Fuming with SIL

[Potkettlepea]

So yesterday my DH and our two DD went around to my MILs (SIL lives there has no children.) When we arrived everything was good, they had just finished eating dinner and had made a cuppa, so I went into the kitchen to make one for me and DH. Everything was fine until my eldest daughter (aged 2) dropped a date on the carpet to which she was told by her dad to pick it up and to be careful. SIL snaps "she's going to make a mess" gets up and walks into the other room.
For context - I am very aware of the mess young kids can make so I ALWAYS clean u after them and correct their behaviour when at our own home and more so at somebody else's.
Anyway she came back in and had an obvious cob on. She went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and my eldest followed her. When they came back in she had got DD a little glass of water. DD was trying to climb on the pouffe to sit to drink her water all while SIL was holding the water. As she's climbing up SIL says "do you want your water DD says yes and is still climbing on the pouffe SIL asks her again within seconds DD doesn't reply as she's still trying to climb on the pouffe. SIL swings open the kitchen door and puts the water on the counter. DD gets on the pouffe and asks where the water is, SIL ignores her. DD asks again and was ignored. She asks about 3rd time to which SIL says "did you want it you didn't answer me" then storms back into the kitchen to get the water and gives her it. DD drinks the water and then tries to give her it to put high up so that her younger sister can't reach it. SIL says just put it next to the TV so you can reach it bla bla bla.
Just to add - i didn't interject at any point because I wanted to see how the situation panned out and to see how SIL behaves with my kids when she thinks nobody is listening/watching.

DH was speaking to his mum so didn't hear any of this.

Anyway I was obviously fuming, I've woke up this morning fuming even more. So my question is going forward what do I do? In all honesty I don't want to go to someone's house who treat my kids as an inconvenience and IMO are just rude to them, on the other hand I want a similar situation to happen so I am in a position to interject so SIL knows I know how she can be with my kids.

WWUD in this situation?
AIBU - Yes your a touchy mum
YANBU - I'd be fuming too

The drip feed of her being a primary school teacher is helpful.
Maybe after a day of looking after and picking up after small children she is tired and wants some peace rather than having to entertain your 2 year old whilst you sit there drinking tea?

Exactly this. OP, you sound as if you don’t like your SIL and have a hair-trigger temper. This sounds like the ultimate mountain out of a molehill — what’s really going on here?

I’d hate (or maybe love) to see your reaction when there’s actually a problem.

That's older kids though. Also, is it half term where you are or was this after work? If she'd been in work her patience for children had probably been used up already! Teachers aren't perfect and it's a tiring job. It's not unusual to struggle to understand a 2 year old if you aren't with them a lot either. It sounds a bit precious or you to take offense at that. Try and forget about it, it not worth falling out over

I get it. But this is the confusing thing, she DOES want to be a fun hands on aunt, she wants to take my kids out etc, for them to stay at her house, to babysit...
Another thing to add is that she had older nieces and nephews (age range from about 13 - 22) and I've seen how she speaks to them and I often think it's quite harsh and can at times be nasty.

Why weren't you or your husband getting your daughter drinks? If you treat your SiL as free childcare when you're there, I can see why she gets pissed off. Not all women love children just because they were born female.

Why does it matter how she is with your kids if no one is listening? I just wouldn’t ask her to babysit or leave kids alone with her if she isn’t kind and is a bit impatient

It's not a very nice way to treat a toddler and I would keep an eye on all further interactions

DRAMA! I think there's more to this than a minor incident. What's the beef between you and sil?

SiL is a primary school teacher...
She wants to babysit etc...
She's nasty to older nieces and nephews too...
I can't help feeling there's going to be a constant dripfeed until everyone says "Oh! Now I understand! Of course you're NBU"
It happens such a lot here.

Put it down to her ignorance about children and child care.
Children learn that all people are different and that there are different rules and conditions at other houses too.

And you were there so could have helped your daughter navigate SIL. "Aunt SIL is asking you if you'd like a drink DD, when you are seated. Would you like one?", you could have said, before prompting her to say thank you. etc.

It certainly feels like it's going to be that sort of thread.

Perhaps she'd had a shit day and didn't really want a couple of small kids around, especially if she's been surrounded by them all day.

You're not going to change her, that's just her way based on your other posts. So your only option is to mention things in the moment. There's no point raising something like this with her afterwards. If she'd been aggressive to your child that would be different, but she just sounds a bit short and stroppy which isn't lovely but isn't a crime.

SIL is probably sick of being everyones slave and is probably also sick of small children.
Going to your in laws isn't an opportunity for you to absolve yourself of all parenting responsibility and get your SIL (who you clearly don't like) to do it instead
Are you from a culture where older childless women are generally held in contempt by any chance ? Apart from their usefullness with regards to household duties of course

Or maybe you’re just very permissive? Which seems likely given your complete and utter overreaction about this.
She’s a teacher, she’s used to being authoritative. There’s nothing wrong about her giving your daughter 3 chances to answer her about the water and then removing it because she didn’t get an answer. Even at 2 children need to understand consequences. You didn’t answer so I took it away. After your daughter said she did want the water your SIL fetched it back for her.
There is nothing nasty or unreasonable about it.

Do you often go round for tea and then leave the parenting (such as helping kid get on a seat, getting them a drink of water etc) to your SiL? I’m guessing that was the problem. I wouldn’t have been happy at all if I was the SIL.

If you don't like the way she is with your child don't sit back and let her get on with it. Don't leave traps for others to fall in to especially when your child is in the middle of it.

Well obviously SIL is short tempered with young children, certainly with yours. So what?

Avoid her as much as possible and monitor when you are all together.

No further action necessary really.

From SIL's point of view, they had just finished dinner and perhaps were looking forward to a quiet evening, and then you all come trooping in, dirtying more muds/making tea, dropping food on the floor, wanting help getting water, etc.

I'd be feeling pretty exasperated and irritated, too.

Don't they have a table? Dc walking round with a plate and water next to a TV? Bit odd...

I would have interjected when you see what was going on. I don't know how you left it so long, when you were unhappy with everything.

Soot on, @Completelyjo

Sounds like SIL is the more experienced person when it comes to children.

We are all different and our family dynamics vary wildly.
However

1. your SIL clearly has issues/possibly doesn't like kids/ possibly lacks empathy/is maybe jealous, ignorant, who knows, but I'd go LC
2. if it happens again, I would defend my child to the hilt in these scenarios. It happened once to me, when my mother used a snappy tone with my then 4yr old Ds. Ds was pushed to tears. He explained to me what had happened and I ones exactly as I knew my mother very well. I took my mother aside and told her that if she ever used that tone again and upset my child like that, she would not see us for dust. (She actually adores her DGc but is very much of the disciplinarian generation, so this was a big statement). I reacted this way because I suffered this 'tone' throughout my childhood and know how it hurts. I am as far from woke as is humanely possible, and can humour most things, but my child being pushed to tears isn't one of them. Only you know how much you can tolerate within your families boundaries. My DC have a strong bond with all family members but at that point, my DM could easily have been labelled the 'horrible grandma'!

In our family unit, in a similar situation, the 'date' and 'water' incidents would have run and run for years, with a piss take at every available opportunity-even to the point of the Dc buying her dates and a cleaning cloth for her birthday hahaha (that's just how we deal) 🤣

To conclude, my DC are now 24/25 and I still stick up for them, so long as I feel it's justified 🤣

The issue is she’s an asshole who sees your kids as an inconvenience and so stop exposing them to her

Get a drink for them yourself for a start