Old friend came to see me

[Creek2025]

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

Hi x, just to let you know, can't come out to play tomorrow because we're working/have appointments/are washing our hair.

when we have said we are working she is then saying what time do you finish what shall we do.

it’s so nice she has come but 2 weeks it’s just to much as we feel bad she is on her own.

Can’t see you tomorrow what with work, the dog and a couple of appointments. But with all that time to yourself I would check out that museum, such and such gallery and that lovely pizza place we were talking about.

washing hair

to be totally upfront OP it’s really kind what you’re doing but the fact she’s on her own is not really your problem

"Bit busy with this and that the next couple of days, but see you on Saturday!"

Yes i'm not really seeing the problem here. Tell her your busy (nicely).

Or point her off in the direction of an overnight stay/short break for her to explore.

Ignore it, You aren't "on" all the time to be asked questions by other people.

You should've nipped this in the bud before she booked - unless she literally turned up on your doorstep unannounced. You are just going to have to be firm with her. There's no other way round it.

I know I put my post above OP but I do sympathise- I’m a people pleaser - and I’d find this kind of thing difficult

You would think people would have the sense to see this without being told, wouldn’t you?

In a word - yes!

Didn't you discuss this with her when she 'invited herself' for two weeks? Did she tell you she'd booked two weeks in your country specifically to visit you, or did she tell you she'd booked a holiday and that it would be great to see you while she was in the country?

Even if I was actually staying in a friend's house, I wouldn't expect them to be entertaining me me or catering for me every night. I'd probably suggest that I treated them to a couple of meals out and maybe asked if they fancied showing me around at the weekend, but otherwise I'd assume I'd be doing my own thing and take myself off to see sights, eat out etc alone.

I detest people that invite themselves over, two weeks is ridiculous.Give yourselves time off with any excuse you like as you didn't invite her in the first place.
Don't worry about offending her as these types of people never think of anyone else.

You don’t need to give any reason. Just say sorry we can’t do Thursday and Friday this week but let’s plan something nice for Saturday.

She can fend for herself for a day or two. You're not her personal tour guides. If she comes back asking when you're done with work, I'd say it will be late and you'll be needing to just get to sleep as soon as possible, anyway, so it's best if she makes her own plans for the night.

As for the money issue, I'd suggest something that doesn't cost much to do. If she won't take a hint and counters with more expensive options, I'd tell her honestly that money is tight at the moment or that you're trying to save for your own holiday. You've already spent money and time trying to show her a good time, but she's an adult and should understand that there are limits!

Who is putting this expectation on you that you see her daily because she’s ’on her own’? I suspect it’s largely self-generated. Either way, you have to decide whether it’s more important for her to have to amuse herself for a few days, or for you to simmer with resentment while seeing her.

I think where you’ve gone wrong (but hindsight is a wonderful thing!) was not saying anything, or putting in any boundaries when she first told she was coming.
”It will be lovely to see you, can’t wait! Just a heads up that we already have plans/appointments on x, x, x and x date, but otherwise will be great to spend some time together.”

Im in a friendship group of three, two of us live in a city and one lives a couple of hours away,
more rural, but every few months (3 or 4 times a year) he comes to the city with work for 2-3 weeks at a time. His work pay for a hotel. But he always gives us the dates as soon as he knows, and me and my other city friend look at his dates and tell him when we are free/busy, and make some plans from there. The days we are busy, he knows he has to chill/entertain himself.

I think now just be firm about what days you can/can’t do, and suggest some nice activities/restaurants in tne area she can do by herself when you’re busy.

All it needs is a friendly conversation🤷‍♀️ You have commitments you can’t change, but happy to recommend some good places to see/eat/go for a walk/explore, and then firm up the times you can meet up. This is at least the starting point before anyone gets all huffy. Hopefully things will work out ok, and then your friend can reciprocate when you go visit her?

Get her to go on a tour for a few days!

This is the downside of living where friends want to holiday — they don’t get that your life isn’t one long holiday. Our ndn had trouble when SIL and family arrived on a visit — surely she was keeping her children off school as they were there to see them, take them to the beach etc… Didn’t go well when she insisted it was a school day, off they went to the school bus.
Can you arrange something for say Friday evening or Saturday — we’d love to show you X, see you about 11 Saturday morning?

No one really expects people to be free to host them like this. She's not even staying with you so why do you think the expectation is all on you to cater and guide her for her holiday? Just say what you're commitments are and when you're available to meet. Unless she's incredibly dense she'll understand that. Politeness doesn't even come into it. Just be clear and communicate the situation. She didn't invite herself over either if she's not staying with you. She's come to visit where you live and enjoys seeing you like you enjoy seeing her. There's no need to add this layer of politeness and pussyfooting onto it if you're friends.

Did you tell her you would be working when she booked her flight?
In a way it's worse that she booked her own accommodation because she is truly on her own if you aren't spending concerted time with her.

Can you point her in the direction of some really long day trips so it would be too late to meet up by the time she got back?

Or meet her but yawn a lot and insist on eating somewhere very cheap and say it's a lot going out every night.

This is bonkers. No one seriously expects to rock up and be entertained for two weeks. Text her now and say you're busy until Sunday but you'll see her for dinner before she leaves on Monday.

the friend she is constantly messaging seeing what the plans are etc at the weekend we don’t mind doing anything when we are off and usually there are social things on every weekend anyway but every day around work and other daily routines it’s quite hard plus the added cost of her wanting to eat out every day which is given her being away I totally get that but just not for us as we aren’t on holiday

Yes we did say we would be working but she was adamant she was coming on the dates that she had chosen. That’s the problem feel terrible as she is totally on her own.