DH treating early miscarriage as any other period

[Breezydays1]

AIBU to be upset over this? Received a positive pregnancy test a few days ago (a week late for af) but have started bleeding very heavily today and lots of cramps. Told DH who said, oh so you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since. AIBU to be really upset by this?

Sorry OP.

I can completely understand your DH's reaction - it was pretty much mine to my (multiple) early miscarriages. But if you'd invested yourself in it, of course it's upsetting.

I honestly think it's a bad thing* for our mental health now we can find out we're pregnant so extremely quickly. Over 20% of pregnancies end in early miscarriages and most happen in the first 8 weeks - before women even knew they were pregnant through most of history. For women who have quite a lot of early miscarriages, I think it was kinder if we didn't know about them all.

*I do understand early detection is helpful for many reasons

That’s an awful comment and dismissive of OPs feelings.

OP - it’s a loss. Take all the time you need coming to terms with this and working through emotions. Your DH is showing no empathy and that’s not a good thing as a potential father. Don’t lift those gates - take time to rest and recover. And see the GP 🫂

That's awful!

To us, a wanted pregnancy ''IS'' a real baby.

He could’ve been nicer, but he didn’t do much wrong. A few years ago, before everyone tested so very early, it would’ve been a slightly late period and nothing more.

I don’t think ultra early pregnancy tests are always a good thing.

Wow what a nasty post, guess you dont understand how it works, she was pregnant and has had a miscarriage

Is a week after your period was due considered “early” testing?

As someone who had recurrent miscarriages which I got referred for investigations and treatment for as quickly as possible because one of them was this type of loss, and an ecoptic which was picked up at an EPU scan precisely because I also tested early on that occasion, other posters sucking their teeth and inferring that testing early is more trouble than it’s worth is a delight to read.

OP I’m sorry this has happened and that your husband hasn’t been as supportive as you needed. My DH was also a bit like this with my losses and I think he just didn’t know what to say or how to react. The ones where I required physical or practical support (after the ectopic surgery, when I was in pain, picking up the slack with parenting DD etc) he was excellent, but to be blunt he just wasn’t as emotionally invested as I was. Even with DS, who was born after 4/5 losses and a complicated and high risk pregnancy, I can see now it took him longer to bond with him compared to DD. If your DH is generally not a dickhead I would give him the benefit of the doubt but let him know that him downplaying it wasn’t the kind of support you needed at that moment.

Wow I've been jumped on. Sorry OP I'm sorry for your loss.

As a separate discussion maybe these super early tests don't actually do anyone any favours

I doubt there’s a woman in the world who hasn’t had a late period/early miscarriage. 10-20 years ago, you’d have barely noticed. This is an unintended consequence of more sophisticated pregnancy tests.

Neither do I. They do have a place in certain circumstances but on the whole, they are simply cashing in on desperate women.

He's a farmer. I assume (unless he just grows crops) he is used to seeing life come into the world? He will also be used to all kinds of loss and having to make life or death decisions fairly regularly.
I can understand why, to him a 'late period' isn't as big a deal as it is for you.
I agree with others that early pregnancy tests can do more harm than good, realistically up until relatively recently you wouldn't have known you were pregnant and would just have assumed your period was a bit late.

I’m sorry for your loss. Why do you want to see the GP?

Yes.
And she had a positive pregnancy test.
And she's upset.

Some of the comments on this… wow. I hope you’re not people I know in real life!

I've had 4 miscarriages, two were very early on and if my DH had behaved like yours I wouldn't have kept TTC.
I can't believe posters are saying it's okay for him to be a dick just because it's early. I'm so sorry for your loss but he's shown his true colours as he clearly doesn't care you are in pain and have lost your baby.
I hope you told him to fuck off when he asked you to help.
So sorry x

Many women, myself included, would see this as a late period. Having had a ‘late period’ and also a miscarriage at 10 weeks, to me there was a world of difference.
Each woman’s experience is different and none should be dismissed.

Same thing happened to me and my friends (not anymore) dismissed it and acted like I was making a big deal. It’s sad, it’s grief , you have lost the baby you were carrying - early days or not.
take your time OP. It’s really upsetting.

Sorry for the loss of your pregnancy op, your husband was very insensitive.

With all of my pregnancies I’ve tested when I was a few days late - as my periods are very regular. I didn’t ever consider this a ‘super early test’ because my period was late. When do people consider testing not ‘super early’?

That doesn't mean her partner has to match that feeling

The gates comment is insensitive. However there's no need to go to the GP for the bleeding. I've had a chemical pregnancy (2 strong lines not faint for about 2 weeks and then I bled) and it is just a late period (but more physically painful). I wouldn't compare it to a miscarriage. I know someone who had one at 12 weeks and that would be distressing. Unfortunately, chemical pregnancies are very common and loads of women will just assume that their period is slightly late as they hadn't tested early.

I’m glad they exist. Because if they didn’t I wouldn’t have known I’d had 4 early miscarriages at 6 weeks (plus one that was at 10 weeks when I didn’t know I was pregnant and I ended up in A&E for a blood transfusion) and so no investigation would have happened. (I also ended up 2 further ones, both required hospital visits).

I’m sorry your DH is being so unempathetic, OP. I’d have a chat with him before trying again.

To be fair if you literally only had a positive test a couple of days ago I don’t think your DH is going to understand what happens after and how it works for your body.
Most women would be fine to continue their normal life physically if obviously struggling emotionally.
I hardly think him asking for a bit of physical help is divorce grounds like some posters!
Just communicate you still aren’t feeling great, I don’t think it’s really fair for him to assume you can’t do anything.

From someone who comes from a long line of farmers and grew up on one and my brother is one. Farmers are very practical people. But they aren’t entirely emotionless or unable to differentiate between animals and their beloved family members with people feelings. They are capable of emotional intelligence.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. This is is no way to minimise the situation but I think it can take men some time to get their heads round pregnancy. I've had one baby and one missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and in both whilst DH was excited early on he did say it didn't fully hit home until after the first scan. So I doubt it's that your DH doesn't care about your feelings or about the pregnancy, but just you are both coming at it from different places emotionally.

My DH was hit quite hard by the miscarriage and I remember asking on here for some advice on supporting each other. I was a bit surprised when many of the replies were "he should be supporting you as it's happening to you". That just gives a flavour of some of the complicated messaging around miscarriages when it comes to men and women.

Take care and I hope you are not in too much physical discomfort either. If the bleeding seems particularly heavy, painful or anything is worrying you do speak to your GP.

Her DH showed ignorance (so you weren't pregnant then) and no sympathy or support (oh good you can help me carry these gates now).

If the pregnancy was planned then I assume her DH was happy for her (and them both), so to dismiss the miscarriage in the way he did is pretty insensitive.
And I think (especially if a couple are trying to conceive) then it's not that hard to understand the difference between a period and a very early miscarriage.

It would have been OK to ask "If you're feeling up to it, we could do some farm work together".

Thank you all for your time to get back, I was a bit of an emotional wreck last night, I had been excited at the prospect of what those 2 lines held for us. I took a test because I was heading to be 7 days late which has never happened, also wanted to be sure of our situation before lambing time. DH admitted last night that he was very disappointed himself but did not want to show it to me, he had also been pre-occupied with the prospect of lambing 400+ ewes without me (pregnant women are advised to steer clear of lambing ewes) of course we dont need to worry about that now. I was feeling physically drained yesterday with the painful heavy bleeding which is why his assumption I would happily carry gates with him upset me, I guess its all mixed emotions for him and not knowing what to do. Xxx