This isn't okay is it?

[halloweenqueen1919]

DH lost his mum late last year. I've been as supportive as possible and tried to keep family life going and be there for him.

A few months ago I came home and DH was drunk while in charge of our 5/7 year olds. Not paralytic but enough that he was definitely more drunk than I think is okay.

I spoke calmly and respectfully the following day and said it wasn't okay and I didn't want it to happen again.

No drinking when in sole charge of the children.

He phoned me today. While I was at work. 11:30. Drunk. When I asked why he sounded drunk he said I was imagining it. Again he was in charge of our children as they're off sick.

I've had to leave work and come home. I didn't tell him. I got home and found an empty champagne bottle on the side my children watching a film and him in bed fast asleep at 2:30.

I'm livid.

He says yes he has a problem but nothing happened and our child are fine. Basically I'm overreacting.

I've asked him to stay somewhere else tonight. He's refused. My children are crying and also refusing to come with me to my parents.

I'm absolutely gutted and feel completely trapped by this situation. I've got a work trip next week and I'm terrified he'll be drunk the whole time

If you're someone with a problematic relationship with alcohol and you're confronted with the stark reality of the impact of your drinking, you face a choice:

On the one hand, you can admit that the shitshow that your life has become is a direct result of your drinking. Once you reach that point the inescapable conclusion is that you've got to stop drinking.

Or, you can blame someone else. You can blame your upbringing. You can blame society. You can blame stress. You can blame those closest to you for not being "supportive" enough (which, after decades of dealing with multiple alcoholics in my life, seems to essentially boil down to "letting you get away with getting pissed whenever/wherever you want and cleaning/covering up for it"). Because, that way, you get to absolve yourself of the consequences of your own decisions and so justify your continued drinking.

If you're an alcoholic then any situation that looks like it might not enable you to continue drinking whenever you want is unbearable. The base chemical addiction can't stand that thought. So you'll abandon anything and everything that does not allow you to continue drinking.

I'm really sorry. I've been there and I've faced the realisation that the person you love is implicitly or explicitly choosing to pursue their opportunity to continue drinking over maintaining their relationship with you. You and I can look at someone with an alcohol problem and see that their life would be immeasurably better if they simply stopped drinking. But they don't see it that way. They don't have to. You have neither the legal nor moral right to insist that someone else lives their life the way they think they should.

But what's important to understand is that he's not choosing alcohol over you. He's choosing alcohol over his own best interests. His drink problems are nothing to do with you. You didn't cause his alcohol problem, you can't control his alcohol problem, and you can't cure his alcohol problem. The only person that is able to decide to turn his life around is him. He will only decide to do that if and when he realises that how much he's already lost due to drinking plus how much he thinks he could go on to lose due to his drinking outweighs the bone-deep fear of what he sees his life as being like sober. That's a choice that only he can make.

When I was in the position that you're in I found counselling very helpful. I also gained support from Al-Anon, the friends-and-family offshoot from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Absolutely terrible advice

I'm so sorry your in this situation.

As other have said, you need to make sure that you safeguard your children otherwise SS could get involved and say your not a protective factor. Then you will be forced to prove you can keep them safe.

Therefore he must not have them by himself. You must tell the school and make them aware. They can report SS or you can.

Ask him to see his GP. His best friends can help him, if he wants help.

It's OK to grieve for your family life that you had/want but it will never be the same again unless he gets help, it will only get worse. Going to bed drunk at 11.30 when your looking after young kids is not normal, even if your grieving.

Many people lose a parent.. There grief doesn't entail endangering their dc...
My dh was an alcoholic.

One day he endangered our lives.. I filed for divorce the next day..
Been an ex for 25 years...

Lots of great advice here, thank you.

He's with friends and talking to them. I'm a little concerned he'll twist the story to suit himself but I can't worry about that now.

I'm a very private person and rarely ask for help but my family were here like a shot when I called and I've told them everything. I'm not covering for him anymore.

