My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Whether or not OP would kick up a stink is by the by. The fact here is that DH and his ex made a decision on what is happening on a family holiday with OPs 3 yo daughter and then DH presenting it as that's whats going to happen. How come ex, who has admitted giving her DD "strategies" from day one gets to choose what happens with her ex and OPs daughter?

How many wouldn't kick up a stink?

It's not the kids fault here it's all the adults involved, how dare anyone make a decision on someone elses child when they are not part of that family situation?

The DSD and DD relationship being an issue is a red herring in this situation lots of full siblings don't get along let alone half dr step. It's the dynamics of the adults and a manipulative woman making decisions on another womans toddler while OPs DH just agrees with his ex and parents allowing everyone to make OP and her DD unwelcome and not part of their family.

They are an absolute disgrace and should grow up, DH needs to stop being lead around by the neck where his ex and parents are concerned.

By presenting this as a done deal to you, undermines you. It's not something that you and DH have come up with together. It's something his ex and DH have come up with. And you don't agree- or maybe you would, but not this timing and not to PIL?

You have stated you want a blended family and to go on holiday together. You also state it's not your DD "fault' that she spends more time with her siblings- as she lives with them- I agree. A recognition that the 13 year old respective experiences are going to be different - should be a given eg I bet DH DD has a more space at her mum's house and doesn't have to worry about small toddlers and a crying baby in year 8/9.

I'm guessing PIL haven't accepted you warmly into the family and neither have they accepted your DD. I'm guessing they likely have a strong relationship with DH ex. I'm guessing this is playing into your insecurities too. This is for DH to navigate.

You and DH need to be on the same page when blending the family. That's the issue here. If that was agreed, then the two 13 year old would know that they are both loved, respected and a part of your family.

The dd having two sets of grandparents to spend time with isn't the issue here, and possibly she doesn't care she isn't spending time with her step grandparents. It seems she does care though that she is viewed as an obstacle, in her own home, and that the step dad is taking her little sister away in order to spend time without her. It's a pretty rubbish situation for all of the dc, but it's as if the dd13 is being punished for living in the family home, when it's not her fault obviously.

But we don't know that.

No one should have the power to force a decision on a parent about their child when they are not someone in authority.

No , I’m saying that they are all a family now , because they are !!
OPS husband can still spend time on his own with his daughter from previous relationship & her sibling , but everyone still goes to his moms house at Easter time & no one should be excluded

By ‘previous family’ do you mean his daughter? She’s current, not previous, and I can’t see why him wanting to spend Easter with two of his three kids is worthy of OP’s rage and tears.

OP’s eldest presumably has her own father and two sets of grandparents doesn’t she?

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter

How on earth is this an ongoing issue?

@Pigsears You and DH need to be on the same page when blending the family. That's the issue here. If that was agreed, then the two 13 year old would know that they are both loved, respected and a part of your family..

I think that should have been done way before they added more children into the mix. It’s too late now when the two parents are now just fighting for their own child and it’s a we against them situation. This will never be a successfully blended family, there’s far too much resentment from the SD and OP. They are both wanting the H on their side and if he’s a decent dad he will choose his daughter.

Also over Easter? The Easter weekend or just four random days in the two weeks school holidays.

Lots of importance on this being Easter but one loads don’t celebrate and two it’s for over 2 weeks the Easter holidays.

Sounds like lots of people think it’s ok for his daughter to feel misplaced and not part of the family with her own siblings but not ok for ops daughter to miss out on one weekend.

Do I understand this correctly? You can't go away all together as a family if your eldest daughter (so step daughter to your husband) goes too?

I can't even work out how many children there are and who is who. Very garbled

So a 13 year old half sister has the same rights over a 3 year old as the mother? Really novel attitude, I always thought the parents made the decisions and came to an agreement. I wouldn't be happy at a step daughter or husband dictating what happens with my 3 year old anymore than my husband would be happy if I announced I was going away with our 3 year old without discussion.

Absolutely. The 13yr old has too much power.

This.

Her grandparents don’t consider your daughter their grandchild because she isn’t. They’re certainly not going to risk upsetting and alienating their actual grandchild over her.

She’s 13. She’s not interested in having a bond with your daughter and it’s not something you can force. ‘Encouraging’ it is likely to make her dig her heels in even further, and you’re not going to get the outcome you want.

If you wanted a blended family where no party differentiated between biological and step then this wasn’t a relationship you should have continued. You did, however, so now you’re going to have to come to terms with the reality you have not being the reality you want.

Like gaffer tape holding a car together is how most step families seem to work

Love this!

Why can't you and other two DC go to DP's mother's for Easter as well? If we are talking bonding, that seems like a good idea.

You sound mean. I feel sorry for the kid. Shame on you.

Spot on!
I hope they all have a lovely time away.
I understand that u r upset, especially as your daughter from your marriage is not included but from your partner and SD's POV, your daughter from your marriage and your shared daughter is with the family all the time. They likely see this as 'their' time.
Why don't you arrange to go out for an Easter lunch with your daughter and baby and make it special?

Sorry, the OP’s post was very confusing, I get you now.

And that's why so many blended families are complete shit shows.

No they arent one family. They in reality are multiple family structures connected in a completely different way to a nuclear family.

It's actually much healthier to acknowledge that and provide space for all the kids in them to have separate relationships. That includes with their own biological extend family.

So I take it then from the OP post her own mother and sister never spend time with her bio kids without her SD? Because if everything is to be fair & equal then that absolutely would never happen.

There absolutely nothing wrong with him going to visit his family with some of the kids. You should do the same with your three. Same with friends, days out, dinners etc.

The older ones doing stuff with their respective bio parent alone with out the younger ones and the younger ones without the older ones.

The reality is the OP has a much more complicated family structure that with older and very young kids that her and her DP need to have alot of emotional maturity to manage and time to give them all what they need.

Why don't the two 13 year-olds get on?

Did they ever get on before you married?

No, the 13 year old's dad doesn't live with her and has created another family.
Being 13 is hard enough;she deserves this time away with her dad and sister

Why is one one stepchild to be considered in this family though? What about the other daughter who is being deliberately excluded? Why is 'his' daughter' more important?

If you're going to say because she doesn't live with them full time you can save it - that is not OPs daughter's decision or fault so being excluded in this way is unfair and cruel. DH's child is not more special, and creating this kind of schism is awful.

Oh & also I’m not a selfish person SimetimesCalmPerson , I really am saying that everyone should be together for Easter & OPS husband take away his girls then on his own & do stuff together ..
Obviously I know Children have to spend time on their own with their own Parents..
I just don’t think anyone has to be left at home & not invited , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️