DH treating early miscarriage as any other period

[Breezydays1]

AIBU to be upset over this? Received a positive pregnancy test a few days ago (a week late for af) but have started bleeding very heavily today and lots of cramps. Told DH who said, oh so you weren’t pregnant then? I said yes, you saw the 2 lines! Im still bleeding and want to ring GP tomorrow. Went outside for a walk earlier to see DH who farms, and he said “oh good you can help me carry these gates now” He hasn’t said a word about the bleeding since. AIBU to be really upset by this?

He appeared a bit ignorant, didn’t force her to do anything, he asked a question. Did you read her update?

I think you’re projecting a bit. I’ll leave it at that - you clearly feel very strongly about all men being trash and have no space to see that not everyone has to react by falling to the ground and crying out in to the sky. Although I’m sure that if he did that, you’d be appalled about him making this about himself so either way he can’t win.

I have already answered you. the update said HE was disappointed and nothing else. He behaved like an absolute arsehole.

Feel free to keep minimising and projecting.

I am correct and no matter how many times you try to argue about it, I will continue to be correct.

So there is nothing more to say,

Some people's comments are so thoughtless at times like this.

While, technically, a pregnancy at that stage might be a small group of cells, what's been lost is so much more than that. It's the idea of the future that should have been, and now isn't. The second you're pregnant you start thinking about your baby, your toddler, your teen, your adult, your grandchildren, THEIR children - your mind plans your future right in front of your eyes, and to have that taken away from you is just awful, however far into the journey you were.

Good people can react poorly to things. It doesn’t make them bad, just human. I’d imagine op is best placed to know if her husband has just reacted poorly in this situation, or if she needs to pack his bags and leave him - not some random on the internet.

Were you actively choosing to get pregnant? That would be a measure on how I handle his reaction?

What's the advantage in taking tests so early?

Really? I can't say I ever thought more than theim being a baby even at 8 months gone

That’s been explained several times in this thread already.

As an aside to the posters who have shared, early tests are also useful for women who don’t want to be pregnant.

Good for you. As I’ve said upthread I’ve had 7 miscarriages, and every time what I lost was hope. Hope that I would ever be a mother, that there would ever be a successful pregnancy.

Have you ever had a miscarriage?

Yes - I spent a lot of time in the early pregnancy unit and there were clearly many women there who didn’t want to be pregnant, notably those with a bunch of young kids.

Ignore anyone saying 'it's just a chemical', as that's really just a term for an early loss.

Sorry for your loss, OP, and sorry your partner is such an insensitive tool.

In my case I took the test when I was approaching being a week late due to the fact we had lambing coming up. If it would have been negative I would happily continue to work alongside husband with the lambing. It was positive so we needed to think about other help for husband and for me to be extra careful with his clothes etc. I felt those 2 lines were our future and got really excited. Yes we were trying for a baby x

I'm so sorry OP. I would be hurt by that reaction too. I hope you're ok and I hope your husband is being more understanding now. A combination of hormones and physical discomfort can make you feel so rubbish.

I don't want to derail too much but there is a really weird "cool girl" energy on this thread about how blasé everyone is about miscarriages/not testing "early". I mean people deal with loss in different ways of course, but surely even if you are one of the stoic types you can understand why someone might think differently? Or as the person above, managed to get through a full term pregnancy without imagining being a parent beyond babyhood - surely not a surprise that some people would feel differently?!

And finally, all the people claiming that "early testing didn't used to be a thing 10/20 years ago". My eldest is 11 and first responses weren't exactly new then!

Some men can be a little blase about miscarriage. Thinking back to when I had my first miscarriage DH felt he was doing me a favour by taking DC1 to school then buggered off to work - he then arranged for his DM to come while I went off to hospital in an ambulance on my own everyone else in the epau had their partner with them.

Thank you again for all your replies, they mean alot. Been very tearful today, DH has gotten on as normal. Not sure why im posting again, I don’t have any female family members really, mum passed away a few years ago. When is the pain and bleeding likely to stop? Thank you

I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy. Sending you a virtual hug. MN can be good for this and keep posting if it makes you feel better!
in my case, it took a couple of days of painful cramping and then a couple of weeks of bleeding.
DP also didn’t say much, but now a year later he told me that his friend’s wife was MC and that he was telling him it hit him hard at the time. I had no idea, but he’s not very ‘emotional’ anyway. He does internalise a lot x

I'm so sorry for your loss. Re: the pain and bleeding issues, perhaps your G.P might be the best person to talk to about that?

I'm so sorry. Post away here if it is making you feel less alone 😢

Personally speaking (and I hope this isn't too graphic) when I had a MC at around 6 weeks I had a couple of days of stop start bleeding and some cramping, then had a big bleed with more "material" and then after that it tapered off over a couple of weeks.
From memory I think going through more than a pad in half an hour/an hour is too much and warrants medical attention?

Post as much as you want if it’s helpful, @Breezydays1. And don’t feel the need to explain anything. I can’t help with the bleeding question, but I’m sure there are lots of posters who can help. Sending virtual hugs.

I have a theory that a large group of men are disconnected from pregnancy because they are not feeling it in them. It almost doesn’t exist until they feel th baby move, see a bump or in some cases when the baby is here.

I do think he is being insensitive but at 4 weeks, it’s so so early, and I wonder if he envisions it the same way as you / if he doesn’t - tell him. I really hope he gives you the emotional support you need.

Also for other PPs a mama reaction at the beginning of pregnancy isn’t an indicator of the dad he will be. Ive heard of men that are unemotional during pregnancy but love their babies. I hear stories of men that are obsessed with the pregnancy and make toxic parents and parents.

Don’t be too hard on him - but if he is a good guy he will want to help you. And also grieve with you, because it’s a huge deal.

It was a long time ago now but maybe a few days?

Please post all you want, we’re here to listen and offer a hand hold xx