Old friend came to see me

[Creek2025]

So me and my partner moved away to another country an old friend invited herself over for 2 weeks although not staying with us we feel as though we have to see our friend everyday as they are on their own.

the thing is we have work and our normal routine and dog routine we are trying to accommodate as much as we can offering to make food and showing her around the place but it’s becoming a bit hard, tiring and very expensive as we can’t afford to be eating out all of the time and doing things every single day and night around work as aren’t on holiday we live here. Although so nice to see her.

how do you politely say we need a day off we don’t want to appear rude like we don’t want to spend time with her but she just booked the dates that suited her and for that period of time.

Help

I think you just need to be honest and tell her what you’ve said here!
Just a little message to say that you love that she’s come to visit and if you’ve known you’d have planned time off and suggested different places to visit but you’re both working and quite busy. Sadly you can’t commit to every night so why don’t we do this …. (Plan an activity here) on Saturday. I can suggest some places that are quite nice to see if you want and can try catch up with you on Friday after work, you’re welcome to pop over here after dinner.

If it’s all too much and too expensive then the easiest thing to do is be honest with her.

Well that’s another thing when we have been to visit back to our home she didn’t make any effort to see us.

Well she was confident enough to travel alone (I know that's nothing new for most but still), so I reckon she's well able to look after and entertain herself too.

I have a kind of similar issue as I live in a big historic city that's a magnet for tourists, but to me it's just where I live IYSWIM! I have lots of relatives (friends are here thankfully) who always want to "see me" when they decide to visit, hinting hugely that I should host them also.

I don't. That might seem harsh and cold, but too many years of being used for free accommodation and food because, well we're FAMILY, has changed my outlook now.

No more I'm afraid. If there are any overtures I say something like "oh that's great, we will meet for lunch/coffee whatever. What day?" I don't invite them for dinner either as once they hit the wine bottle it's usually spare room time and then another flipping day with them!

I think the message is getting through now. It's not easy to say no, but honestly I was sick of it. I must add that I NEVER, EVER stay with ANYONE when I'm away. EVER..... I know what it's like and anyway I always worry about what time to go to bed, what time to get up, is the shower free, who am I disturbing, dribbling on the pillows etc. LOL. 😊

OP, it's no good just repeating to us why it's a problem for you to see her every day and keep eating out every night etc. You need to tell your friend all this. There is no magical advice anyone can give you that is just going to make this go away.

You have two options:

1. Tell her.
2. Put up with it.

It is literally that simple. Pick one.

Given your update you can feel no guilt in stepping back. If your feeling generous you can invite her for simple dinner at home and TV a couple of evenings. Tell her you have spent your going out budget.

Well that's easy then, surely, if she texts to ask what the plans are, say you're plans are to catch up on some work and appointments (or whatever) so you'll see her on Saturday. Hope she enjoys some downtime/sightseeing (or whatever). It's really not that hard to reply with something reasonable rather than "Tonight we'll take you ice-skating and go to another nice restaurant." Just be light yet clear and don't get into any pressured situation. Sounds like you aren't that keen on her anyway, with the miffedness about her not seeing you back home, so no need to be so extra sensitive to her feelings. She'll be fine.

Yes we are totally on the same page. We are the same in a popular tourist spot and have people stay with us and each time the duration getting longer.

as much as I love seeing my friends and a weekend is okay as usual social things on but to be in each others pockets is hard, a couple of days max but I am self employed and I don’t think people understand just because we live away doesn’t mean we don’t work and live normal lives like back where we are from and can’t keep taking time off to accommodate people.

aside from the cost as eating out isn’t cheap and friends family are wanting to eat out every meal which I totally get and seeing every single thing that they can which generally again is at our expense fuel in car paying to go places.

I think we will have to say something if they don’t get the hints in the next few days. The problem we have also is she will say she going to chill then we get a message 30 minutes later asking what we doing.

Hi Jen, quiet night in for us tonight, if you want to come while we walk the dog, you are welcome at 7pm. Pete and I both have some work to catch up on after that. If you fancy eating with us on Thursday, why don't you bring something simple round to cook at ours.. it would be more relaxed than going out. We can cook brunch for you on Saturday before we go out to XXX woods to give the dog a long run out. What else do you have planned for the coming days .. happy to advise on outings, tickets etc. Sunday we usually catch up on housework but you are welcome to pop round at 7pm for a late evening snack.

Then there’s really no need to feel the slightest bit guilty. Spell it out firmly “as you know we’re working Monday-Friday and we’ll be too exhausted to go out in the evenings, we just need that time to chill at home by ourselves. Happy to go to X on Saturday afternoon though”.

Whatever kind of pleading/guilt tripping she does, just stick to “sorry we just can’t do evenings after work, but like I said we can go out with you on Saturday” repeat as necessary until the message is received.

