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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No RSVP = No Food

429 replies

itsmeits · 26/02/2025 20:44

Not the first bday party I've ever hosted for my kids but not many like this one left. Youngest turned 8 and had a bouncy castle party at local leisure centre. Up to 40 children.
Sent out invites 3 weeks in advance (due to party on Sunday after school holidays) asking for RSVP for the Sunday after they broke up. Week before party. 22 sent to school/after school club/ after school activities + 8 cousins were a defo yes.

Several got back to me that day confirming others in during the first week. Fab 👌 9 in all.
Sent a second invite to the 13 who hadn't RSVP'ed on the following Wed asking for an RSVP ASAP due to food allergies in the family and I was doing individual lunch boxes for each child and would like to make sure they had the perfect party lunch box.
I also put on the invites that once I got an RSVP I would provide food options for their party food box - this was put on both invites - NO RSVP = NO Food Provided.
6 more got in contact.
15 confirmed school
I provided food for 6 other siblings of parents that asked if they could come also due to childcare/non drivers and the travel time on PT. No issue with this - My DP worked shifts when mine where babies - sometimes I was that parent that asked! Or it wouldn't happen with travel logistics.
I had no contact details for the other 7. Due to full time work, I don't know the mums to grab them.
DD best friends mum did speak to one for me when shopping in the hols who text apologised and confirmed, they were coming. 2 more text, apologised said they had just found invite and could child still attend. Again said yes and let them pick food.

I now had 18 from school confirmed + 6 siblings and 8 family. Happy days.

Sunday (the party) I did the 32 Boxes and set up the party you guest it 2 extra rock up from school. Both Mums didn't stay were late dropped kids at door pointed over and ran. Children weren't fed. Mums were not happy when children told them when they Collected them - 15 mins late may I add.
I have held over 25 childrens parties over the years. Parents have not show up to expensive laser quest/ soft play/ bowling/ crazy golf/ escape rooms. Even with an RSVP people haven't shown. Grabbed 2 random kids at the later quest one to join no to lose out - still chat to the mum to this day.

One of the school mums I have known for 10+ years couldn't believe I said it and went through with it and didn't provide extra on the off chance. DD BF mum thinks it's hilarious and said she's doing same May!

It wasn't a buffet it was tailored boxes due to allergies - I am not putting my neice at risk. It also cost me less than a buffet doing the boxes for everyone. Also much less waste.

YABU - Should have done extra regardless, on the off chance
YANBU - Warning was given on invites, they turned up so mush have read it!

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 01/03/2025 14:40

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:33

I’m not arguing about it. I totally understand that it’s not cool to not rsvp but everyone is busy and there are several parties every weekend so it’s easy to miss something. I’m just saying I could t imagine having guests turn up and then saying you didn’t rsvp so there’s no food. I’d have some extras just in case to guard against that. It’s like she’s deliberately trying to abrupt and prove a point here. I think that’s very crass and an easy way bro make enemies - I would generally want to make enemies at school for obviously reasons. That is all

Surely when you remember there is infact a party later today or tomorrow which they must of done since they arrived you at least message the host.

“Ever so sorry but realised we completely forgot to rsvp to Olivia’s party, Thomas would like to come as long as there is still space available. Sorry again”

Then let the host decide. Not oh well I forgot but now I’ve remembered I’m just going anyway.

IDoWhateverItTakes · 01/03/2025 14:43

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:16

I would always have extra meals in case I’d miscounted, a sibling unexpectedly turned up or we got the wrong food. That is always done in my circles. I can’t imagine saying no rsvp no food. Goodness me. It’s just very crass. But that’s how you roll so that’s fine. Let’s just agree to disagree

Show quote history

No, what's 'crass' is blatantly NOT rsvp-ing as asked originally or with reminders, rocking up and dropping your kids off without a word after not rsvp-ing, not even sending a gift or a card (which they didn't), being late for pick up, and then having the audacity to moan that your own rudeness is actually someone else's problem to sort.

It's not.

ScruffMuffin · 01/03/2025 14:46

YADNBU!!! You were absolutely crystal clear on this. More than once!

The kids didn't get fed because their parents were disorganised and rude. You weren't being mean or cruel as others have said - they got to go to a birthday party! They won't suffer by having to wait an hour or so to get fed at home instead. And maybe the parents will learn from this.

Original poster
itsmeits · 01/03/2025 14:47

UnicornBubble · 01/03/2025 14:30

I would have done a few extra personally (but it tends to be the case here that people just turn up rather than rsvp!)

