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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old friend came to see me

125 replies

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 17:02

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

OP posts:
Original poster
Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 19:30

I have just responded back to the odd enquiry when people have asked a question like why do I feel like I have to see her every day the reason being she is asking me every day though out the day. I’m not asking for pity at all I was just asking for genuine advise if anyone else had been in this situation themselves as don’t want to offend her.

Ive had some great, genuine advise which I will be using tomorrow.

OP posts:
katepilar · 26/02/2025 19:30

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 17:58

Yes we did say we would be working but she was adamant she was coming on the dates that she had chosen. That’s the problem feel terrible as she is totally on her own.

What is the problem with her bein on her own??
The plans are that we are working and going on with our day-to-day life during the week and can plan something together on Saurday and/or Sunday.

newyearsresolurion · 26/02/2025 19:31

This ´friend' didn't even bother to see you when you visited your home. PP have given you ideas of how to tell her to F...off politely. She's obviously using you for her holiday entertainment. Get the advice,be firm and put some boundaries in place. Sorry but you sound like a people's pleaser.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/02/2025 20:37

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 19:13

I have only just asked for advise today I haven’t seen her since I wrote this post a couple of hours ago no need to be rude I’m asking for advise I thought this was a friendly forum

You posted on the AIBU part of the boards.
You're not getting rude answers, you are getting suggestions for being direct with her. If you wanted more gentle responses, you may want to post your thread in the Chat section instead.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/02/2025 20:39

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 19:30

I have just responded back to the odd enquiry when people have asked a question like why do I feel like I have to see her every day the reason being she is asking me every day though out the day. I’m not asking for pity at all I was just asking for genuine advise if anyone else had been in this situation themselves as don’t want to offend her.

Ive had some great, genuine advise which I will be using tomorrow.

Edited

She might be asking to see you every day but you don't have to actually see her every day.
She told you when she was planning on visiting your area, you told her that you would be busy and she still came and you're trying to squeeze her in every time you have a second to yourself.

It's not rude to point that out. It is rude of her to expect that you would be available to her when she wasn't available to you when you visited your home recently.

Match the levels of expectation with what you got from her when you went home recently - nothing rude in that.

Stop spending your money to take her out - she wants to spend time with you? She pays! Again, not rude.

TheseCalmSeas · 26/02/2025 20:42

What a palaver. Just because she messages it doesn’t mean you need to reply.

or just say

’Hey friend, how’s your day going? We’re going to have a quiet night in tonight & get an early night. Catch up later in the week! x’

AiryFairyLights · 27/02/2025 02:58

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 17:02

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

So sorry, we've both done down with this awful sickness and diarrhea bug doing the rounds 🤢🤢🤢

Gogogo12345 · 27/02/2025 03:07

ItGhoul · 26/02/2025 17:27

Didn't you discuss this with her when she 'invited herself' for two weeks? Did she tell you she'd booked two weeks in your country specifically to visit you, or did she tell you she'd booked a holiday and that it would be great to see you while she was in the country?

Even if I was actually staying in a friend's house, I wouldn't expect them to be entertaining me me or catering for me every night. I'd probably suggest that I treated them to a couple of meals out and maybe asked if they fancied showing me around at the weekend, but otherwise I'd assume I'd be doing my own thing and take myself off to see sights, eat out etc alone.

This. I've often stayed with friends abroad. But I'm out and about much of the time although do spend some time with them also. My friend actually said once( when they were going through a difficult time) and I offered to stay in hostel that it was no problem me being there as I didn't cause them extra work. I occasionally babysat for them as well do they could have a night out alone

Justsayit123 · 27/02/2025 06:42

She seems to be a user rather than a genuine friend.

onwardsup4 · 27/02/2025 07:06

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 18:00

Well that’s another thing when we have been to visit back to our home she didn’t make any effort to see us.

Well you need to stop feeling "terrible" that she's on her own then. No one made her visit, just say we're busy for a few days should see you at the weekend

TorroFerney · 27/02/2025 07:30

HamSpray · 26/02/2025 17:38

Who is putting this expectation on you that you see her daily because she’s ’on her own’? I suspect it’s largely self-generated. Either way, you have to decide whether it’s more important for her to have to amuse herself for a few days, or for you to simmer with resentment while seeing her.

Exactly, op you use the word “feel” a lot. But feelings aren’t facts, you are partly doing this stuff with her so you don’t have to face these uncomfortable feelings, that’s on you. Sit with the feelings they won’t harm you.

