My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

What I’ve shared are my thoughts on the matter. I have no feelings about it one way or the other.

Like I said, I’m advising OP be realistic, and cautious. Ignoring the potential pitfalls of her circumstances doesn’t mean they cease to exist, or that she should lose sight of them in a sea of righteous indignation.

That partnership should not be primary over your existing children

Wow so the op is the head of the family and the step daughter just a peripheral family member???
that’s some extreme thinking

I can see why you’re upset, there’s a power play going on between the new and old families possibly encouraged by your in laws. However I can also see your step daughter’s perspective, she doesn’t get on with/or feels threatened by your daughter from your first marriage and wants to spend time with her step sibling.
I think you are going to have to be the bigger person here and allow this although I suspect your husband could do a better job of managing both parties.

Judgy much?

The what!?? People who put their children in private schools are selfish/ not good people?
What are you smoking?

This has been the most sensible suggestion and makes perfect sense.

I hope you come back op. Just wondered how your daughter feels about the situation generally? It sounds like your family are very open, friendly and welcoming but that’s not what your husband or his daughter wants. Maybe your side can make an extra fuss of your daughter because she’s probably needing a bit of nurturing (don’t mean it against SD but it sounds like she already has a lot of people ‘advocating’ for her).

She is equal she should be able to bind with them? Why is any of it a problem of course she feels left out that’s she the only sister that doesn’t live with you

You haven't given any advice really, you've just consistently smugly pointed what OP 'shouldn't' have done and the vulnerabilities as you see them thereof. And you have been very gleeful to note that OP's hopes haven't come to fruition, poorly veiling that you feel this is rightful punishment for having children with a man who had already been 'claimed'.

So many first (and therefore approved) relationships break down but they don't carry the same well what-did-you-expect witchy judgement.

That's her mum and dad's decision. She could be there more often if they wanted to do that, but the mum and dad have obviously made it so she's unable to be. That's no one's problem but her parents'

The daughter doesn’t want to be there nothing to do with dad or mum. The dads spending over 60k to build an extension for her own room and bathroom and she still
doesn’t want to stay overnight.

She doesn’t accept op and her oldest child as family. That’s where dad has failed in then not taking her into consideration though his now trying to make up for it.

But then again you see it here all the time a child shouldn’t dictate a relationship they will leave one day and you will be alone… because bed warmer and late night chat is more important that a good proper relationship with one’s child adult or not.

Yes, I’m smoking class war. Read Diane Reay’s Miseducation and get angry about the way the middle class game the system for their mediocre kids.

Meanwhile, the true rich are able to buy outstanding properties in the best catchments AND get to go on holidays whilst having access to good schools for free. Those who are salaried meantime can't afford those houses.
Go on smoking that class war myth meantime.

The parents are head of the family yes. Children who don’t live in the home are peripheral to what goes on day to day, yes. Children in general are supposed to be parented and not simply have their emotions pandered to in ways that are unhealthy to the stability of the family unit - for example by doing something that causes resentment in the parental relationship.

you think the ‘real rich’ send their kids to state school? 😂😂😂😂😂😂

The daughter doesn’t want to be there nothing to do with dad or mum. The dads spending over 60k to build an extension for her own room and bathroom and she still
doesn’t want to stay overnight

I didn't read that bit about the SD not wanting to stay, I must have missed it in OP's posts - could you show me where?

I thought she wasn't there very often because she was 'away for school' and/or that was the custody arrangement agreed between the parents. Very much their decision.

I know very well off people who do. Who buy houses in areas i could never afford. Because they had all that money to begin with, that someone like me never did.
We have all been fed a great narrative- worth looking outside that narrative to understand that a lot of people are just trying their best for their children, at great cost and personal sacrifice in many cases.
In any event, I don't want to hijack this thread.
I do however vigorously object to all private school parents being tarred with the same brush.

I think OP's DH's DSD (i.e. OP's child) should be included in such a trip, she has a relationship with OP's DH and his family, since she is his DSD. They all seem a bit weird, not including all the DC.
I welcomed into my house, by the sea, my exDiL, her DP, my 2 DGC and their D-half-sister - and they met my SGS and his two DC there. This seems normal to me. One does not exclude DC.
I and my late DH also entertained my late DH's son's half-brother (i.e. son by late DH's ex-wife). This also seemed friendly and helpful all round - DSS loves his half-brother after all, and he is family.

Rather than get upset and mak your eldest daughter feel miserable. Use it as a bonding exercise with your teenager. Do some fun things just the three of you.
She, also has had an upheaval in life. New home, (it sounds like you moved in with DP), a new father figure, a new step sister and now two half siblings.

Both older girls need special time with their 'real' parent and siblings.

Make a fuss of her, invite your family round over Easter. Make it special pamper night or movie night. All can be done with a breast feeding baby.

The 3 year old obviously likes your SD as she reads to her. Does your daughter read to her?

it is kind that your SD helps your daughter with homework.

Hopefully, it is your hormones that are making you sound like you don't like or care for your SD.

Are you very religious? Or is it because it is over a bank holiday?

I’ve repeatedly given advice. Hopes are great to have, but they can easily become detrimental when you allow them to blind you to your actual reality.

I see we’ve now reached the ‘yeah? Well you suck!’ stage of a discussion, what with you spinning off to create your own narrative as to what I’m feeling. I will say this one makes a change from the ‘cold hard bitch that hates stepchildren’ one I usually get in stepparent threads though. It’s almost refreshing 🍹

This is what I would do. I have young children, I can’t imagine happily interacting with my new dhs family watching my children who aren’t his be sidelined. I’d be I can’t go and be part of that, that would be being a terrible mother. I’d like to think you know im not a terrible mother. And that would mean our children together couldn’t go as often either so his whole family would miss out. Would definitely not spend any major events like Christmas at his family’s if the kids were going to be treated differently, they’d all be at mine or my families where we could treat all the kids as part of our family together.

Interesting phrasing from the OP too, of course it’s building the extra room to accommodate the DD. Not the 2 NEW children OP and her DH deciding to bring into the world. It’s his first and oldest daughter who apparently is the one making the house too small.

This attitude is really gross. They aren’t ‘new’ children, they’re his children. The first child is not more important than subsequent ones.

Exactly! She keeps putting all the blame on the SDS when it's her husband and his parents and sibling who are making all the decisions that can possibly be perceived as excluding OPs DD. She keeps saying she really likes her SDS but then why blame her for all evil when none of it is her doing. I guess because she doesn't want to face the fact that her DH isn't willing to blend the families like she does and he wants to have a strong relationship with his DD from his first relationship because he knows she feels left out. The SDS's crime is saying she wants to spend quality time with her half-siblings, the rest is not on her.