My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

This ‘blended’ family is not working

Is your stepdaughter at boarding school? And if so, is this a recent change? Could explain how she feels if so, with new siblings, new home, away from family

Yes indeed, as most don't, which is why it's a mystery that OP had not one, but two children in this two family set up.

Thanks for the clarification OP I take it back that your DH ex is manipulative it just sounds manipulative if strategies are given.

I think you are in an impossible situations at present, DH needs to include you in his decisions around your children and your inlaws should suck it up.

But you are, no matter how you want to whitewash it.

Spend some quality time with your daughter.

Or OP needs to suck it up and accept it.

No, he doesn’t need to change to suit OP, and nor does it seem like he is going to. If OP doesn’t want to accept the situation and it doesn’t work for her then she can choose to walk away from it. She can’t force her husband, his daughter or his parents into giving her what she wants.

@Dontlletmedownbruce
Has the OP said she goes away on holiday with her own DD & the 2 joint DC ?
Must have missed it.

And I think she should ( walk away )It’s not working . Not fair on her children . DH can sort out his own . Seems like that’s what he wants to do .

I think my initial reaction would be absolutely not, but looking at it properly, SD gets to spend time with the 3 year old and your DD gets time with the new baby. So it's not blatant shutting your DD out. I'd encourage it and have a special few days with the children who stay with you.

I don’t think it makes you a bad person but maybe just unrealistic?

I assume your sister also asked your daughter to be a bridesmaid and it would of looked like they were doing some sort of twin thing? I can see why she wouldn’t of been keen. How long have you been together?

@Balletbabe I think the ex has been stirring the shit with the step daughter and your "d"h!! just look forward to next easter with your three kids and he can do what he wants with the ex and the daughter. that is most likely what the ex and the daughter, and the pil want!! I dont believe that sd wants to spend time with a 3 year old half sister and a baby half sister either!

But only if her DH takes both his kids, if I read correctly he’s leaving one behind

He can’t, that baby is breastfed.

Imagine being the 13 year old who goes away to school whilst her dad lives with another woman’s 13 year old. Then he has two more kids, and she actually wants to spend time with them. That should be encouraged.

I don’t see the issue.

He wants to take his DD on holiday for a couple of days, which is fine and I would be encouraging this.

Does your DD not see her dad?

You also need to be making an effort to be spending quality time with your own DD which I assume is much easier considering she lives with you.

I think it’s a good idea. I’m not sure why you’re crying and raging over it.

I understood what you meant.

Your partner's DD doesn't spend as much time with her two younger half siblings as your DD does. She feels a bit of an outsider. She wants some time to bond with her little sister without your DD there, who she rightly or wrongly feels is at an advantage and has much more opportunity to spend time with her. Perhaps when they are all together she observes that your DD and three year old are very close and she naturally gravitates towards your DD for comfort or play because she's more familiar with her. That will be tough on your step daughter.

I think you are choosing to see this as your step daughter playing divide and conquer or being manipulative. I think she just wants to not always feel she's on the outside looking in on her own family. She's every bit a part of the whole as your DD but for reasons that are not her fault, she feels like a visitor.

I would understand you if he was leaving his 3 year old behind and just taking his eldest to see his parents. But I think it’s ok to not take his dsd with him. I understand the baby staying with you too.
If this was about a stepmum going to see her parents with just her biological children, and her sc stayed with behind their dad, I would totally be on her side.

Sometimes these sorts of arrangements are actually healthy in blended families. If you went to see your parents with your 3 year old and your baby, and your sd stayed with her dad I would say it’s a very sensible and justified decision.

I don’t see how I am backtracking; I was just addressing incorrect assumptions.

Stepdaughter has always been besotted with the younger two; it’s not a new thing.

Partner is always kind to my daughter. She admits that she initially ‘pretended’ to like his football team but is actually now a fan. However, he is completely ok with the two girls having separate families. He couldn’t care less about his daughter being included in my sister’s wedding nor is he in the least perturbed when his family don’t include my daughter. He would object if anyone was rude but no one ever has.

I just want to do normal things and not be separated from my child.

I say let them go ... but he takes the baby, too. Baby is also a half sibling to your SD and obviously he needs them to bond and spend time parenting them by himself.

Take your older daughter somewhere nice while they're away. Do something special with her.

Is the baby breastfeeding though?

Did you not see any issues like arising given your PIL were not interested in your oldest daughter?

Did you not discuss with your partner how these dynamics would work?

You sound oddly detached from the whole situation.

So this was all your husbands idea and his daughter just agreed to it but still you turn into his daughter excluding your daughter. That is really unfair on his child and you are just egging on this rift that you think exists. Why are they only excluding your daughter in your mind and not you or your youngest? His daughter sounds lovely, so does yours,, but you are crying and raging over some perceived slight that didn’t even happen. You are a much bigger issue than any of the kids.

Presumably the issue is that the driving force is not what is in the toddler’s best interest and is, instead, about a rather unhealthy obsessive desire to compete with another teenager.

Clearly it would be best to put the toddler, her baby sibling and their mother first this Easter when deciding where to be and with whom.

It’s tricky as I expect (understandably) your stepdaughter feels jealous that her dad lives with your daughter all the time when he isn’t even her ‘real’ dad. (To be clear, I understand that he has an important role as your daughter’s stepfather of course, but I just mean how it must be in her eyes)
In the same way, she probably also feels insecure that your daughter is with the ‘half’ siblings all the time, while she isn’t.
So getting time alone with them is just her way of trying to redress the balance.

Are you by any chance from very very financially different backgrounds.

Im much his side there. Nice that your sister asked but shes not his daughters family, nice if his parents give token gifts to your daughter but she is again not their family so would not be treated exactly the same as his daughter.

His daughter seems to feel the same and goes to what sounds like private boarding school so some money again back there.