My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

DH child ( the OPs step child ) is more important though . This is mumsnet and the OP just needs to suck up whatever, from whoever , did you not know that ??? 😉
ps also first wives rule

@argyllherewecome

It seems she does care though that she is viewed as an obstacle, in her own home, and that the step dad is taking her little sister away in order to spend time without her.

How do we know this? Her Mum is saying this but she doesn’t say her daughter feels this way. Why in the world would she ever have been told by anyone that she was an “obstacle” even if that’s the language being used. Who would tell her that?

This is only an issue for her daughter if she makes it one. Her step sister and half sister spending the weekend with their grandparents and her staying home with her Mum is not at all a big deal and is not at all being “left out” unless she is being sold it as such. Otherwise there is no reason whatsoever she needs to visit people she is in no way related to when she can be at home with her mother and baby sibling. I’m sure she goes to see her own grandparents without inviting her step sister along.

His daughter is more important, and more special, to her father and her grandparents. They aren’t the same, no matter how much people want to pretend they are or think they should be.

Doesn’t mean she gets to rule the roost I’m afraid .

No it's raising them to respect the fact that they each have different needs and relationships with in the family structure.

So if the OP wants to stop this, then that means her 3 kids can't see her extended family without her SD. Because why should she be left out? how mean. That would be just awful!

Or it would respect the fact that the OP family are her bio children's extended family and their relationship shouldn't be dictated by the OP SD being there.

Just like the OP SD is entitled to time with her GPs and extended family with her sibling that doesn't have to include her step sibling.

She asked for time away with her blood relatives, what’s wrong with that? OP’s eldest probably wouldn’t even want to go!

It isn't the OP's daughter's decision but the OP and her husband put all the kids in this Venn diagram of a family so they can't really complain that there isn't really a way to make things fair between the older girls.

The OP's daughter gets to live with her two baby siblings full time and, from the sounds of it, the step-daughter never gets time with the little ones on her own without the OP's daughter there. While they can't fix the inherent unfairness in that situation, they can do the next best thing and provide opportunities for the step daughter to spend some time with her little sister. The OP's daughter will still be spending time with her other sister - can the stepdaughter not just have a tiny piece of that sibling bonding time without it being a issue?

As will OP, if she forbids their DF to take a three year old to visit his mother. Absolutely no reason why he can’t take his three year old with him.

It’s not just that though is it , she wants the OPs daughter excluded for her own benefit .

I’m with you, OP. Husband doesn’t get to “announce” anything he’s doing with your three year old without you. You are together and share a child together. You don’t share custody of a three year old and parent 50:50. If your in laws want to exclude one of your children they will have to exclude both. They don’t get to pick and choose.

I really like my step-daughter in spite of what people think. She is funny and witty and the least insecure person I have ever met. When I said she presents older than she is, was not an insult. She is mature and articulate and very bright.

my partner obviously has to have lunch with his ex to discuss their child, sort out school fees, hobbies and holidays. I actually don’t know his ex but I do not think she is manipulative I genuinely think she advocates for her child. She simply reiterated what her daughter feels re: our younger children. The Wales trip was not her idea or step-daughter’s but my partner’s. He agrees with Step-daughter and wants his kids to have a bond.

My sister invited my stepdaughter to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, I can honestly say stepdaughter looked at her as if she was a Martian and politely refused to even go to the wedding. She was 10 years old.

My partner sees her on his own all the time. Up until she went away to school he had dinner with her and occasionally our eldest child once a week. He would collect her from a class once a week and she would come to us where she has an en-suite bedroom (she has never actually lived full time in the house) a couple of times a month.

As for the younger children preferring my daughter she actually runs to my stepdaughter who, buys her presents and reads to her.

Somebody said at the beginning of the thread that I wanted her to slide into our family; well yes I do. Does that make me a bad person?

Then husband needs to take the baby as well and give the wife a proper break.

I actually think that’d be a great time to have a bonding session together. Op’s daughter has also missed on a lot of time with her mother as sharing with younger siblings. It’s all about perception. They could do something fun like London or Paris for the weekend or a theme park and go on all the adult rides.

I do think life is very different for a teen in a house with v. Young children and without. This is a chance for her mother to embrace getting some one on one time with her daughter.

You are backtracking now .

Except that her father and grandparents aren’t of the opinion that OP’s daughter is equal to her in their eyes, and aren’t inclined to act as if she is.

The person not getting to rule the roost here is OP.

This is really hard. I don’t like it and can see why you are so upset but the fact is your daughter WILL be closer to her half siblings as she lives with them. It’s a different relationship waking up together every day, etc etc. And your stepdaughter has clearly plucked up on this.

How to “blend” more broadly is going to need to be discussed but perhaps let this one go for now and enjoy the quiet Easter. I would say never again though….. what does DH think?

She doesn’t even live there how can she possibly rule the roost? It’s pretty reasonable to have some time with her father without her step mother or step mother’s children included when the time she has with her father is already so limited.

Well the DH needs to step up then , he won’t though . The set up doesn’t work , else OP wouldn’t have posted .

For all OP knows, her daughter might not even be fussed about going away with them. This is all OP's outrage, and frankly it's OTT. Of course it will feel unfair to DSD that she isn't able to have the same relationship with her DD3 half sibling because she doesn't live with her. But she's asking for four days alone time with her, not the moon on a stick.

The OP said her dd13 would love them to be a blended family, but that is not the case, they live like two separate families and that she knows she is considered an obstacle, because she lives with the shared siblings.

She’s not going to slide into your family. Your family does not operate as you want it to, and that isn’t something that is within your power to make happen.

This Easter trip isn’t creating a new unfairness, it’s an attempt to equal out the current unfairness.

The problem of SD feeling upset that she won’t get to have as close a relationship with her siblings as her step sister does is valid, and it deserves to be addressed. It’s not about the step daughter excluding OP’s daughter, it’s about giving the step daughter a tiny amount of what OP’s daughter already has.

Expect her to slide in…

To your ideal of a family. She already has her family, despite separate homes. Then two new little half siblings. She’s not a new book to slide into your bookcase. She’s a human with thoughts and feelings.