No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

YABU.

I am really surprised with the number of people who agree with you.

I have 2 children and have had over 20 birthday parties in total for them over the years so far. I never get everyone responding. This is standard behaviour. I always expect people to turn up on the day who haven't RSVPd. Is it annoying? Mildly at best.

The most recent party took forever for RSVPs. So much so I gave my child more invites and text the parents I had numbers of to chase up. I ended up paying way more than I had wanted to because the majority ended up coming. I didn't hold it against the parents who effectively cost me a lot more money. That's what happens at kids parties!

We had too many party bags at the end because we always make more just in case. Also standard behaviour at kids parties.

You should have provided food for the kids that turned up without the parents RSVPing. Whether that was making up extra ahead of time or buying something from the venue. Really poor show from you.

As the saying goes, you cannot control other people's behaviour, only your own.

I threw a Halloween fancy dress birthday for my kid once and took a couple of extra witches hats and wigs with me in case any kids turned up without costumes. Lucky I did because one of the mums was a single parent working full time and hadn’t read the invite properly so didn’t know. In OPs position I would have taken some extra sandwiches and muesli bars.

OP said they continued to play when everyone else was eating. Sounds like they had fun having the play area more to themselves for a while.

They also left the party with a cupcake each.

There's no use warning parents on the invite if you then give in when the rude parents dump their child on you without even having a conversation.

They are not " punished" Won't starve in a 2 hour party. And maybe will concentrate their parents minds in future.

I bet they did; it's very unlikely that this is the first time she's done that. Sadly, they're probably used to turning up at parties to a stressed and/or irritated response from parents who weren't expecting them, rather than the welcome with a smile that the kids with the decent, respectful parents did.

More of a reason to make sure they are welcomed and included.

It would have been horrible to take a meal from a child whose parents did confirm to give to an unexpected kid, and let the former go without.

Nobody has suggested that. Have spares.

For all you know, the unexpected kids might have specific dietary requirements too.

The kind of parent who just turns up and shoves their kids in before disappearing, having not bothered to reply, is probably the same kind of parent who would take against you if you scrabbled around to find food for their child and it ended up being something they couldn't/weren't allowed to eat.

The kind of parent who doesn't RSVP and just turns up, is very unlikely to have a kid with specific dietary requirements. Those parents tend to make it known.

It must be so horrible being a young child with such selfish parents who don't care about your happiness and cheerfully leave you in an awkward situation; much less respect other people who have tried to do something kind for you.

Kind would be to have a spare lunch.

What was the point of that silly first sentence?

I assume the Mums who are calling her mean are also the ones who don't stick to consequences with their own DC.

I stuck to the consequences with my own child. I didn't expect her to deal with the consequences of someone else messing up.

I’d have done a few extra (and no dietary req would be the standard ones I’d have done) as it’s the kids who suffer for their parents not responding and showing up anyway. What did you say to these kids? Sorry you’ve got no food as mum didn’t respond? Feels mean on the kids for them to sit there hungry. Even if you took some crisps etc, as someone always turns up. So YABU.

@GreyCarpet of course they had to continue to play though, because everyone else was called over and given food and they weren’t. What else were they supposed to do?
The hardly means they weren’t upset. Being singled out and treated differently by an adult and at a party in front of the other children you know is a pretty horrible experience for children.

Whilst I probably would not have done this, and would have had some extra food, I am quietly in awe of you OP. I absolutely support what you did and I hope these parents will learn for the future.

I’m sure there would have been some waste anyway so those other children could have some leftover crisps or carrot sticks or whatever.

Due to the risk of allergies, you were v clear on the invite about food, more specific than I have ever seen on invites, so I can’t believe these parents would not have noticed your request.

As an aside, I say parents and not mums because I think both parents have a responsibility to reply to the invites.

Nah. Shame for the kids (who will have forgotten it by next week) but no wonder some parents just roll through life with this sense of entitlement when they are constantly enabled.

Sorry, no. Any decent person would be fucking mortified if their kid didn’t get fed because they didn’t reply and would ensure it didn’t happen again. Job done.

If the parents who didn't rsvp hadn't avoided contact with the OP at drop off they would have known that there was no food for their dc. They could have then brought them something to eat. This is entirely on them. I would have told their dc that their parents hadn't ordered food for them. If they were hungry the parents can answer their dc's questions about why they didn't order food for them.

pp mentioned them just sitting there watching others eat which isn't what happened.

Sounds like they still had a good time from what OP said, they just had a bit of a delayed lunch which isn't the end of the world. Some children barely eat at parties anyway.

