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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This isn't okay is it?

113 replies

halloweenqueen1919 · 27/02/2025 16:17

DH lost his mum late last year. I've been as supportive as possible and tried to keep family life going and be there for him.

A few months ago I came home and DH was drunk while in charge of our 5/7 year olds. Not paralytic but enough that he was definitely more drunk than I think is okay.

I spoke calmly and respectfully the following day and said it wasn't okay and I didn't want it to happen again.

No drinking when in sole charge of the children.

He phoned me today. While I was at work. 11:30. Drunk. When I asked why he sounded drunk he said I was imagining it. Again he was in charge of our children as they're off sick.

I've had to leave work and come home. I didn't tell him. I got home and found an empty champagne bottle on the side my children watching a film and him in bed fast asleep at 2:30.

I'm livid.

He says yes he has a problem but nothing happened and our child are fine. Basically I'm overreacting.

I've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's refused. My children are crying and also refusing to come with me to my parents.

I'm absolutely gutted and feel completely trapped by this situation. I've got a work trip next week and I'm terrified he'll be drunk the whole time

OP posts:

Familyfelix · 28/02/2025 16:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwinklySquid · 01/03/2025 18:06

It’s not enough to just tell him you aren’t happy. If you are aware of the problem and still leave him in charge, should something go wrong, you will be seen as being aware he wasn’t fit.

Cancel the trip or ask your parents to have the kids. When you come back, he has to change. Or he leaves .

RaspberryVelvet · 01/03/2025 18:37

Is there no one else to take care of the children? Otherwise you will have to cancel the work trip. Al Anon will help. Your husband would be better going to AA than a counsellor but he can’t be persuaded into it. He has left so he can continue his drinking.

StrikeAlways · 01/03/2025 18:51

halloweenqueen1919 · 28/02/2025 09:25

My DH does wfh.

Unfortunately our DC were ill yesterday and I had to go in to office for a meeting.

I never imagined for one second he would get drunk at 11am. This is a huge escalation in his drinking.

I work part time. Three days. I work from home usually so it's not an issue and the children would normally be at school.

On some level I feel he's trying to sabotage me having a job because then I'd be completely beholden to him and even more nervous to raise any issues around his drinking.

Him threatening to divorce me is not new. It's happened on a few occasions when things don't go his way. And he knows inputs me back in my box because we are entirely reliant on his income.

Show quote history

I’m sorry you are going through this. Don’t second guess yourself. You are right that his drinking has escalated. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It’s normal for an alcoholic to be in denial, minimise the problem and blame someone else (you in this case) for a crisis. The situation with safety/risk will only get worse and you will become effectively a single parent with a drunk in the house for you and your children to see and tolerate. Don’t worry about relying on his income. For as long as he is working, he will have to pay maintenance and, due to your own work being part-time, you may be eligible for some benefits. Also, when he is not with you, you will have peace of mind.

I speak as a woman who threw her alcoholic husband out 6 years ago. Thankfully, once he realised that I meant it and he was no longer in the relationship, that was his rock bottom (it isn’t always living on the street). No one was more amazed than me when he himself organised to go into rehab. I took him back then, but he knew where my line was. He has now been sober for 6 years, with the exception of a brief lapse last year. I’m not saying yours will do this, but he certainly won’t while he can be his his family and continue in denial.

Judecb · 01/03/2025 19:42

Get other cover for the kids while you are away. Your DH definitely needs help. Can you persuade him to talk to someone about his addiction. He needs to accept this is serious and needs addressing.

Pessismistic · 01/03/2025 21:53

halloweenqueen1919 · 27/02/2025 21:48

Lots of great advice here, thank you.

He's with friends and talking to them. I'm a little concerned he'll twist the story to suit himself but I can't worry about that now.

I'm a very private person and rarely ask for help but my family were here like a shot when I called and I've told them everything. I'm not covering for him anymore.

I'll call Al-anon tomorrow and I'm going to speak to a solicitor myself just to see where I stand in all this.

I've also spoken to DH. He's admitted he has a problem and says he wants to stop and he knows what he's done is wrong. But stops short of saying he'll go to a counsellor for bereavement or alcohol.