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 07:37

TorroFerney · 27/02/2025 07:30

Exactly, op you use the word “feel” a lot. But feelings aren’t facts, you are partly doing this stuff with her so you don’t have to face these uncomfortable feelings, that’s on you. Sit with the feelings they won’t harm you.

Show quote history

If I had learned earlier that it is possible to just sit with uncomfortable feelings, my life would have been immeasurably improved! But yes, absolutely this — the OP is doing the classic people-pleaser thing, doing stuff she doesn’t want to because she is choosing simmering resentment to dealing with the consequences of honest communication.

Letstheriveranswer · 27/02/2025 07:37

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 19:03

The best bit is I saw her all afternoon as I finished work earlier then within an hour of leaving she was asking what I was doing later. Definately will be firm tomorrow.

She sounds like she can't entertain herself for a minute. Didn't she bring a book or a tablet to watch Netflix or something?

Presumably she is on her own when she's at home too, how does she entertain herself then?

Sparkletastic · 27/02/2025 07:44

I'd text something like

'Really busy next few days but happy to meet up for Sunday lunch. Shall I book a table at xyx for 1pm?'

cinnamonda · 27/02/2025 07:45

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 18:00

Well that’s another thing when we have been to visit back to our home she didn’t make any effort to see us.

There is your answer! Wake up OP.

Wigtopia · 27/02/2025 07:55

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 18:57

She keeps messaging every day asking what the plans are and what time we finish work

I have a number of friends in other countries and so have been both the person visiting someone else’s country and the also been in your position. For me, best way to deal with this is to avoid vagueness. Is it possible she is messaging every day as you have not been clear about when you CAN meet? I would send a message something like:

hi friend have just had a chance to look at my diary/calendar and I can be available to meet on X at Y for (dinner/picnic/museum etc) this way you are being clear about when you can meet, what you want to do (based on your budget) and once she knows your availability she can also then plan her own activities. I imagine she is messaging so much because she is also trying to plan her own stuff.

TorroFerney · 27/02/2025 08:44

HamSpray · 27/02/2025 07:37

If I had learned earlier that it is possible to just sit with uncomfortable feelings, my life would have been immeasurably improved! But yes, absolutely this — the OP is doing the classic people-pleaser thing, doing stuff she doesn’t want to because she is choosing simmering resentment to dealing with the consequences of honest communication.

Show quote history

Exactly this. The lengths we will go to in order to avoid our feelings!

I think it’s Philippa Perry - between resentment and guilt choose guilt every time.

Goldengirl123 · 27/02/2025 09:44

It’s just a short time really. Can’t you just put up with it for the sake of your friendship?

Caroparo52 · 27/02/2025 12:10

Dear friend
We're busy today. Can meet up on friday at 4.00pm to join us for walking the dog. Here's a list of the suggestions we discussed of things to do.... hope you enjoy the sunshine see you then

Sweetpickle101 · 27/02/2025 12:13

I don’t understand why people don’t nip this in the bud before it becomes awkward.

”Oh how lovely you’re visiting the area for a couple of weeks, we’d love to meet up with you a few times whilst you’re here. Unfortunately unable to meet daily as we’re still working etc - see you soon!”

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2025 12:15

For God's sake who lands themselves on people like that. They wouldn't see much of me with my work hours. Only at the weekend.

BMW6 · 27/02/2025 12:23

She's totally taking the piss out of you - tell her you're finding her constant requests annoying as she invited herself over and you've told her repeatedly how busy you are! She sees you as easy pushovers.

Honestly is she doesn't pack it in I'd be telling her to F off. Friends don't treat friends like she's doing.

Judecb · 27/02/2025 17:49

Just be honest. Tell her you want to see her, but that you simply can't do it every day.

Lilywc · 27/02/2025 18:02

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 17:02

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

Give her a map & directions & give her advice on where yo go on her own as you gave a lot of work to do, when I visited my sister in Florida we didn’t go out every day & I understood
won’t do her any harm x

Devianinc · 27/02/2025 18:22

Creek2025 · 26/02/2025 17:02

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

I don’t put up with stuff anymore. Just tell her have obligations and can’t stop them everyday but you’ll see her when you can. It’s not up to her. And don’t feel bad. Who shows up to someone’s house for 2 weeks and expects to be entertained the whole time. Let her investigate her surroundings and suggest things she can do without you.