I'll call Al-anon tomorrow and I'm going to speak to a solicitor myself just to see where I stand in all this.

I've also spoken to DH. He's admitted he has a problem and says he wants to stop and he knows what he's done is wrong. But stops short of saying he'll go to a counsellor for bereavement or alcohol.

We've also had that I'm blowing it out of proportion because the children are fine as they were last time. And that my furious approach to finding him drunk and asleep is unacceptable to him. I need to be gentle and talk it through. I did that last time and this is where it got me

He's admitting he has a problem but then not saying he'll go to counselling/seek help and then he is saying you are being OTT and the children were fine?

He has a very serious problem and isn't admitting it. This isn't on you. Please believe that. You can go gently, you can scream and shout at him, you can ignore him, you can do everything but nothing will work until he wants to address it.

There's nothing you can do but protect yourself and your children.

Being drunk in charge of the kids is serious- don't let him downplay it. Your children will be aware even if they can't verbalise it/pinpoint what it is.

I was that child so I'm speaking from experience. It's very unsettling.

You're not unreasonable. Don't let him convince you that you are. It's sheer dumb luck that those children are fine. He needs to realise that. None of this is on you.

I mean, in the sense that what if something had happened when he was out cold. I'd feel such rage tbh.

Its rarely possible to keep life normal for your children when you're living with an alcoholic. The 'daddy's just tired' lies and the 'isn't this fun at Grandma's' charade rarely fools them. They know things arent normal, that daddy's being weird, and that you're pretending.
Certainly they get wise when you invariably do it on the regular, because you're deluding yourself that 'its just a bad time', and that with a little more empathy from you, and a little more of your support, you can fix it.
A row and a forced trip to grandmas isnt fun, but its whip the plaster off quick compared to the long slow pain of living with an alcoholic parent who cant even be trusted to stay sober to care for you.

You are doing all the right things OP
THERE IS NOR REASONING WHATSOEVER WITH AN ALCOHOLIC IN DENIAL AND UNWILLING TO SEEK HELP.

I went through this shit with my brother over 30 years ago, obviously way way less of a problem than your situation and I'm still traumatised by drunkenness even now. Thankfully he has stayed sober, but they've got to reach rock bottom first and see it for themselves. Nothing will work until they do. Your DC don't need to see that. Stay strong and determined and it's great your family are rallying round to support you. I wish you the best of luck

Yeah that's unacceptable

Sorry op 💐 hope you get things sorted out

An alcoholic will agree to anything—say anything—to avoid responsibility and avoid drinking. Heir goal is to drink. Everything else is a lie. He is leaving because the situation with the children and his friends has made the whole thing public. Now its public you are going to demand more than lip service and he can’t accept that.

I think it’s separating out the issues.

This is not being a bit pissed while looking after your kids, which most parents have probably done from time to time, e.g., when they come home after a night out and relieve whoever’s babysitting their sleeping kids. Or having a few too many drinks during a barbecue in the garden. It’s a risk, but a calculated one if you’re the sort of person who can remain sensible, alert and functioning when over the limit - and obvs don’t drive.

This is someone with an apparently quite serious alcohol problem. Who’s pissed at 11:30 in the morning. And who’s fast asleep, while relatively young kids are unsupervised. Then downplays your obvious distress at discovering that. He hasn’t let you know. He’s tried to hide it. He’s minimising what he’s done. Therefore, he’s not to be trusted.

Don’t leave the kids with him until you’re certain he’s clean. For the work trip, could a family member come to stay at your home, so the kids can be at home with their dad but with someone else there? Could you cancel the work trip given your DH’s condition has just been discovered and this likely affected your kids and thrown childcare arrangements into disarray?

The kids can’t refuse to go to your parents with you. Sounds like such a shit situation for you. What’s happening with him? Sounds like he needs a GP appt asap.

You are not wrong. He may be grieving but that's not an excuse for failing to care for his children. I would stick to your guns until he has accepted his problems and accessed counselling/gp/alcohol services he's not safe to be around your kids. He needs a wake up call.