But I don’t blame you at all, and TBH you went to a lot of effort to remind people and get the RSVPs.

Out of interest, did you tell parents they could leave the kids or were they expected to stay?

I asked when they RSVP'd what they were doing. Some stayed about 8. I also had several adult family members there.
40 was number of children limit.

I had no issue with this, except mildly with the ADHD child, they were into everything and everywhere.
ADHD mum looked tired at drop off said she was going for a nap. DD BFM did tell me she's on her own with him and is always yawning at school.
The brief time with the child I understand why she bit my hand off for 1.5hrs off.
ADHD mum did apologise if he was a little excited at the party but he isn't invited to many. She looked a bit fresher after her nap.
I just said he's spirited with a smile, and thought I hope she get another break soon.

OP posts:
Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:47

IDoWhateverItTakes · 01/03/2025 14:43

No, what's 'crass' is blatantly NOT rsvp-ing as asked originally or with reminders, rocking up and dropping your kids off without a word after not rsvp-ing, not even sending a gift or a card (which they didn't), being late for pick up, and then having the audacity to moan that your own rudeness is actually someone else's problem to sort.

It's not.

Show quote history

Maybe next time don’t invite those kinds of parents. They’re probably not people you want your children mixing with anyway

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/03/2025 14:48

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:33

I’m not arguing about it. I totally understand that it’s not cool to not rsvp but everyone is busy and there are several parties every weekend so it’s easy to miss something. I’m just saying I could t imagine having guests turn up and then saying you didn’t rsvp so there’s no food. I’d have some extras just in case to guard against that. It’s like she’s deliberately trying to abrupt and prove a point here. I think that’s very crass and an easy way bro make enemies - I would generally want to make enemies at school for obviously reasons. That is all

The invite very clearly said no RSVP, no food. The parents either didn't care or just assumed OP would go back on what the invite said.

OP is busy too. She made her boundaries clear, if the parents knew where the party was then they clearly read no RSVP, no food too. They were chancers and didn't like it when OP stuck to her word.

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:49

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/03/2025 14:48

The invite very clearly said no RSVP, no food. The parents either didn't care or just assumed OP would go back on what the invite said.

OP is busy too. She made her boundaries clear, if the parents knew where the party was then they clearly read no RSVP, no food too. They were chancers and didn't like it when OP stuck to her word.

Show quote history

Fine. That approach would just be unimaginable at our school, that’s all. Just my view - which the OP asked for

DingDongAlong · 01/03/2025 14:52

@itsmeits I think I love you 😍

I'm going to do the RSVP to get the event details approach too. A genius idea.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/03/2025 14:53

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 14:49

Fine. That approach would just be unimaginable at our school, that’s all. Just my view - which the OP asked for

Edited
Show quote history

Would it also be unimaginable to dump your child at a party without informing the host or leaving a contact number, not even bringing a card and then picking up child late and then complaining, not apologising?

If the parents continue to do things like that, those children won't be invited to parties in the future.

DingDongAlong · 01/03/2025 14:54

And hats off to you for entertaining the ADHD kid with good grace. I'm sure the mum would have really appreciated it, especially if she's a lone parent.

Original poster
itsmeits · 01/03/2025 14:55

Annella · 01/03/2025 14:32

If you’re so concerned about allergies then why did you give them the cupcake?

I get the frustration. We’ve all had no-shows and it’s cost us time and money. Would I not give a kid a lunch box at a party? No, because that would make me an even bigger *** than the parent who hasn’t RSVP’d.

Edited

Because I secretly wanted them to die while I waited for there selfish parents to turn up and collect them.
I know should have rang SS or 999 with it being Sunday instead of try to kill them so they wouldn't be a burden anymore.

All above is sarcastic I didn't intend to starve or kill any child.

I gave them, them as they were the all free from (disgusting personal opinion) ones I got for the kids that needed them!

OP posts:
BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 14:58

"but everyone is busy and there are several parties every weekend so it’s easy to miss something."

Soooooo tired of these trite and self-serving bullshit excuses from parents. Everyone is busy, including the OP.

People who can't manage their time and admin to properly communicate should keep their kids at home, not expect others to pick up their slack and bear the burden of their negligence. Adult up.

Nonrienderien · 01/03/2025 14:58

I dont wish to derail the thread but my thoughts in general came to mind.

Birthday celebrations are a part of life. Sadly in many cases people end up making a rod for their own backs. It's often about keeping up with the Joneses or trying to make everything bigger & better. It's not necessary.

