DH treating early miscarriage as any other period

[Breezydays1]

AIBU to be upset over this? Received a positive pregnancy test a few days ago (a week late for af) but have started bleeding very heavily today and lots of cramps. Told DH who said, oh so you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since. AIBU to be really upset by this?

That's so sad. I'm sorry he's been so unsupportive.

Sorry. That is so sad.

I say this as someone whose had an early miscarriage and didn't find it upsetting.

Tell him no you can't help him carry gates as you are bleeding from the miscarriage and then seriously consider if you want to have a child with this man. He sounds insensitive and dismissive.

A positive test a week ago would have made OP 4-5 weeks ? Thats not ‘just a late period’ that’s an early pregnancy loss. Your comment is insensitive and dismissive.

@Breezydays1

What have I read 😢 but I know how farmers can be having a brother in law who only sees the farm work and that’s it

I'm sorry

Sadly this is the downside to the early testing kits. People are realising how common early losses are.
It's no less painful though and I'm sorry he doesn't seem to understand that.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP - you must be feeling all sorts of different emotions right now. Your husband is being a pillock. Tell him you won't be helping until you feel able to - an early loss is still very much a loss and he should be making sure you're ok as possible. It's not just a late period at all.

Hugs. Try and get some rest your feelings are perfectly valid x

I've had early losses and experienced insensitive reactions. He might see things differently to you about what those two lines meant, but he could empathise with you about your loss. For me, as soon as those lines appeared, I started thinking about the future and planning. So it definitely didn't just feel like a period. Take your time to grieve.

I don’t think men experience early miscarriages in the same way. At least mine didn’t. But in all other ways he’s a supportive partner.

Sounds like you need to have a good chat with him about how you’re feeling. Could you also lean on your female family members?

It’s a chemical pregnancy if you are at only 5 wks , so in truth it is very easy to just think of it as a heavy period , you don’t need to ring your GP as really there’s nothing to be done…l.however I know psychologically it can be a whole different set of emotions .you can’t expect your OH to necessarily understand this but I hope he can if you explain your emotions further to him.

That's sad OP. I'm sorry for your loss.

I must say though men are useless at understanding positive test + heavy bleeding = MC. You'd literally have to say the words 'I'm having a MC' for him to get it.

Some women don’t either.

OP talk to him. People approach these things differently so tell him how you’re feeling and help him support you as you need.

I’m sorry, that’s rubbish for you. I think, sometimes, with such an emotive subject, it’s hard to accept that other people maybe don’t feel the same way as we do, or that they don’t react the same way as we might. Sometimes they just need it spelling out, what you may need from them. Be open with him about the way you’re feeling and the support you need. He may still not feel the same way as you do about it, but he really ought to try and understand and treat you kindly.

I'm sorry for your loss. He doesn't understand what the loss is? No, its not just a heavy/ late period. Your hormones are all over the place, so be kind to yourself. Speak to him, explain how you feel and that you need some support.

I'm really sorry OP💐I've had an early miscarriage too and I'd have been even more gutted if my DH reacted like this.

If you can, I'd spell out exactly how you're feeling. It's not just the physical side of what's happened, it's the loss of what you thought the next few months etc would look like. Hopefully he can understand that.

She’s having an early miscarriage not a ‘late period’, however people manage their emotions and deal with this doesn’t change the fact that saying it’s ’just a late period’ is factually incorrect.

So sorry to hear this. My DP reacted similarly when I had an early MC - he was so matter of fact about it while I was devastated. It was his way of dealing with it.

I got pregnant again 6 months later and fortunately it was successful. Despite my DP’s reaction over my MC he’s an amazing dad.

It was hard as I felt like I had to deal with the MC on my own but I’m glad I didn’t reevaluate having a child with him.

My DH was similar when it happened to me OP. Luckily I didn't find the whole thing too upsetting myself, but I ended up at the EPU to get checked out and they gave me a leaflet on miscarriage and DH was very much like "They shouldn't call this a miscarriage, that could make you feel it was much bigger than it was and upset you etc etc"

Maybe your DH is similar and is trying to downplay it as it was so early? Not helpful though.

I’m not sure he did anything wrong really. I had a lot of these pregnancies that didn’t amount to anything but I didn’t class them as miscarriages either. I did just treat them as a late period and cracked on. I can see why he might have thought it wasn’t a big deal but he certainly should have supported you when you told him how upset you were.

I'm sorry for you loss.
People can be so insensitive - sometimes without meaning to be and also because they just don't get it.
I'll never forget my ex-MILs first comment to my ex-husband after I'd had an ERPC after a missed miscarriage discovered at my 12-week scan. Baby had passed away at about 9 weeks
She asked him why on earth I was crying all of the time because "it wasn't a real baby anyway."
Heartless piece of work.
Perhaps your husband is trying to do the whole "keep calm and carry on" thing without understanding how much you are hurting.
Can you sit him down and tell him how you're feeling?

I think you are maybe confused... a period happens when the egg is not fertillised and a miscarriage happens after a positive pregnancy test. Maybe you just didn't understand. Because otherwise you are being deliberately goady and mean.

Probably before the days of home pregnancy tests, there were possibly many late periods that were early MC's if the woman was having unprotected sex with a man.
But late periods can often be crampy even if one doesn't have sex.