DH treating early miscarriage as any other period

[Breezydays1]

AIBU to be upset over this? Received a positive pregnancy test a few days ago (a week late for af) but have started bleeding very heavily today and lots of cramps. Told DH who said, oh so you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since. AIBU to be really upset by this?

Used to be after a fortnight late you could test when I had my eldest.

But if you’re regular and know your period is 2 weeks late and then you start bleeding heavily and cramping, you can be reasonably sure that you’ve lost a pregnancy? How does it make any difference that you didn’t take a test? If you’re used to very regular periods and you’re suddenly 2 weeks late after unprotected sex - you’re probably imagining that you’re pregnant.

I’d consider taking tests in the days past ovulation, before your period is late, ‘super early’, personally.

I'm sorry, OP. I'm glad you've now spoken about it and feel a bit more comforted by him.

I had three miscarriages between 5 and 8 weeks. Every time I knew I was pregnant before I took a test anyway. And I'm glad we can test early enough to confirm them because I needed investigation and treatment, following which I had two healthy pregnancies.

As, unfortunately, this thread will have shown you, many people think that this is nothing to be upset about and can be pretty callous. I'm not sure why they think empathy and kindness needs to be rationed.

That’s a little harsh. Especially when OP said that they have spoken about it and that he is upset about it. That’s not exactly not giving a fuck.

people react to news in different ways, some women are not affected by early MC, others are affected a lot, there is no rule to how people react to sad news. OP also mentioned that he didn’t want to show her in the moment that he was upset, and the likelihood is that either he wanted to appear strong for her which you can interpret as noble, or he didn’t want to show his emotion because there is still a stigma around ‘ boys don’t cry’.

it’s ridiculous to say that she shouldn’t have children with this man, when you know nothing about him.

He should care that she's upset. How she feels should matter to him.

When you love someone, you comfort them when they're upset. Even if you're not upset.

I can't believe that actually has to be explained tbh.

Yes second this about no point ringing the GP, as someone who has had plenty of miscarriages myself there really is nothing they can do when you have a miscarriage. Only ring them once you have 3 or more as then they can refer you for further testing.
I had lots of miscarriages before 12 weeks but I had a late one at 18 weeks and that was awful

Because in many cases they won’t be 2 weeks late before the bleeding starts. Chemical pregnancies are when the pregnancy barely forms before it is lost, ie within a handful of days of missing your period. If you wait until what would be 6 weeks pregnant to test, it’s more likely to stick and therefore less emotional upset and disappointment.

I had several early miscarriages but it was before the early tests were available. Missed periods then a heavier period following. I was disappointed but definitely treated like my period had come after all. It's only when the early tests emerged I had a positive then a period ..

He's right in what he said but you are right to feel sad as it's a missed opportunity I did go on to have three normal pregnancies so don't worry. Maybe don't test so early next time to avoid the wave of emotions.

But surely a late period usually does indicate pregnancy for most women with regular cycles? So even in days before early pregnancy testing kits surely if a woman who was sexually active realised her period was late surely pregnancy would have been her first thought/worry?

Probably the same posters who are always quick on here to try to talk other women into having abortions

What do you think happens at 6 weeks (other than it being when you could take a test when you were pregnant)? Miscarriage odds decrease daily in early pregnancy, but at a pretty steady rate. Your argument would probably lend itself to saying everyone should test as late as possible, but there's nothing logical about picking 6 weeks.

Sorry, this is rubbish. By 6 weeks after your period should have started, you’d have symptoms of pregnancy. You don’t think it would be upsetting to suddenly start bleeding heavily in the meantime, just because you haven’t tested?!

I said 6 weeks pregnant, not ‘6 weeks after your period should’ve started’.

According to one study, once a pregnancy gets past 6/7 weeks and has a heartbeat, the risk of having a miscarriage drops to around 10%.

That’s from the Tommys website.

6 weeks is arbitrary but better odds than 4 weeks on the dot.