If they did feel upset, it's down to their parents. Hopefully they will RSVP next time.

What is ‘mean’ and very detrimental to children is to raise them to believe that RSVPing is for other people, and you should be catered for regardless. Lumbering your child with such poor social skills is very ‘mean’ and op has done them a favour.

What is ‘mean’ and very detrimental to children is to raise them to believe that RSVPing is for other people, and you should be catered for regardless. Lumbering your child with such poor social skills is very ‘mean’ and op has done them a favour.

The kids would have had no idea. Even if they went home and said they got no food, the parent isn't going to say "yeah, that's because I didn't RSVP"

They will eventually. Even if their parents don't say anything, someone at a party just might.

I would've told them that they don't have any food because mum & dad didn't tell me that they were coming.

You vave them plenty of chances, tried to follow up and chase a response. Personally, i think it is rude to turn up without rsvping. Who just turns up without saying they are coming so the organiser can be prepared??

I had 5 no RSVPs. 3 of the non RSVPs have 5 siblings between them, one of them families being Halal - they have attend before. By some of the logic here that would mean I had to cater for an extra 9/10 just incase.
Massive waste for what if - I'd of also been over numbers! And had to turn away anyway!

Room holds 40 - I invited 30 just incase parents struggle with logistics with siblings. I made sure I could accommodate them.

I knew who was coming and what they ate.
Thank you to the poster who suggested time and location provided up on RSVP. This is my plan for next year
At least that way non RSVPs won't show.
The children asked and I told them I didnt know they were coming as there mums hadn't told me their favourite butty filling. So unfortunately I didn't have one.
One child responsed 'yeah mum does that she forgets to order my school lunches to' Upsetting yes = not my responsibility.
Just to clarify if you don't order a hot dinner at school they are give sandwich and fruit. They don't operate a no order no food policy
Unlike me😂

For leaving their child at the party without even letting the OP know and then for collecting their child from the party late. Shame on those parents.

This is also irresponsible - OP wasn't expecting these children, they were just shoved into what sounds like a public venue (ie it wasn't OP's house) with no mention to OP that they were there. OP didn't know she was responsible for these children, they could have wandered off before she'd seen them, or there could have been a fire alarm and OP says "there's X number of children at the party" but actually she's wrong and there's more.

It is not the OP that has left these DC without food-but their Mums

And dads.

If the parents who didn't rsvp hadn't avoided contact with the OP at drop off they would have known that there was no food for their dc. They could have then brought them something to eat. This is entirely on them. I would have told their dc that their parents hadn't ordered food for them. If they were hungry the parents can answer their dc's questions about why they didn't order food for them.

So many saying it's the parent's fault and are totally happy with young children being made to pay for that. What kind of society decides to leave children disadvantaged because their parents mess up? It isn't about them starving, it is about excluding them, and (probably) telling them it's because their mother was bad at admin. That's unfair.

It's very strange that parents were able to drop kids off without making themselves known. Any place I've been that is a regular venue for kids parties has a list of attendees and you're buzzed in. If it is a community hall or similar, the organiser always has someone at the door asking kids names. If a parent can drop kids off unseen, that means the door is not secure and kids could wander off from the party unseen.

But despite being unseen OP knew exactly who the interlopers were. Those kids must have been singled out and told there was no food for them. Then they had no option but to go off somewhere else.

@BoredZelda
Of course they are!
They’ll also be the same ones who let their kids run riot in restaurants etc without consequences. The same ones who are horrified when others dare to comment on their shit parenting.
FFS no child is going to starve from not having food at a 2 hour party! Even when my kids were small there were parties where you would only get food if you pre ordered in places like laser quest etc. It’s rude to turn up without RSVPing generally but maybe less bad when it’s a general buffet type party. Sending your kids to a party when you’ve been reminded several times that food needs to be pre ordered and then having the nerve to complain is ridiculously entitled behaviour. I don’t get this weird thing on MN where everyone is expected to pander to everyone else’s kids. No wonder so many of them have MH issues by late teens if they have been brought up to expect everyone to mollycoddle them.

OP didn't know she was responsible for these children, they could have wandered off before she'd seen them, or there could have been a fire alarm and OP says "there's X number of children at the party" but actually she's wrong and there's more.

You'd think that[s something a party organiser would be aware of and make sure can't happen.

Why? It takes seconds to let the op know if their child was attending. If they didn't well tough titties. I hate this entitlement 🤮

@HamSpray I’ve read back the OP”s posts and can see nothing to indicate any disingenuity on her part. She was very upfront and honest - no rsvp means no food. And that’s exactly what happened.