No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

It says everything about the parenting that they dump and run, I agree. Op could easily see what had happened as she had named lunch boxes.

The child isn’t being disadvantaged, they are learning a very basic and valuable life lesson.

Not her problem though really,is it.

Can I add the non RSVP children didn't bring a card for my DD either!
Party was 1.5hrs I did give them drinks.
@JoyousEagle I didnt notice it was DD BF mum that pointed it out.
In the event of an evacuation I could have over looked them, never thought of that.
Yes public sports hall. Normally done at my house but she wanted all cousins and friends so need somewhere bigger.

Thank you to the poster who suggested time and location provided up on RSVP. This is my plan for next year

I don't see how this helps really - people may not be able to RSVP without a time/location, so people will message saying "thanks for invitation, if you let me know exactly when/where it is, I'll check if we can make it" and you can't exactly refuse to give that info until they confirm. And then you might just not hear back. It might weed out some people I guess.

As an example, my DH can't drive for medical reasons. So if I'm busy, he can probably take DD to a party, but it's a bit dependent on public transport. Or if it's a Saturday afternoon party, people might have eg swimming lessons, so they can go to the party if it starts at 3, but wouldn't be able to make an earlier time.

For sure everyone calling op a meany cat are the very sane parents that behave like this.
It takes one second to RSVP. If your life is so out of control you can’t find the seconds it takes to reply, then I suggest party food is the least of your worries.

FFS no child is going to starve from not having food at a 2 hour party!
Once again for those at the back, it isn't about the food, it's about exclusion.

Even when my kids were small there were parties where you would only get food if you pre ordered in places like laser quest etc.

At those places, you meet the kids at the door and have them signed in. You can't just turn up and drop kids off.

Sending your kids to a party when you’ve been reminded several times that food needs to be pre ordered and then having the nerve to complain is ridiculously entitled behaviour. I don’t get this weird thing on MN where everyone is expected to pander to everyone else’s kids.

The parent was rude, the child was not. It isn't pandering to understand the difference there.

No wonder so many of them have MH issues by late teens if they have been brought up to expect everyone to mollycoddle them.

More likely they have MH issues by late teens if they have been made to feel like they are unworthy of being somewhere, with parents who leave them places where the other adults around them feel that the chance of "wasting" half a cheese sandwich is so awful, they are willing to see young children excluded. OP was so hyper focused on making a point to these terrible parents, she chose to exclude children to do it.

If you don't want people,who haven't RSVPd to your party to come in, stand at the door, meet parents and have the conversation with them.

But OP has already had the inconvenience of having to follow up - she's expected to contact them yet again to cover for their complete lack of respect of courtesy?

It's not even just the extra effort; it's the fact that it can feel very embarrassing and come across as really needy to be repeatedly chasing people.

Personally, after an invitation and then a reminder, I would respect the clear implication that they aren't interested and stop bothering them, as well as maintaining my own dignity.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all!
I stopped doing big parties because I was sick to death of chasing people up, even up to the day before the party, to find out if they were coming or not! Booked a soft play party, with food, for one party. Had to finalise figures a week before and pay in full for it so double checked with all parents and paid.
Six didn't turn up- 3 didn't even let me know they weren't coming, the other 3 made feeble excuses. I'd paid for those children,and couldn't get my money back. Just rude!

It's wasn't a play centre. Public sports centre no buzzed in anywhere, walk in down to sports hall throw children in. Only parents you see asking at reception are those that haven't been before.
It's simple left sports hall and gym, right swimming and viewing area.
It wouldn't surprise me if the children were flung out of car in carpark to make there own way in.
If I'd of seen them I could of asked someone to nip to mine and make 2 up. If mums had announced present I would have done it. Bit late when DD BF mum points them out as I'm handing out the food.

It's the parents fault ultimately, but I wouldn't have let kids A) Not eat and B) Feel singled out among the other kids for being the only ones without food. They obviously felt bad enough about it that they told their parents afterwards.

You'd like to think that the parents of kids with allergies/dietary requirements are going to be switched on enough to make sure food is sorted, so surely there's no harm in making up a handful of 'standard' meals as spares?

The child isn’t being disadvantaged, they are learning a very basic and valuable life lesson.

