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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn't okay is it?

113 replies

halloweenqueen1919 · 27/02/2025 16:17

DH lost his mum late last year. I've been as supportive as possible and tried to keep family life going and be there for him.

A few months ago I came home and DH was drunk while in charge of our 5/7 year olds. Not paralytic but enough that he was definitely more drunk than I think is okay.

I spoke calmly and respectfully the following day and said it wasn't okay and I didn't want it to happen again.

No drinking when in sole charge of the children.

He phoned me today. While I was at work. 11:30. Drunk. When I asked why he sounded drunk he said I was imagining it. Again he was in charge of our children as they're off sick.

I've had to leave work and come home. I didn't tell him. I got home and found an empty champagne bottle on the side my children watching a film and him in bed fast asleep at 2:30.

I'm livid.

He says yes he has a problem but nothing happened and our child are fine. Basically I'm overreacting.

I've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's refused. My children are crying and also refusing to come with me to my parents.

I'm absolutely gutted and feel completely trapped by this situation. I've got a work trip next week and I'm terrified he'll be drunk the whole time

OP posts:
hoodiemassive · 27/02/2025 16:24

It's not ok. Am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Unless he admits he has a problem, then you need to find a way to make sure the kids aren't in his sole care.

Emerald0897 · 27/02/2025 16:30

Your children are 5 and 7. They don't get to refuse to come with you.

Aside from that- he has an alcohol problem. Unless he is committed to getting help, it will only get worse. He sounds like he is in denial and will only admit to things when he can't avoid it (e.g. telling you you were imagining it, until you had proof you weren't... then minimising it). Classic alcoholic behaviour.

I think I would honestly ultimatum him. He seeks help, or you leave him. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if your kids came to harm in his 'care' while he was drunk. Would your parents be able to have the kids next week at all, while you are away?

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/02/2025 16:31

You are not overreacting. He got drunk while responsible for your kids—not once, but twice—and this time, he passed out in the middle of the day while they were home sick. That’s not just a problem, it’s bloody dangerous.

I get that the kids don’t want to leave, but you also can’t just let him stay and act like this is fine. If he won’t go, can someone come stay with you? You need backup. And I actually think embarrassing him and making him accountable to others is a good idea.

He’s admitted he has a problem, but words mean nothing if he’s still putting your kids at risk.

And if you’re scared about what he’ll do while you’re away next week, that’s a massive red flag. You should be able to trust your partner with your children. If you can’t, you need a new plan—whether that’s family, a sitter, or even legal advice.

You’re not trapped. You have options, and you are absolutely strong enough to take action. He can choose to get help but he doesn't sound particularly motivated and your priority right now needs to be keeping yourself and your kids safe.

Inertia · 27/02/2025 16:36

It’s terrifying.

Do you have any relatives or friends who can come and stay while you are on the work trip? He cannot be trusted alone. You need to be explicit about why he cannot be trusted- don’t sweep it under the carpet.

If not, you’re going to need an emergency nanny.

I would also tell the safeguarding lead at your children’s school- they may need to be vigilant for signs of neglect while the children are in his care, especially if you end up separating.

HowardTJMoon · 27/02/2025 16:40

My ex's habit of drinking herself unconscious while in sole care of our DCs ended up with Social Services getting involved. Our DCs were about the same age as yours are now. They ended up on the Child Protection Register for nearly a year. This is serious.

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 16:41

He's obviously got a serious drink problem and of course it's not OK to be drinking in those quantities while looking after small children. He's clearly in denial.

You're doing the right thing by telling him you won't stand for it.

I would say, though, that kids aged five and seven don't get to 'refuse' to go anywhere with you. They don't get a choice.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/02/2025 16:41

No not OK. I actually think that having a couple of drinks while looking after a child past baby age is ok. But getting so drunk in the niddle of the day tgat you slur words and fall asleep is clearly way past a couple of drinks. Plus lying about it. What would have happened if the doorbell had rang and the kids answered it and told the neighbours that daddy was asleep and they couldn't wake him? Would social services think you were over reacting? What if they'd got hungry and tried to make themselves a snack using a knife? Or as my 5 year old did, climbed on the sofa and fell off and gave themselves concussion?

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2025 16:42

It's absolutely not ok to be pissed out your mind at 11.30am while doing parenting..and on champagne?! Wtf does he think this is? Tell him to replace the champagne and then you should lock it away.

Tell him that he needs to see the GP about his drinking unless he can adhere from doing it while caring for the kids. In the meantime he must pay out of his own money for childcare as he's not capable.
Does he work? How, if he's shit faced in the morning?

Tell him if he carries on like this SS could end up involved. And a divorce lawyer.

hoodiemassive · 27/02/2025 16:43

Also, alcoholics don't get paralytic in the most visible way, because their tolerance is so high.

I have been in your situation and he either leaves or stops drinking, there's no middle ground.

It is awful that you have to go through this.

Hibernatingtilspring · 27/02/2025 16:46

Oh that's awful, I'm so sorry. Put it this way, if the police found a parent drunk and asleep in the daytime, they'd use police powers to remove them to a place of safety (eg with a relative) with a referral to social services

Please talk to work, you can't go on the work trip - unless you have anyone else who can care for them, but you certainly can't leave them with him.

potatopaws · 27/02/2025 16:48

No it isn’t okay, but neither is having a row / scene in front of your young children.

You need to keep your life as normal as possible for the DC, speak to your DH calmly like an adult, with empathy as he’s clearly going through a bad time, and get him to agree to go to AA.