As suggested just say you have a busy couple of days ahead, but you will see her Saturday , meantime can recommend some nice places to see, and how to get there.

I love travelling on my own and sometimes have difficulty explaining that to people, they think I will be offended if I end up doing my own thing. Is it possible she thinks she needs to seem keen to see you all the time so as not to offend?

Is there a reason she's not staying with you?

@Creek2025 Perfect! 👆 Very similar to what I was going to suggest OP. You need to take control of the situation by telling your friend what you're planning on doing ahead of her asking you - and making it clear that will sometimes be routine life stuff, nothing special, she has a choice whether or not to join you. Be assertive OP! 😊

Masterclass! Pitch perfect

What a load of nonsense.. no one just 'invites themselves' to spend a holiday in your location where they see you everyday, it has come about because of whatever your response to her idea was, you obviously weren't very clear about what your expectations were and she thought it would be a holiday where she got to see quite a bit of you.

The time to handle it was when they said they wanted to come to your location for a holiday, you could have said that would be great to see you, we'll be working etc so we won't have much time but we can see you on x,y,z days or meet up at the weekends.. instead you've let her come and now you don't even want to spend time with her.. it's two weeks out of your life, if you really felt that strongly about it you would have made it clear from the beginning that you didn't want to actually spend much time with her and saved everyone the awkwardness.

She has no choice to eat out, she's on holiday, if you don't want to eat out with her why don't you invite her round to yours instead? or make plans with her on Tuesday to see her on Thursday/Friday etc, what's the point just letting her keep messaging you when you have no intention of meeting up with her?

How incredibly awkward you are being to a so-called friend!

And if she insists on joining you for hoisework... dear god no, don't be silly, there is no way you would want us round your house watching you clean the loo.. can you imagine!!

We did actually make it very clear and said we have work and our routine etc and she said that’s fine but it is a different story now she is here

This sort of thing could well work but may still invite her pushing back a bit and turning up and out staying her welcome.

You could also try something more direct like:
Jen, we're working all day and can't keep up with going out every evening (also can't afford to eat out every night!). We're free again on Friday evening and for Saturday and Sunday [or whatever time you do want to spend with her]. Suggest we try [some local treat that most tourists don't know about] on the Friday and [whatever great tourist thing would be good] on Saturday. Or anything else you'd really like to do with us!

I suggest this because it sounds like you have difficulty being direct and I think it will probably be easier in a message than insisting she has to leave after she's come over to walk the dog and is hanging out too late. But I do think you need to be prepared to be direct since she isn't taking your hints.

She is here for two weeks and asked where is best to stay near to us and we didn’t actually offer to be honest our place isn’t big enough for someone to stay that amount of time I also do some work at home

Just be honest with the friend.

Hey friend, I want you to know how much we absolutely love having you here – your visits mean the world to us, and we cherish every moment we get to spend together. ❤️

I wanted to share something that's been on my mind, and I'm only bringing it up because I care about our friendship and want to be completely honest with you. With our current work schedule and budget, we're finding it a bit challenging to keep up with eating out and activities every day, even though we wish we could! It's not about not wanting to spend time with you – it's quite the opposite.

Would you be open to planning some special get-togethers with relaxed days in between? We'd love to have you over to our place for some home-cooked meals and quality time together. Sometimes the most memorable moments happen right at home, sharing stories over a cup of coffee or cooking together!

I've been hesitant to bring this up because you're so important to us, and the last thing we want is for you to feel any less welcomed or valued. You're family to us, and that's exactly why I wanted to have this open conversation.

Looking forward to making more wonderful memories together, just in a way that works for everyone. What do you think?

You must tell her that you must work or go errands. Or that you go to bed early.

Give her a list of things to do / audio tours (Rick Steve’s) and places to eat.

Tell her exact times u are home etc.

I tell people in advance when I work, and that I don’t take days off work for visitors (except for my mother!)
Tell them things to do
where to buy things
Citymapper app & public transport
Time out app etc
where to eat & where to buy bottles of wine.

So next time she messages asking what the plan is, say:

"As I said when you booked to holiday here, we have work and our everyday routines to attend to but we're free to meet up on X day so see you then!

And then repeat as necessary. She's being a cheeky fucker.

You’re being total doormats I’m afraid. She didn’t bother to see you when you visited, is that right?

There are times in life when you have to do or say something in order to advocate for yourself and your life. This is one of those times and is part of being an adult.

You can do it. Put down some boundaries.

It's way too much she expects you to see her everyday even though you're working and exhausted. Too full on. She must lack awareness. I'd make an excuse.

Thank you this is great setting boundaries being firm but also nice about it

Not your problem. you have nothing to feel terrible about.

She s behaving selfishly and being entitled, expecting you to drop everything and cater to her needs. She will carry on doing this as long as you allow her to.