This isn't okay is it?

[halloweenqueen1919]

DH lost his mum late last year. I've been as supportive as possible and tried to keep family life going and be there for him.

A few months ago I came home and DH was drunk while in charge of our 5/7 year olds. Not paralytic but enough that he was definitely more drunk than I think is okay.

I spoke calmly and respectfully the following day and said it wasn't okay and I didn't want it to happen again.

No drinking when in sole charge of the children.

He phoned me today. While I was at work. 11:30. Drunk. When I asked why he sounded drunk he said I was imagining it. Again he was in charge of our children as they're off sick.

I've had to leave work and come home. I didn't tell him. I got home and found an empty champagne bottle on the side my children watching a film and him in bed fast asleep at 2:30.

I'm livid.

He says yes he has a problem but nothing happened and our child are fine. Basically I'm overreacting.

I've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's refused. My children are crying and also refusing to come with me to my parents.

I'm absolutely gutted and feel completely trapped by this situation. I've got a work trip next week and I'm terrified he'll be drunk the whole time

I would report this to social services tonight. Unfortunately, I hate to say it, he has a problem that he isn't accepting, to protect the children you need evidence.

Feel you, it's so tough.

I would also recommend as soon as the kids are in bed that you pack a bag for the three of you. Put everything you need for an overnight night stay, birth certificates, passports, important documents relating to finances, house etc, and anything that you really value memory wise like photos, special items. Put the bag in the boot of your car and tomorrow take it to a trustworthy family or friends house. He is likely to return home, there is no stopping him, and you want to make sure you are prepared.

Tomorrow speak to the kid's school safeguarding lead also, you want this on record as dealing with it correctly for your children's safety and also again, for evidence.

I would also speak to your manager tomorrow and explain the severity of the situation. Your kid's safety is the most important thing right now.

So sorry, I've said loads you should do, but then I know you'll be in bits. Give yourself grace, you've done everything you can. Sorry you're going through this.

I'm really doubting myself now. I love my husband and our family life.

He says I haven't been supportive when he's told me he's burnt out but it hasn't been intentional and never would be.

I told his friends because I'm scared and don't know what to do as nothing I say seems to penetrate.

The drinking has always been an issue and I've always been supportive but I was so angry today after we agreed it couldn't happen again

It's not a breach of trust to express concerns to friends about something this serious - frankly you could have reported him to social services. Tell your family and friends and get that out of the way, so he can't keep pretending that he doesn't have a serious problem.

That's the addict talking , this might be his wake up call . Alcoholism makes people very selfish.

He’s making it all your fault so that in his mind none of it has to be his fault. And until he can admit that it’s him who is the problem he’s not going to do anything about it so you are infinitely better off without him. I’m so sorry. And you need to make absolutely sure that his behaviours are documented so that any custody arrangement won’t award him unsupervised time. I would call SS actually, so there’s a record of his dangerous and shitty parenting.

Don't doubt yourself. Go to your parents and be cared for by them.

Unless he wakes up tomorrow, starts AA and accepts responsibility for his alcoholism, you keep going with the divorce.

You wouldn't want this for your children, model that and don't accept it yourself.

Always been an issue - he had a drinking problem before his bereavement?

That is different then and you have to take good care as an existing problem may get much worse.

If he is an alcoholic, 'agreeing' it won't happen again is meaningless.

His choices aren’t your responsibility, no matter how much support he has had or not had. He chose to endanger and neglect your children by putting his desire for alcohol first and till he can accept responsibility he will never change. He will just continue to do what he wants by manipulating you in to thinking you’re the problem so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.

Unfortunately it's classic alcoholic behaviour to try and push the blame onto you. Don't doubt yourself. If the drinking has always been a problem, his recent bereavement is just an excuse for him to drink more. Many of us have got through traumatic bereavement without alcohol. Look after yourself and your children and get support from your family 💐

Don't doubt yourself. You did the right thing. He needs help for sure but he's not yet at a stage of admitting that. In the meantime you have to protect yourself and your children. Can you imagine what might have happened if you'd not come home from work early?

Your children need you to protect them. I know it's hard but he needs to go. How often has he been drunk around your children and you didn't know about it?

He's trying to make you out to be the bad guy so you don't challenge him on his drinking and clearly unreasonable parenting again and he can stay in the comfortable place of not being challenged at all.

I'd bet my life savings once he's got you doubting yourself enough he'll be willing to give you a second chance so long as you make some changes to the way you handle conflict. Addiction turns people into manipulative, selfish feckers. You're going to need to keep a clear head.

You're all so kind to a complete stranger. Thank you. You will never know how much your comments have helped me this afternoon x

He's not driving drunk is he?