If you need to spend time at your mother’s, do it in a calm and controlled way. Tell your DC you’re going for a sleepover. No horrible rows. Watching a film while daddy sleeps upstairs won’t be a traumatic memory, unless you both make it into one.

ginasevern · 27/02/2025 17:22

@potatopaws

"You need to keep your life as normal as possible for the DC, speak to your DH calmly like an adult, with empathy as he’s clearly going through a bad time, and get him to agree to go to AA."

If you've ever had the misfortune to live with a drunk (like me with my late DH) you would know that talking to them in a "calm and rational way" is about as productive as sticking red hot needles in your eyes. Actually, the latter might just be less painful. They are impenetrable black holes of emotional destruction that suck every ounce of sense and sensibility from anyone near them and can drive you to the very brink of insanity. Moreover, many of us have suffered horrendous circumstances in life including close bereavements. There are posters on Mumsnet who have lost children. They don't turn to drink because of "a bad time".

Maitri108 · 27/02/2025 17:33

I would insist he gets bereavement counselling. Cruse offer free counselling or he can find a suitable counsellor.

I would ask him to visit his GP and discuss his current situation. He might need medication as he's currently self medicating.

I would put other childcare in place when you need to go away, perhaps relatives. I wouldn't trust him with childcare.

Runmybathforme · 27/02/2025 18:08

As someone who has experienced a close family member’s alcoholism, I can tell you you’re completely wasting your time with him whilst he isn’t admitting to a problem. You must not leave your children with him, he will be drunk the whole time. Take your children and run, they don’t get to choose.

Original poster
halloweenqueen1919 · 27/02/2025 18:14

He's left and emailed a solicitor to initiate a divorce.

He says I've broken his trust by speaking to two of his best friends about this.

He also said no don't appreciate or support him and I'm trying to control him. I've been no help since his mum died

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 27/02/2025 18:29

I'm sorry OP but unless he's prepared to admit the real issue it sounds like him leaving is a positive step. Get advice on who to tell so that you can safeguard the children, he clearly can't be left alone with them

nutbrownhare15 · 27/02/2025 18:30

He's blaming you but I hope you know none of this is your fault.

valder · 27/02/2025 18:35

Does he work? He seems to be in charge of the children a lot. But anyway even if he does work his absence rate will climb and lord knows where that ends.

If you love each other to death he will get help. But he is deflecting and is going for a divorce. That might be a knee jerk reaction today, but it may not. If things are rocky anyway, then let him go.

How do YOU feel about him leaving and divorcing you? Staying together will depend on his willingness to detox and go to rehab/AA IMO. And it will depend on your willingness to support him in this. Are you?

Sad situation.

iamawarriorwhojustcrieseasily · 27/02/2025 18:35

I am really sorry you are going through this, but your children do not decide. You might want to give leaving a go again fully confident that you are doing the right thing in refusing to give your kids a choice, just like they don't get to continue playing in the park in a storm no matter how much they scream, and that's the only mindset you need to get them in the car.

They are 5 and 7 and are in danger alone with their father who, in the state he has shown you he gets into while " keeping them safe" wouldn't be allowed to drive a car let alone look after your babies!

And you can't go away and leave them with him. You simply can't. At this point, with the evidence you already have, you would be failing to protect your children.

Just get up and go and work your life out after. Your babies need you to. And I say that, qualified with both professional and life experience to know how hard that will be, but easier than the questions you may face from authorities now or your adult kids in the future if you don't and continue leaving them in his care.

DoYouReally · 27/02/2025 18:39

If he was OK before his mum died, you basically tell him that you know he is grieving but he needs to deal with it by counselling or medication and that you will support him doing that but that while you love him, you aren't prepared to watch him destroy himself and endanger your children.

Emailing his solicitor while upsetting, might actually be a turning point. He might actually wise up when sober and realise what's at risk.

See if you can take annual leave from work and get someone else to cover the trip.

Slobberchops1 · 27/02/2025 18:42

Handy when the trash takes itself out - good riddance . Now you can work on sorting alternatives child care and getting your life on track

verycloakanddaggers · 27/02/2025 18:43

It's not OK. He can't be in charge of the kids if drinking.

But... bereavement can do a lot of strange things, his mum has recently died (if late 2024? not late 2023?) so rushing to a divorce seems a bit much.

Can you try to talk to him, assuming all was well before his mum died?

He says I've broken his trust by speaking to two of his best friends about this. Did you do this? It would be a breach of trust I think, if his drinking is a very new thing related to grief.

FiatMultiplaWhopper · 27/02/2025 18:44

halloweenqueen1919 · 27/02/2025 18:14

He's left and emailed a solicitor to initiate a divorce.

He says I've broken his trust by speaking to two of his best friends about this.

He also said no don't appreciate or support him and I'm trying to control him. I've been no help since his mum died

Alcoholics will say anything to avoid the truth. Try not to take it personally.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/02/2025 18:46

Stick to your guns and keep him out of the home. Your children are not safe with him and he’s not ready to change. I’d also recommend getting to an al anon group for support.

Ponderingwindow · 27/02/2025 18:49

It’s good that he has left. Your children should not have to live like this.

To the poster who said to keep things as normal as possible, at 5 and 7 they will already be well aware of his drinking problem. Glossing over it will just normalize his behavior. They need to know that the adults in their life know that dad is doing something wrong and won’t put up with it.

they are still allowed to love their father, but a clear distinction needs to be drawn between loving a person and tolerating dangerous behavior.

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