Grammarnut · 01/03/2025 14:59

You are not being unreasonable but I would've made up 2 or 3 extra boxes 'just in case'. Tea for DC next day if not needed.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/03/2025 15:00

Exactly, @SouthLondonMum22

The pious snark toward someone who set very reasonable boundaries is absurd.

Bamboozledbylife · 01/03/2025 15:02

itsmeits · 26/02/2025 21:12

@Crankyaboutfood I would have if I'd seen them. It's a local hot-spot for bday parties - the kids know where they are going. Mums didn't stop, didn't say hi, kids basically appeared via the door into sports hall
One mum (she picked up both late) tried to complain, while im carpark, I just said 'party finished over 20 mins ago now I'm running late' and walked off.

Cf. Didn't rsvp, dropped late, didn't show a face and then tried to complain after being late to collect. Nah. What a cheeky twat. Thankfully mine like smaller parties...

Waterballoons · 01/03/2025 15:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/03/2025 14:53

Would it also be unimaginable to dump your child at a party without informing the host or leaving a contact number, not even bringing a card and then picking up child late and then complaining, not apologising?

If the parents continue to do things like that, those children won't be invited to parties in the future.

Show quote history

Oh totally. There are social rules with regards to parties. Clearly turning up on time and collecting on time is a key one, as is thanking the host and bringing an acceptable present and card is very clearly one. They sound awful. I wouldn’t have them to my child’s party. I also don’t do drop off parties but you have to then provide food and drinks for the guests’ parents.

Stirabout · 01/03/2025 15:18

YANBU
Id also like to say how lovely it is that you invited two kids that just happened to be at the laser quest to join the party.
How absolutely lovely of you 💐

RawBloomers · 01/03/2025 15:29

itsmeits · 01/03/2025 12:16

Thank you in my house that would be a ham butty with mayo and cucumber, on white or brown bread.
This can be given to Halal children, a child with an egg allergy or one that is gluten free. Not to mention I'd also put dairy on it with the butter.
If it was done with cheese the butter/bread could still be an issue.

Show quote history

You can't give a ham butty to a halal child!

But otherwise, I'm totally on your side OP. Parents dropping kids without RSVPing are in the wrong here.

Soontobe60 · 01/03/2025 15:31

BettyBardMacDonald · 28/02/2025 23:02

"So the OP could still have provided generic food that everyone could eat. When we do parties at school we ensure all the party food is suitable for all the children. It’s not hard FFS!"

But, why???

When I entertain, I don't make provisions for mysterious rando people who might barge in?

Why the hell is the onus on the host to guess about generic accommodation for people who can't be bothered to communicate?

It's laughable.

No, it’s a kids party not Come Dine With Me 🤣

Original poster
itsmeits · 01/03/2025 15:34

Stirabout · 01/03/2025 15:18

YANBU
Id also like to say how lovely it is that you invited two kids that just happened to be at the laser quest to join the party.
How absolutely lovely of you 💐

The mum and I are still friends.
Why not saved her money and i didn't lose what I paid. Plus they were fed for free too 😊
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
itsmeits · 01/03/2025 15:40

RawBloomers · 01/03/2025 15:29

You can't give a ham butty to a halal child!

But otherwise, I'm totally on your side OP. Parents dropping kids without RSVPing are in the wrong here.

Show quote history

I know to late to change typo on it.
I wouldn't like I wouldn't give mayo to a child with egg allergy, or have nuts next to my DN.
Thank you

OP posts:
CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2025 16:17

dont wish to derail the thread but my thoughts in general came to mind.
Birthday celebrations are a part of life. Sadly in many cases people end up making a rod for their own backs. It's often about keeping up with the Joneses or trying to make everything bigger & better. It's not necessary.

What’s this got to do with good manners and being respectful of the person who’s invited your child to a party?

Nonrienderien · 01/03/2025 16:47

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/03/2025 16:17

dont wish to derail the thread but my thoughts in general came to mind.
Birthday celebrations are a part of life. Sadly in many cases people end up making a rod for their own backs. It's often about keeping up with the Joneses or trying to make everything bigger & better. It's not necessary.

What’s this got to do with good manners and being respectful of the person who’s invited your child to a party?

Exactly why I generalised my post & said I don't wish to derail the thread. There is nothing wrong with giving views on the state of birthday celebrations nowadays,all of which add to the OPs dilemma

DreamyRedNewt · 01/03/2025 16:57

Comedycook · 26/02/2025 21:28

Good for you but I'd have brought along a little extra food anticipating this. The parents deserve it but the kids don't.

This

The spares could be standard. A parent with a child with allergies would 100% let you know beforehand.

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