A divorce from this man will end up being the very best thing that has ever happened to you ( my exhusband was a drunk too. We had children aged 3 and 2).

His behaviour is inexcusable. Yes they were fine, this time! What if there was a fire or one of them had an accident? Turned on the hot tap or the cooker? Tipped something heavy over onto themselves? Fell and bumped their head? Anything could happen while they’re left alone and he’s fast asleep upstairs, they are 5 and 7, not teenagers. Also, I don’t get the kids “refusing to leave” just tell them to get in the car, carry them if you have to. Again, they aren’t teenagers.

School safeguarding lead here. Drinking to excess whilst in sole charge of children is a form of neglect. It is well documented that the children of alcohol dependent parents experience emotional harm that can impact them into adulthood if the situation is allowed to continue. You cannot change what has already happened, but your children are still young and you have an opportunity now to act protectively to prevent lasting trauma.

Your DH cannot be left alone with the DC again until he has shown that he is willing to access support for his drinking and maintain sobriety for a sustained period of time. You have a right to prevent him from having contact with the children if you have any reason to believe he is still drinking to excess.

As you point out, your DH's drinking has always been a problem so the loss of his DM is no excuse for his behaviour. Losing a parent is extremely destabilising but it is not excuse for neglecting your children and placing them at risk of harm. I know you have said that you love him so this is very difficult, but you have to put your children first.

When he asks for you to be calm and explain things gently to him point out that he is an adult! His number 1 job is to keep his children safe. It doesn't matter how depressed he is children should always come first.

Listen you've done the right thing. I work in safeguarding of children and this is what is best for them. It is damaging seeing their dad in this way. By you doing what you've done is showing them that this behaviour is not ok. I would inform their school, they will be able to offee pastoral support for them. They may call children's services but don't worry all they would do is step in as support. They would not be judging you. They would also support you and ensure that dad is not left alone with children as tbh he is a danger to them in his current state.

He will minimise because he's an alcoholic so be aware of that but again you've done nothing wrong.

I hate that he is making himself the victim here and blaming you. That is not on at all.

I lost my mum and it was horrific. I don’t doubt his pain at all however, what he is doing is going to cause you and your children a huge amount of pain. I work with the age of your children, they see, hear and know a great deal more than people think. They’ll also prob tell their teachers things too so seeking support from the school is wise before they come to you.

You are not to blame. Know and hold onto this. People with addictions will do anything to put the blame into others.

As someone who grew up in the home of an alcoholic parent I can honestly tell you him leaving so soon is absolutely the best outcome here. Your children deserve much better than him, not just because he left them unsupervised but because of the rows, the lies, the tears and the desperation they will be exposed to he comes back. I know you love your husband, but he has changed and he isn't the person he once was, the sooner you face that and look into ensuring this separation remains permanent the better.

@halloweenqueen1919 this is so bad. You're lucky the kids were alright because anything could have happened. Don't let him twist the narrative. Nobody should be watching kids when drunk. The fact that he was drunk at 11:30 when alone with kids shows that he's really addicted and needs help. But he needs to not be around his kids before he's got this sorted. So sorry OP. Thank you for being a good mum protecting your children !

Well done you for being so strong. He's trying to turn everything back to onto you, as it's easier to blame you than accept his issue with alcohol combined with grief.
You are absolutely right to speak to others and not enable his drinking, particularly regarding being in sole care of your children.
Have you also alerted your work about the home situation?
I lived with an alcoholic (no children) who was in denial.... It's miserable.
Good luck

I’m sorry for what he’s been through but he sounds like a wanker. He shouldn’t be annoyed at you for being angry!!! He should be mortified and seeking all the support he can get - GP, counselling, everything. You could have lost your children over this twat.

The drinking has always been an issue

Of course he's grieving his Mum, but I think he's also using this as an excuse to drink. Alcoholics do that all the time.

You have acted absolutely correctly OP, especially not keeping it secret. You are doing all the right things for your DC.