He is deflecting because he knows he has a problem and he knows he was in the wrong for being drunk in charge of your children.

The fact he can't admit that (to anyone but the inner recesses of his soul - hence the deflection) is on a parallel with how he is dealing with the death of his mum (using distraction and deflection).

He is lashing out at you because he's hurting with unresolved bereavement.

No that's not okay. He should not be drinking when he's looking after small children. He's an alcoholic and not a safe parent at all.

Your children are 5 and 7. They don't get to refuse to come with you.

Yes this!

It doesn't have to be the end of everything.

Hopefully, in time, he will come to see that his actions could have had appalling consequences for his children. Right now, though, he is grieving his mum and he is in denial and it's easier to blame you than take responsibility himself.

But that may change. It might not ever be the same again, but then neither will he be.

In the meantime, know that you have put the safety of your children first, that was the most important thing you could have done. It was also OK to talk to your friends, this isn't a situation you can navigate and cope with on your own.

Talk to work tomorrow, explain the situation and see if you can delay the work trip.

That’s absolutely shocking. Anything could’ve happened to your kids while he was sleeping off the alcohol. You’re not overreacting at all.

Regarding his mum dying, that’s fair enough that he might be struggling, and alcohol is an obvious go-to for many people. The crux though, is that he doesn’t seem to be doing anything to help himself (counselling, GP visit, speaking to you about his issues etc) even though he knows the risks he’s taking by drinking when alone with two small kids.

I’d cancel the work trip. Be totally upfront with your boss, they’ll understand. This isn’t your own doing.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic, but I think the risk he’s taken would be unforgivable for me. So many things might have happened. One of the kids wandering out the house, choking, a bad fall, a fire. Anything.

If you're to blame for everything then he doesn't have to take any responsibility does he? He doesn't need to look at himself or his own behaviour.

Until he starts taking responsibility you've got no chance of getting anywhere unfortunately. I'd also expect him to lie and deny like it's going out of fashion because those are also things that people with an alcohol problem do. Right now you can't trust him and he needs to be away from you and the kids and only see them when supervised.

I hope you've got some support from friends and family my lovely. Please don't doubt yourself - alcoholics often lash out and say the most hurtful untrue things to deflect blame. You sound like a loving supportive wife and mum. You have done nothing wrong 💐

Thank God he's left. Don't doubt yourself - he absolutely can't be trusted now until he takes meaningful steps.

He is doing everything drunk. He is an alcoholic. They are selfish.

op, find other childcare and take this as a blessing. He will ruin your children’s childhoods if he stayed .

Op you haven't done anything wrong. He's still in denial as to just how serious this is. He's not ready to address it the way he needs to. He's not ready to do the hard work of understanding why he's drinking and that he has the power to change that. He's projecting that onto you so he doesn't need to be accountable because right now he doesn't want to be. There's reasons why he's acting this way but it doesn't actually change the fact that this isn't livable for you and the kids. He cannot be in sole charge of them because he cannot control his alcohol intake while he's caring for them. I think you need to keep him out of the house, I would speak to the kids school and social services because you need them to be prepared to back you up if he is going to have unsupervised contact/ joint custody and also if he ever rocked up to the kids school under the influence. If you've sought out the help you'll be seen as responsible and protective. They can also put support in place for you and the children given that this is difficult and upsetting, the kids will need help to understand what's happening in the right way for their ages, and his subsequent nasty behaviour could turn abusive.

I'd be explaining to your kids that daddy is having a hard time controlling how he uses alcohol and it means that he's not able to be the daddy he needs to be until he gets better. That you and he still love them all very much, this is nothing to do with them and they can still see their daddy in a way that keeps them safe. I'd be thinking of an appropriate adult who can facilitate supervised contact who you can trust in the meantime.

He's lashing out. Alcoholics do when confronted. You're looking after your children who need you to protect them. Don't doubt yourself on this. He's probably grieving - it comes in waves. But this is not OK. Take care.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Him blaming you and twisting it so you have hurt him/embarrassed him is a classic alcoholic/alcohol dependent persons tactic.
People who have a problem with drink often don't want to admit they have a problem and everything will be minimised. They have to decide for themselves that they want/need to stop drinking.
You can't control them but can control yourself and what your family needs. While your children may find it hard it is in their best interests. There are support groups out there for family of alcoholics.
I'd be worried by the twisting and minimising as it tells me he's not in a place where he wants to stop drinking.
You have to look after yourself and your children. There will be lots of people on here who can support you and point you to places for help.
Just know none of this is your fault, no matter what he says to you x