This isn't okay is it?

[halloweenqueen1919]

DH lost his mum late last year. I've been as supportive as possible and tried to keep family life going and be there for him.

A few months ago I came home and DH was drunk while in charge of our 5/7 year olds. Not paralytic but enough that he was definitely more drunk than I think is okay.

I spoke calmly and respectfully the following day and said it wasn't okay and I didn't want it to happen again.

No drinking when in sole charge of the children.

He phoned me today. While I was at work. 11:30. Drunk. When I asked why he sounded drunk he said I was imagining it. Again he was in charge of our children as they're off sick.

I've had to leave work and come home. I didn't tell him. I got home and found an empty champagne bottle on the side my children watching a film and him in bed fast asleep at 2:30.

I'm livid.

He says yes he has a problem but nothing happened and our child are fine. Basically I'm overreacting.

I've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's refused. My children are crying and also refusing to come with me to my parents.

I'm absolutely gutted and feel completely trapped by this situation. I've got a work trip next week and I'm terrified he'll be drunk the whole time

Losing his DM later last year is pretty recent and would still be raw.

If he's mentioned being burnt out, the death clearly tipped him over.

Grief does vary from person to person, but a lot go for lashing out & self sabotage without realising the effect on those close to them.

He's clearly in pain and he wasn't going to take finding out you've spoken to his friends well. That would feel like a betrayal.

He has to take responsibility for his actions, but being married means supporting each other through thick and thin.
You certainly can't fix it without him choosing to change though.

It's either he goes for counselling or leaves, no point involving friends who aren't trained to deal with alcoholics.

If he's starting to see the problem and gets help, you can overcome it.

I have a friend who dealt with similar early in her marriage and they're still going strong after 18yrs.

Regardless of whether you get a divorce, you need to insist that your husband goes to AA. If he will not then involve SS.

It is never okay for a drunkard to be looking after children.
Once separated, your ex will need to have supervised visitation. Social Services can offer helpful solutions.

A lone child carer should not drink alcohol.
Someone in any house with a child should always be under the legal alcohol limit for driving.

I’ve been here and my child got put at serious risk through neglect from his alcoholic father. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

Keep notes of everything that’s happened. I would also recommend speaking to social services and letting them know what has happened and that he is currently not in the family home and not having unsupervised access to the kids. This will protect you and show that you are taking all the right steps to keep your children safe.

I would also get advice from a family solicitor in case things go to court. I refused contact because I felt my ex wasn’t safe to have the children, we went to court and the court agreed. He had to have professionally supervised contact with regular alcohol testing and that was the motivation he needed to get help with his drinking and sort himself out. I’ll never fully trust him but he now sees our child regularly and has a good relationship with him.

Hang in there, things can get better and this is not your fault. He is in the grip of bereavement and addiction so not thinking straight. You cannot save him from this until he’s ready to be honest and accept help but you can save yourself.

Don’t doubt yourself you are doing the right thing and protecting your children.

He is just giving you lip service saying he knows he has a problem but he’s not willing to do anything about it and address it.

You did not break his trust talking to his friends. It’s totally understandable that you would want to raise concerns and see if they can support getting through to him.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

Your children as you know are not safe with him. Stay strong.

This is wise. Tell him, he is welcome to divorce. But either way he needs to sort out his drinking otherwise you will report him to social services and he will only be allowed supervised visits. It’s a safety issue.

You're obviously sympathetic to your DH but you're correct (of course!) to prioritise your children's safety. Your DH needs to go to AA and get counselling. You're doing all the right things, OP. All this 'you need to speak to me how I tell to speak to me or you're the problem' and threatening divorce from your DH is just him putting up a wall against sorting out his drinking problem. Unacceptable. Stay strong, OP.

Your children have to be kept safe, nothing gets in the way of that.

If he wants to stop drinking his friends need to know so they can not undermine progress.

Your children can not see him alone, it's too dangerous - so you need to try and get an admission from him by text or email or recording him on your phone so a judge does not allow unsupervised contact.

My DH does wfh.

Unfortunately our DC were ill yesterday and I had to go in to office for a meeting.

