No RSVP = No Food

[itsmeits]

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

I do the same as the OP and make sandwiches for lunch bags to try and cut down on waste. Still doesn't always happen (do you give them half a sandwich as you know it will get eaten, or does that look mean and you know some kids will eat a full sandwich so you give all of them this for then to not eat anything!?).

I do feel sorry for the children as it's obviously not their fault to have such rude parents and I imagine if this happens to them constantly turning up late, nothing provided for them and then their mum is late to pick up they feel really embarrassed. Maybe if there were bags of crisps or an apple in the lunch bags you could always bring a few extra of these bits in the future as that would at least be something and is easy to take home and use again if not needed.

I don't know what the solution is though as I wouldn't want to be making spares just in case when I have sent out reminders several times. Surely their parents must function in the real world and know that if invited to something you need to respond, if they were invited out for a meal they wouldn't simply turn up on the day and assume there is space? But maybe some people do live like this.

This sounds like Motherland!

YANBU although I'd probably have text the mums saying no food was made as you didn't really, no spare food available, come back and bring something for your child to eat. Putting the inconvenience directly on them. I'd probably have found some way to feed the kids but that's just me, soft touch.

I feel bad for the kids, it’s a pretty shitty experience for them at 8 to have everyone given food boxes around them but not them.
It would be better if you didn’t take the late add ons at all imo.
It’s the parents fault for not rsvping but the children are the on getting the bad experience.

Oh please. A bag of crisps and a drink as a minimum.
Is every child potentially about to die from unknown foodstuffs?
I wonder how the generations survived the last 4 billion years what with woolly mammoth milk allergies and no hair straighteners.

I always make extra party bags. There's always a couple of extras in that situation. You can give them to siblings. Food boxes same. Yanbu to not cater for those that don't accept the invite but I think you could have done the spares in case.

It's worse when people rsvp then don't turn up!

@ItShouldntHappenToMeYet Ok, so that child gets a bag of crisps and a drink, sitting next to a child eating a prepared lunchbox. I reckon that child would know they were getting something not so great. Still OP’s fault?

Yes. Even some fruit and crisps would be better than nowt. It's shitty to leave kids out because 'what if'

@ItShouldntHappenToMeYet But the same outcome is being achieved no? The child is still going to know they got something different. I think the OP did absolutely the right thing.

While I completely agree that parents who don’t RSVP are rude, I can’t imagine feeling ok about not feeding the kids. They must have felt so sad while all the other children got fed and they didn’t and they would be too little to understand why.

Upsetting kids for their parents’ fecklessness is unnecessary in my view. Having a few extra bags of crisps and sandwiches on hand - all of which could be eaten later if no extras turn up, is just not that big a deal. I think it is bloody minded and a little mean for you to have behaved in that way.

This is it I've done spare in the past that has gone to waste.
Kids ate nearly all of what was in the boxes as they had different options to go in (only did a half sandwich - except for the older nieces and nephews) I had very little waste.

The two children I didn't have food for didn't seem to care they just continued to play. 2 other children weren't hungry so joined them and took the boxes home.
Just to add I didn't do party bags - just a cup cake each, these I had spares of as they were just generic Lidi cupcakes and I had 36 as come in boxes of 12.
So they did leave with cake.

She orders whatever number of standard boxes. Most children are not vegetarian, gluten-intolerant, halal or have allergies, and the overwhelming likelihood is that the parents of children who do have dietary restrictions will have RSVPd early, anyway, or sent a child with their own food, because they’re hyper-aware of the issues.

Obviously the parents should have replied, but as it routinely happens that children show up on the day, and it’s not their fault, I think it’s disingenuous to then have those children go hungry at a birthday by saying ‘Oh, but I couldn’t have given your child a food box because they might have had allergies.’

But then I'm expecting to prepare extra for a 'what if'
The children didn't care they left with cake. Just not a free meal

She didn't make a kid feel like shit to make a point. She chased up non replies a few times and it was made very clear on the invitation that no RSVP would mean no food. OP produced individual boxes due to allergies/dietary requirements. This is all on the kids' mother.

People needs to learn actions have consequences- they can’t roll through life expecting others to pick up the slack while they do nothing. No rsvp no food is a fab policy!

Those children will learn too, that you need to reply in a timely fashion or people won’t have catered for you! They aren’t going to die of starvation! They have learnt a very valuable lesson. And yes shit parents need to stop teaching their children poor manners and entitlement.

It’s not okay to expect others to pay for and cater for your child just in case they should grace the party with their presence. It’s ridiculously rude.

YANBU re the parents.

But YABU to have children at the party with no food.

It would have been no hassle at all for you to do a couple of extra snack boxes & you knew full well this scenario would occur.

It was really mean to the kids not to have a lunch. Not their fault they have flakey parents & they must have been hungry & probably felt singled out. Hopefully the other children were sweet enough to share.

Lunch boxes were required so that her niece didn't come into contact with certain foods due to her severe allergies. Other kids required a Halal lunchbox.

It's not nasty to not provide food for children who OP didn't know were coming. If the children's mums had read the invitation which they obviously did to find out the time and venue, they would have known that no RSVP meant that no food would be provided. This is all on the parents.

This thread is so interesting.

We all have seen threads about consequence and follow through when dealing with our DC.

Here is @itsmeits who has clearly and repeatedly stated what info she needed and the consequence for not replying.
It is not the OP that has left these DC without food-but their Mums-who def thought there would actually be no consequence and they could just send their children in despite not having the courtesy of replying.

I assume the Mums who are calling her mean are also the ones who don't stick to consequences with their own DC.

Would I admittedly have had a bit of extra food-probably.
But do I admire OP for follow through? Absolutely.

@ItShouldntHappenToMeYet people with allergies DIDN'T survive. Is that a better option? Lots of children died in the near past of things that are now preventable... On the other hand, no one is going to die from missing lunch, so I reckon those kids with the CF parents will be fine.

OP, you are totally right. You gave them every opportunity to sort out food for their kids and they didn't even bother to check about it on the day.

I'm not sure how fun it would be sitting there hungry while your friends eat party food and you have no idea why you got nothing.

OP is of course correct. But it's harsh on the kids. It is their own parents fault, but that doesn't really help in the moment. I would at least have given them some crisps and cookies or something

I would have made up extra boxes with bog standard food.... ham sandwich, plain crisps and a chocolate bar.

The parents should have responded but I would t have punished the kids for it.

But that is not bog standard if you have children who don't eat pork for religious or vegetarian reasons

Parents with kids with restricted diets are almost always the ones who respond. Because you have to.

They were warned repeatedly.