This is such a glib cop out. Pretending that excluding children is a teaching moment.

If you want a teaching moment, how about the child is taught that even though their parents don't show up for them, other adults will. I'd have thought that was a way more valuable lesson than a bit of adult etiquette they will learn as they grow up.

Also when the mums didn't show at collection time I had no way of contacting parents to find out what was happening.
I stayed with them, didn't just up and leave.

This is a brilliant idea that I’m going to steal!
No RSVP = No Food! Absolute genius!

Made to pay? They were still able to play and left with a cupcake. They just had to have lunch when they got home.

It really isn't a big deal and OP made it very clear what would happen so the parents dropped them off knowing there would be no food. That's on them, not OP.

It's not even just forgetfulness or disorganisation, either.

Remember that these parents who turn up with their unexpected child have taken the time to read the invitation, they added it to their calendar, they've made arrangements to get the child there. They've done all of the things that benefit them; they just haven't cared about the person actually organising and paying for it - not even enough to speak to them for a moment and briefly thank them when dropping off their child.

It's sad that it has to come to it, but I think the suggestion to only confirm the actual venue once people reply is a very good one.

If I'd of seen them I could have asked someone to nip to mine and make 2 up. If mums had announced present I would have done it. Bit late when DD BF mum points them out as I'm handing out the food.

So you did realise that not having food for them was the wrong thing. And in a public sports centre, not a single scrap of food to be had. Not even a vending machine to get a packet of crisps?

Poor form to be so disorganised at a party that you have no idea you have extra children in the room. You realise you'd be held responsible for that if something happened, not the parent who didn't RSVP?

It’s not glib, it is highlighting how the real world works. In reality, they should have been turned away at the door. That is what should have happened ( obviously they were sneaky about shoehorning their child in)

If we tolerate such poor behavior this problem gets worse, and we raise a whole generation of children totally ignorant and deficient of the most basic life skills. A humble apology and explanation by the mother wouldn’t have been amiss here, but to dump and run is really poor form.

Good for you OP. Whilst its a shame for the children whose parents didn't respond thst they didn't have a food box, at eight they're old enough to be told the reason why there wasn't any food for them and to understand that it's their parents' fault. I always found it shocking how some parents behaved with parties when my daughter was at primary school and how many children were late arriving, late being collected, how many brought uninvited siblings with them, and how many didn't even bring a home made card.

Well done @itsmeits! Fair play to you. You gave everyone reasonable notice and instructions, so you did what you did with the information you had.
It doesn't sound like the kids were bothered, just the CFer parent! How rude to just shove them in, turn up to collect 15 minutes late and then complain that they hadn't had food. Unbelievable! Your response to her was spot on though!
They aren't 'poor children' because you didn't provide them with a food box, they're 'poor children' because their parents are CFers and haven't got their shit together!

And no doubt you are one of these shit mothers defending the indefensible.

OP isn't the disorganised one here. Parents need to take responsibility for not only failing to RSVP but dumping their children knowing that no food would be provided and without even letting OP know and then turning up late once the party was over.

Made to pay? They were still able to play and left with a cupcake. They just had to have lunch when they got home.

It was enough of an issue for the kid to mention it to the mum when they got home.

I am very glad so many people weren't routinely excluded when they were children, that they all had wonderful parents who did everything right.

It's baffling to me that so many people are entirely happy to see this happen to other people's kids when all it takes is a little kindness.

The disingenuousness I’m referring to is the ‘How could I possibly make up spare food boxes without knowing whether those children had allergies, were gluten-intolerant, vegetarian, halal etc?’

How could she? They dropped and ran (what a surprise)

No. Those parents might learn some manners now. And they can feed their kids when they get home

Poor form to be so disorganised at a party that you have no idea you have extra children in the room. You realise you'd be held responsible for that if something happened, not the parent who didn't RSVP?

Why would OP be responsible for children that have been dumped on her by parents who never replied and also didn't even speak to her to 'hand the kids over'?

What if there had been other random kids who hadn't been invited but whose parents were passing and saw there was a party on, and so sent them in to gatecrash before immediately scarpering themselves? Would that have been OP's fault/responsibility for not employing bouncers for an 8yo's birthday party?