My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

I think OP means negotiate time away from OP's eldest so as to 'even up' time with younger DC.

Whatever she does she’s going to have to be realistic.

Her husband pays school fees for his daughter - does her daughter go to private school? Will her younger children? Will there end up being significant financial disparity because they don’t share paternal family?

Like I said, if it was important to OP that her partner and his family not differentiate between step and biological then this was not the relationship she should have pursued or brought more children into it. That horse has bolted though, so now she would be wise to come to terms with her children not being treated the same by anyone but her.

You are the one that brought your child into this situation. You can choose to blame others for not giving you what you want, but as her parent it was your responsibility to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t going to offer what you wanted for her.

Exactly this. “Battle between daughters” “oh actually, it was my husbands idea from the start”

Aye ok

I don't think it's healthy for the adults in this situation to give space to this rivalry between the 2 13 year olds.

I think that it would be a good thing to encourage SD to bond with her siblings in a way that supports them to have a unique connection - it doesn't have to be about literal time spent together.

I think DH should have invited OP or at least asked her opinion before organising this trip - it seems a bit mean spirited and also plays into whatever nonsense the ex has going on about separating the siblings and causing competitiveness.

I say let them go ... but he takes the baby, too.

Aside from it sounding like the baby might be breastfeeding, this actually would make it more like OP's DD is being excluded. What DH wants is to split into two equal groups of a parent, a "big sibling", and a little sibling and that doesn't exclude anyone.

OP, if you have a specific issue with it being over Easter or for too many days at a stretch then that's reasonable to speak up. But it is also perfectly reasonable for your SD to want to have time with her little siblings as the only big kid just like your DD gets plenty of time as the only big kid. Maybe it won't have any big positive effect on their relationship, but it could, and at the very least it may ease some of SD's frustrations. Deliberately blocking her from having time with her little siblings as the only big sister - something she watches your DD get on a regular basis - will only make it feel like a bigger issue to her. And your older DD will also be getting time with one of her little siblings and her parent, so no one is being excluded. I have a large family with some close cousins often folded in and we deliberately take short trips and do activities with different mixes of 2-3 children. It's interesting how personalities come out differently and they try out different roles. Of course we also plan whole-family trips and have plenty of whole-family time so it's not one or the other.

SD: "I want to be treated equally"
OP: " great, so we all go"
SD: "no, that child doesn't get to come"

And your DH and his parents enable this.

Except this wasn’t the SD idea, it was the husband’s. The daughter just agreed to come along and now OP is accusing her of excluding her daughter.

Also at that point she would want equal to be a holiday with her mum, her dad and her half siblings. Definitely don’t think op would be up for that 🤣

Since ops daughter has her mum, ops husband as step dad and half siblings.

So maybe just the daughter her mum and the half siblings actually. Probably a bigger no.

It wasn't really when you put it in context. The mother and the stepdaughter complained. The pil have made it clear the daughter isn't welcome.

Useless dad then comes up with this plan, with that as the underlying reasoning behind it.

I think it sound like a good idea. The sd needs an opportunity to bond with her siblings and it sounds like she can’t do that with your oldest around or you.

What’s wrong with a mother advocating for her daughter? She is the only person in the world that will put that child first

This is also true of OP and her own 13yo, who she sees is being labelled as an
"Obstacle" by accident of birth

This, and can't believe the posters advocating that the OP tells the dh he's not allowed to visit his parents without her, or that he can't take his child out without her permission. Can you imagine the LTB if a poster said the same about a male partner!?

Does your daughter have a good relationship with your ex husband and grandparents / family on your ex’s side. How is she feeling?

But there is nothing sinister about the SD saying she doesn’t feel as close to her half-siblings and that she wishes she was. There is also nothing sinister about her mother sharing that information with the dad so that he can help her build a closer relationship with them. They are not plotting against OPs daughter or trying to manipulate anyone. It seems they are actually trying to create a less uncomfortable atmosphere, it’s OP that has come to the conclusion that it means they are excluding her daughter.

Maybe the dad jumped the gun a bit with an already made plan but I bet he wasn’t expecting to be met by OPs rage, his focus is to create harmony even if it doesn’t mean fully blended family.

It seems she does care though that she is viewed as an obstacle, in her own home, and that the step dad is taking her little sister away in order to spend time without her

This is what's troubling me. Given the obstacle comment, it's the deliberate taking away of the 3yo from her maternal 13yo sister. It's the exclusion. It's not either 13yo's fault they've landed where they have.

This is why second families are a shit show and frankly, completely selfish.

@Genevieva Clearly it would be best to put the toddler, her baby sibling and their mother first this Easter when deciding where to be and with whom.

Why should they call come first though?
There is a serious argument that the child who is “away at school” has a much limited period of time to even spend time with her father and it’s logical to give her that time during her short school holiday given the DH’s other children live with him full time.

My stepdaughter does not want my daughter present when she is there

This is absolutely terrible. I can only imagine the uproar on here if the roles were reversed.

Originally I thought OP was being unreasonable as what’s the big deal about stepdaughter spending one on one time with her younger sibling. But actually, when it’s a pattern of behaviour orchestrated to leave one child out it’s hurtful and I can see why you’re upset and I feel bad for your daughter.

The only way this is going to get better is if you and your husband are a united front.

This is why second families are a shit show and frankly, completely selfish.

I am afraid I agree with this. There are obviously ones that work but the majority seem to be at best bearable and at worst a disaster.

I mean it’s hardly that outrageous that a 13 year old would have ill feelings towards a random 13 year old girl living with her father while she is shipped off to boarding school instead. People are being really obtuse.
In the 13 year old’s mind she can literally see how she was replaced in her dad’s life by her dad’s partner’s daughter. Have a bit of empathy like.

Because little ones and new breastfeeding mothers generally do. Toddlers grow up fast. There are many years ahead when the 3 year kid’s big sister can take her out for treats etc. Rushing it for factors that are not about her best interest is wrong.

I actually think it’s really lovely that the SD loves her younger half siblings, buys them presents and reads to them, and wants to spend time with them as a teen when they are much younger than her! Not many would tbh.

Take the positives OP.

From the SD’s POV, she has had a step sister forced on her who’s living with her Dad, I doubt she had a say in it, and she’s old enough to decide whether she wants to spend time with her or not. She can’t be forced to like her nor should she be.

It is absolutely not surprising that she may feel a bit ‘competitive’ towards her. Her Mum obviously read the situation well to encourage her to get time with her Dad alone. Good call.

Similarly your ILs can’t be forced to want to treat their son’s stepdaughter in the same way as their grandchild. Again not their choice and I think polite and friendly is fair enough.

Your SD is at boarding school OP, while your DD lives with your SD’s father and her step siblings. That must be really tough! I really don’t see an issue with her wanting to spend time with them on her own and I would encourage it to make a firm bond for when they’re older.

Doesn’t your DD have any family on your ex’s side? Can she spend Easter with her Dad so you can have some peace and enjoy your new baby? It is a great shame if she hasn’t /can’t but your SD shouldn’t have to make up for that.

In what 3 years time when the daughters 16 and given up attempting to slot into her dads family.

So if you’re a stepmum on Mumsnet you’re expected to not mind your partner deciding to take your 3yo away without you for the EASTER WEEKEND.
Bloody hell. No way would I miss an Easter with my child that age, it’s such a beautiful age and they grow so fast. She’s her mum. I’d probably take my 3 and move into my mums and say we will move bakc after Easter so I don’t miss Easter with my little girl. He shouldn’t have had more children, he can move back and live with his daughter.
Mumsnet would be totally up in arms and telling her to leave the bastard if this weren’t a stepmum.