listened to by you when she presumably wanted to avoid bedtime by saying she wanted to go to see nanna. Right - rod for your own back coming here. You allowed her to drop sticky food on the carpet (shouldn't you have been watching here?), "tested" the SIL who was having to wash up AND interact with two year old in kitchen, brought her out water, asked her if she wanted it, took it back to the kitchen as she did not get a response, then had to bring it back to her again. And YOU are fuming?!!!!!

🤣🤣🕵️‍♀️

Total non issue. She's a bit stupid and grumpy, but she hasn't been mean to your kid. Unless someone is mean to my child, I ignore it all.

I wouldn’t ever speak to my niece like that, but I agree with PPs, stupid time to visit and I’d be annoyed too if I’d done a long day at work and then more small children invaded my home while I’m trying to relax and weren’t being supervised by their parents properly.

AIBU
I have had a hard week as a Primary school teacher and my SAHP sister in law (who has never liked me) turned up just as I was about to go and watch Love Island with her young children and dropped food on the floor then sat on her arse while expecting me to wait on them hand and and foot.
I may have been a bit short with the child after asking them several times where they would like me to put the drink I brought for them but now SIL has the arse with me
AIBU not to give a shiny shit?

They are YOUR kids, you don't get to only parent them when they ask you. It's your job, absolute cheek to expect others to run around after them and do so with good grace despite working all day and having no say in your visit.