We've also had that I'm blowing it out of proportion because the children are fine as they were last time. And that my furious approach to finding him drunk and asleep is unacceptable to him. I need to be gentle and talk it through. I did that last time and this is where it got me

He’s using the divorce to manipulate you ignore him your dc are your main priority people lose relatives daily some turn to drink or drugs, others get on with it but being so drunk you have to sleep it off with dc in the house is neglect they could have had an accident or fire and he’s in bed totally oblivious of course grief is hard but he’s need to be sober to be a good parent no matter what he is going through.

TeddyOatmeal · 01/03/2025 22:31

ginasevern · 27/02/2025 17:22

@potatopaws

"You need to keep your life as normal as possible for the DC, speak to your DH calmly like an adult, with empathy as he’s clearly going through a bad time, and get him to agree to go to AA."

If you've ever had the misfortune to live with a drunk (like me with my late DH) you would know that talking to them in a "calm and rational way" is about as productive as sticking red hot needles in your eyes. Actually, the latter might just be less painful. They are impenetrable black holes of emotional destruction that suck every ounce of sense and sensibility from anyone near them and can drive you to the very brink of insanity. Moreover, many of us have suffered horrendous circumstances in life including close bereavements. There are posters on Mumsnet who have lost children. They don't turn to drink because of "a bad time".

This

Original poster

halloweenqueen1919 · 02/03/2025 08:06

DC and I have spent the weekend with my parents and had a lovely, peaceful time.

DH has been in touch to let me know he is going to an AA meeting and has a session booked with a counsellor.

Some of his friends have been in touch to let me know he's contacted them to tell them what he's done.

He now says I did right thing kicking him out and telling people as his drinking would've continued to escalate if I had turned a blind eye. I don't need this confirmation from him as I know what I've done is right and I'm never going to ignore my inner voice again.

My parents are going to watch DC at my house for the few days I'm away.

I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow so I know exactly where I stand.

OP posts:

Brokeandold · 02/03/2025 08:10

I lost my DM suddenly, 19 years ago, I was 36, we had our 2 DS ( age 6 and 3 ).
I was absolutely broken, still am but I carried on, I didn't turn to drink.
I thought of how wonderful my DM was, I’m the youngest of 6, we had a great childhood, my DM lost her parents and she carried on.
When you’re a parent you find something within yourself to “survive” grief, I talked to my DS when I was overcome with missing her, they missed her too
They have happy memories of her.
None of this is your fault, its his choice to turn to drink, he has to deal with the reality of making that choice.

dapsnotplimsolls · 02/03/2025 08:12

What will your parents do if he turns up demanding to have the kids?

Comtesse · 02/03/2025 08:32

Having a drink when kids are in bed asleep? Pretty relaxed about that.
Getting smashed in the middle of the day and passing out when kids are awake? Pretty terrible.

I cannot believe how manipulative he is being by getting his friends to contact you. Booze has been a problem before, he regularly threatens to divorce you, hmmmm he sounds like a bit of a shit to me, bereavement or not.

Ilovecleaning · 02/03/2025 08:55

Maitri108 · 27/02/2025 17:33

I would insist he gets bereavement counselling. Cruse offer free counselling or he can find a suitable counsellor.

I would ask him to visit his GP and discuss his current situation. He might need medication as he's currently self medicating.

I would put other childcare in place when you need to go away, perhaps relatives. I wouldn't trust him with childcare.

I started to read this thread and was surprised that I had to scroll down so far before someone mentioned bereavement counselling. It was the first thing I thought about.

OPs DH is an idiot and irresponsible and I agree 100% that he is wrong to drink in charge of children but if the drinking only started after the death of his mother he definitely needs help. by that, I mean help to move on and behave responsibly with his family.

Tbh my sympathy is somewhat limited for someone reacting to bereavement (of a parent or older relative) in this way. I have seen it in my own extended family; the protracted ‘all about me’ histrionics’ while others are trying hard to cope and do their best.
OP and her children need him to seek help.

Ilovecleaning · 02/03/2025 09:05

I carried on and read the thread and OPs updates. I see that drinking has always been a problem with her DH. Yes, he needs Al Anon and counselling but OP definitely doesn’t need DH. Addictions wreck families. Look after yourself and your children, OP. He can look after, or ruin, himself. Best wishes 🌺

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