I still think it’s utterly naive to think that a woman who is regular as clockwork and has been ttc, wouldn’t assume she was pregnant if she was late. It wouldn’t make it any less upsetting to start heavily bleeding in those 2 weeks, just because she hadn’t tested.

‘Super early’ tests also give women choices with their reproductive health.

I had a missed miscarriage that we discovered at the 12 week scan and need intervention for, and then some at around 7 weeks that didn't have a heartbeat when we went for early scans. Some of those required intervention, some didn't. I worked mainly with older women and this time, and a few of them said that early tests aren't helpful, which I took as a criticism that it was my own fault I was upset for testing. They were a lovely bunch so I'm sure they didn't intend for me to receive it like this, but it wasn't a helpful comment for me at that time. I'm not criticising anyone here, just sharing how I recieved that comment at the time.

Those odds are lower because of seeing a heartbeat - it's higher if (like most women) you've not had a scan and so don't know if there is one. But anyway, as you say, it's arbitrary - which is why it seems so weird (and cruel) to me to say to women like OP that they've done something wrong by testing before 6 weeks and have brought on their own sadness. How would you feel if someone had told you that you were being really silly to have taken your own pregnancy tests at 6 weeks when you could have waited until 8 weeks when the odds of miscarriage were much lower and so you could have saved yourself so much potential upset? Why even take a pregnancy test at all - they're a very recent development in human history?

Hope all goes well for you Op.

@Breezydays1 I've just read your op again and cottoned on that you're married to a farmer in the middle of lambing season....does your normal work confer any extra risk when you are in the midst of trying for a baby ie. would you be at risk if you caught a bug and then conceived whilst the bug was still in your system? can farmers pass bugs onto their spouses?I would imagine it must be really hard if you are trying to time conception around factors like this and can understand why an early test may be important compared to those of us in non infection-exposed work. It was def remiss of your OH to ask you to carry heavy gates. Knowing how hard farming families work , I wonder if you have had conversations as to what he would expect of you once you are pregnant or have a young baby?

Op is TTC.
Her period is a week late.
She's about to get involved in lambing.

And people are suggesting she shouldn't have tested?

How bloody ridiculous. Of course she did the right thing in testing. Why would she leave it and add further stress and concerns further down the line?

I'm glad you've had another chat with your husband Op. Good luck to you both in the future.

All the comments like this prove how little some women know about fertility. If a woman has multiple early miscarriages (which you most likely won't OP) there are things she could be prescribed sustain a pregnancy - blood thinners, extra progesterone etc. If she just thinks she isn't getting pregnant, it's an entirely different protocol. Early tests help a lot of women to get the right health carem

It's so fucking paternalistic to assume women are best off just not knowing what is going on in their bodies.

No, it is not harsh. It is not his place to be an arsehole about her miscarriage. It is his place to offer at least a minimum of sympathy and acknowledgement.

It is not ridiculous, at all, to say do not have children with an insensitive, selfish arsehole who minimises a miscarriage and shows zero fucks when you are suffering. It is simply rational.

I really don’t know what you are reading, but nowhere did OP say he minimised her MC, gave zero fucks and was selfish.

This is one of those things where it's so personal to the individual woman. I had an abortion when younger and also had a miscarriage early on when TTC and did not find it emotional - I am a deeply pragmatic person and appreciated this happens, and move on. My dh and I shared this view so I did not want to be treated any different that if I had a heavy period. If you do find this really traumatic and painful, then of course it's reasonable to expect some kindness and sympathy from your partner.

Yep, she did.

"So you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since"

Denied she was pregnant, tried to force her to do heavy labour has not said a word about the bleeding. Later said HE felt disappointed. Nothing else.

OP trying to imagine that he gives a fuck and imagining he feels things based on nothing at all he has said or done is dangerous and will cause her a lot of grief in the future.

Always a huge mistake to pretend men are thinking or feelings things to make yourself feel better. He has done and said exactly what he wanted to do and say.

So, just as I said.