I never imagined for one second he would get drunk at 11am. This is a huge escalation in his drinking.

I work part time. Three days. I work from home usually so it's not an issue and the children would normally be at school.

On some level I feel he's trying to sabotage me having a job because then I'd be completely beholden to him and even more nervous to raise any issues around his drinking.

Him threatening to divorce me is not new. It's happened on a few occasions when things don't go his way. And he knows inputs me back in my box because we are entirely reliant on his income.

Do not doubt yourself. You have done absolutely the right thing thing.
The kids were off sick, so needed his care, yet he got drunk and went to bed?
Good job you came home when you did!
That's the second time you're aware of, how many more times has he done it?
Sending hugs.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. But you have absolutely done the right thing. If you had minimised it or ignored and something terrible happened to your children you would have never forgiven yourself and from a child safeguarding point of view you would have been complicit. So bear that in mind when you are making future decisions about his role in the family.

You can't control his emotions, his behaviour or his addiction, but you can remove yourself and the children from him and protect them.

Him threatening to divorce me is not new. It's happened on a few occasions when things don't go his way. And he knows inputs me back in my box because we are entirely reliant on his income.

You would get by, OP. The most important thing is to keep your children safe.

His only defence is attack so please don't think you have done anything wrong at all.
I lost my Mum last year and while I have to say DH was a bit useless it didn't turn me into an acloholic who endangered my DC.
Its Ok to be angry and hate his behaviour and while I appreciate you may not want to escalate things if he endangers the DC again you could consider reporting to SS as it may help keep them safe in the future

Jesus OP, this isn’t just about his mothers death and his drinking.

He’s a controlling bitch.

Go through with the divorce. He sounds truly awful

Yeah, the fact he keeps threatening with divorce to keep you in your box is so beyond manipulative it’s abusive. Call his bluff. You’ll figure things out and be fine, but I’ll bet he would back down mighty quick.

I feel so sorry about your situation OP. Honestly, you're getting some really good advice. You need to keep your children away from this alcoholic man. He's fighting dirty because he feels cornered and can't be without his 'fix' and he still thinks you're going to back down. I think you know that for your children's sake, you need to take up his offer of a divorce. Solicitor, and AA advice.

Oh dear. My heart is breaking for you. This has to be so hard to deal with.

I speak to you as someone who’s drinking was becoming a problem. He seems to be using alcohol to numb his grief, may have used it before to deal with problems. It’s awful.

However, it is not your responsibility to fix him. The safety of your children is. Sounds like he is making excuses to keep drinking. You could be the most supportive partner in the universe, and he would still make the excuse. Because, when someone is in the throes of addiction, the thing that matters most is the drug - whether that’s alcohol or others. He know you see the problem. I would be willing to bet that’s why he’s leaving - because he can’t continue to live with you and keep drinking.

Please don’t doubt yourself. He may not choose to get drunk, but he chooses to open the bottle. And he knows that when he does he may not be able to stop.

Sending you a hug.

Tell him you're delighted he's initiated a divorce. He's a total wasteman. Also he sounds abusive by trying to control you and sabotaging your career. Change the locks. Give him his precious divorce. But make it plain it's because of his behaviour as you've done nothing wrong.

You can do this, OP. He's a controlling drunk. You and your children deserve better. Show him that you know that. Good luck.

@halloweenqueen1919 He makes you think you can't do it without him. But, you can! You have let him control you and damage your self-esteem. Yes, you might have to get a different job or work full-time, but I am betting you would be eligible for help from the government and that would help AND keep your children safe.

You do not need to "talk to him gently". That's a control tactic people use when they are afraid someone is getting wise to their games.
Everyone gets burn out, and it's not an excuse to get drunk on your ass and leave your children uncared-for.
He has had a drinking problem for a long time, so I doubt his excuses of grief and burn-out are the root of his problem. Sounds like he always has an excuse.

You sound like a wonderful mom and wife. He does not sound like a good father or a good husband, or barely decent.

Your children need to be your first priority and if you cannot be certain they can be safe with their father, then you need to step-up, protect them and stop protecting him or letting him control you.

Wow. He sounds worse by the minute.