DH treating early miscarriage as any other period

[Breezydays1]

AIBU to be upset over this? Received a positive pregnancy test a few days ago (a week late for af) but have started bleeding very heavily today and lots of cramps. Told DH who said, oh so you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since. AIBU to be really upset by this?

I'm sorry, OP.
However, I do hope your DH is putting in plans to cope with lambing 400+ ewes with out you, when you get pregnant again...

exactly.
That not an indication of a viable pregnancy.

I’ve had two early miscarriages, 5 1/2 weeks and 6 1/2 weeks. I’m so sick of people saying you shouldn’t test early and you’d never have known and you’d just think it was a late period. A late period has never left me doubled over in pain for hours while shedding large amounts of debris along with the normal blood. People are so ignorant. Your DH is being insensitive, but probably completely unintentionally. I suspect being a farmer makes you a bit more matter of fact about these things too. Go and have a rest, and talk to him when he’s finished work to explain how you feel.

If it helps at all, I had scans for both my losses and they said that when it’s this early it’s because it just wasn’t ever viable to start with. The later scan showed an empty sac, nothing growing in it, the scan for the earlier one couldn’t see enough detail to know. I find it comforting to think there was never actual a baby growing so I didn’t lose one. It’s gutting at the time when you’ve got your hopes up, but in the long term I’ve found it helpful to think that.

Well even without testing early, if OP usually has regular periods & this was a week late & heavier/more painful than usual, it does take a genius to work out what is going on does it?

Yeah please do say this to him. Spell it out bluntly that you're a woman going through a miscarriage and it's brutal for you, and he needs to understand that. It might be that he's a very lovely man but he literally has no idea and in his mind this is like a later period. He needs to understand this better.

You are not being unreasonable but neither is your husband. I say this as someone married to a farmer who has had losses. They just don’t see or experience it the same way. You need to explain to him exactly how you feel and why you are unable to help him. If following that, he’s still being insensitive - then he might not be the man for you.

I suspect being a farmer makes you a bit more matter of fact about these things too.

You'd hope he could keep that in check though when it's his wife that it's happening to!

A man who is pretending not to understand that you are having an early miscarriage and may feel physically unwell and emotionally distressed is NOT a man you want to have children with.

He has shown you who he is.

Im sure we will think of timings etc more carefully now that the reality of it came to us both

Absolutely this. I had one too and it felt vastly different from my usually heavy periods. The cramping was off the scale and my hormones were all over the place for a couple of months. I don't know if I'm an outlier in that but the hormonal 'whiplash' alone really affected me. Plus of course thinking about the future etc.

I’m also thoroughly sick of people saying that early pregnancy tests are a bad thing. After a long time trying, and a couple of early losses, I absolutely did not want to put myself in the position of having a period start when I was out and have to try and deal with my disappointment in the middle of carrying on with daily life. I would rather deal with my disappointment in private at a time when I was prepared for it. If you don’t like early pregnancy tests then don’t use them, but it’s extremely arrogant to assume you know what’s best for other people. Mind your own business.

I’m sorry for your disappointment. I was like your husband with my own early miscarries. But would have showed more caution and care for someone else.

I am not saying you should need to but you could explicitly tell your husband how you are feeling. Both physically and emotionally.
My husband wouldn’t be very sensitive either, but he does listen when I share

I think that is unfair. I understand the op's disappointment but when we were ttc I think I'd have seen a difference between an early mc at say 10 weeks and one 7 days after a period is due. Even with a positive test.

If he is generally a great husband I don't think this should change how she sees him.

Yep this.

I had a few chemical pregnancies as they're known.

It must be disappointing for you op. I'm sorry.

It's still a pregnancy. Are you suggesting women don't regard themselves as pregnant until a live baby is born?

Just want to say my sister was4 days late a few weeks ago and done a test came back positive.
4 days later came on her period.
Done a test a week later negative.
She asked her doctors about it and got told that some women can get a positive befor there period.
Not because they are pregnant but because of the hgc levels that happen befor they are due on more likely to happen to women in peri meno.
So i tried it nothing happened.
But the same thing happened to a friend of ours.
All in our 40s by the way.

I think if you’re trying early miscarriages/ chemical pregnancies can be very upsetting. One minute your dreams have come true and the next it’s all over. I don’t think men understand it by and large. I had one practically every cycle for 7 months when I was trying for my first. It is super common and doesn’t mean that you won’t get a baby in the end.

Why do you think that he was pretending not to understand that she was having an early miscarriage? OP has clearly said in her update that he didn't know what to say in the moment.

I had the occasional week late when I was younger - definitely wasn't an early pregnancy (times without a partner) but due to stress during the previous months or my body preparing so period occurred during a holiday.
Was a lot easier when the tests were not quite as sensitive

No, it is not unfair. It is absolutely basic human decency to acknowledge her having a miscarriage as she has been both physically and mentally affected. That he is pretending not to get it is appalling. Even worse if he reallly is that selfish and uncaring.

Well he is either pretending not to know or he gives zero fucks. Either way, not a man to have children with.

Good for you. 🙄

This, to be honest OP, you lost a fertilised egg, that early on and as a farmer myself I find it hard to think of it as more than that. However everyone deals with these things in different ways and you have every right to be devastated for what might have been but it doesn't mean your DH has to feel the same.
He is however being very insensitive for not taking your feelings into account.

I had a few early miscarriages. Each time they were very much not like a period. My hormones had already started and so when they crashed from the loss, I felt awful. Headaches, sickness, low mood. Plus the pain and the bleeding. It was truly horrible.

Your husband is either stupid or a shit who doesn’t care about you.

*I also farm.

The gate comment was a bit shitty, but I feel the invention of the super early home pregnancy test has resulted in unnecessary heartache and disappointment. I would strongly suggest not testing until your period is at least a couple of weeks late, as he’s probably become desensitised to the constant cycle of hope and disappointment.