My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Absolutely this

No one is doing anything because a child demanded it. Stop repeating the same lies.

“The Wales trip was not her idea or step-daughter’s but my partner’s.”

The dad thought it would be good for bonding. It was his idea. He suggested it.

The DSD requested time away without her stepsister. This is something you discuss as a husband and wife and make a long term plan to help DSD adjust and feel more included. One partner doesn’t simply get to do what they like on the spur of the moment to appease one child and fcuk everyone else.

It's not the spending time with the father I'm talking about. It's the taking the 3yo and the deliberate exclusion of the other girl. Not because that's just how it is - like when SD is away at school - it's deliberate and specific exclusion.

SD didn't ask for 3yo or baby to be born - they moved into the house without her agreement also. That doesn't seem to be such a problem?

What is "normal" for you is obviously not "normal" for his Daughter. It is not all about you and what you want/need.
How soon after his divorce did you get together ?

Ok. It wasn't really clear from your post.

This right here sums up the golden child vs scapegoat perfectly.

If it's an exclusion then they are excluding half the family (OP and 2 of OPs dds). They are not specifically excluding one person, they are just splitting the family in half and doing different things to facilitate some much needed one-to-one bonding time when the SD is home from bording school.

Glad I’m not the only one!! Who is living with who??

Why does OP get to have an equal say in parenting her husband’s child who doesn’t even live with her? I think that mentality is totally unreasonable. Marrying someone doesn’t actually make you the child’s parent, the daughter has a mother and a father.

He’s allowed to spend time with just his own kids though. One day the baby might go with him too.

I’ve said this many times to stepmums on here who want to take their kids somewhere while the dsc stay with their dad, that it’s ok.
I think that time is important and is just part of the reality of blended families. OP should do the same and have time with her kids without her stepdaughter. Absolutely perfectly fine.

She gets a say in how her biological children's lives are planned. She also gets a say in decisions which will have an effect on / exlude her own child who shares no dna with Dsd.

I’m surprised that you and her father hadn’t already implemented time for his daughters to spend ttogether.

A tiny amount of time for a father and daughter to spend time together isn’t excluding the step daughter though! By that logic the DH’s DD is being excluded every day as she doesn’t live there so they do many activities without her.

Its actually extremely beneficial for biological parents to spend one on one time with their children who must live there lives in messy blended families.

I have no idea why some of you are treating that as abnormal. It should very much be encouraged.

But why would the OPs daughter want to spend time with her step GPs who are no relation.

I honestly do not understand why anyone thinks the SD spending time with her father and her GPs without the OPs daughter (who she doesn't get on with and is no relation to the GPs) is a problem

I feel so sorry for children like your first daughter.
They pay the price of being less than outsiders when their mother put themselves first and have second familys with men whose own family will never see the womans first child as anything to do with them.

It is a constant theme in MN and yet the women continue on having children and think they can force the issue.

It is unkind that his family have no interest in your daughter, but you cannot change them.

Unfortunately as her mother it was you who should have put her first and not had further children with a man with a family like that.

It was your responsibility first to protect your first child.

I am sorry if that is harsh but it is reality.
His family do not feel any connection towards your daughter and are happy to exclude.

You cannot force them.
The time to have given this serious consideration on how your daughter would be affected was before having two more children.

I feel so sorry for your daughter, saddled with a family that have no interest in her.

I realise this puts you in a difficult situation to witness this, but unfortunately this is the result of having more children with another family.

They do not have to be interested in your first child, as awful as that is.

It's your first daughter who pays the ultimate painful price of this.

Does the DP rage and cry because he spends days/weeks with his daughter not present?

Really this needs to be presented positively ‘DP, SD and 3YO are seeing GP at Easter, so me you and the baby can spend some time together, what do you fancy doing’.

The amount of times I’ve seen ‘that’s life, it’s not my fault DSC have split parents, DSC cannot expect everything, I didn’t bring DSC into a new family,etc’ thrown towards DSC I’m surprised that there are so many naysayers regarding this.

Also it seems that the extended family never accepted the OP’s DD, why you’d bring more children into that and expect it to change I don’t know.

that comment about the DD pretending to like DPs team is wild too - is she being taught to mould herself to others?

Sounds like you’re the problem, not your step daughter. Of course she should feel equal. And if this wkend helps, then all the better.

Children never ask to be born, much less to be thrust into blended families. They are the priority, above the adults.

Your 3yr old is his 3yr old too. They’ll probably have a lovely weekend and bonds strengthened is only a good thing for the children. Isn’t it?

And to be clear, DP shouldn’t have had more DC without considering he would see them more and the effect of that on his DD.

Both parents should have considered their DD when building this family, it sounds as if you never had the same ideal of a ‘blended’ family before creating it.

You are both right really. The dad has suggested it, but the op says the sd has made it really clear she doesn’t want the ops daughter around when sd spends time with her dad and family, so the dad is making his plan to go along with this. I think for big family centric holiday dates and birthdays you don’t exclude some children, you explain to sd that everyone wants to be there for Easter, that’s how Easter and Christmas work, and promise her a night away with dad soon.

It's not the fact that they're spending time together, it's the spitefulness of how it's being done that's the sticking point with me.

'I want to spend time with you Dad and 3yo too' = fine

'I want to spend time with you Dad and 3yo too but not HER' = not fine

But the OP doesn’t want her DD exposed to the excluding GP’s.

While I don’t blame her, why should others miss out when the family aren’t close by and DD sees 3YO daily?

Because they are a family: husband and wife. It's not about parenting the child, that is I agree a parental role (deciding on schooling, healthcare, discipline etc.) - it is about what they are doing over a holiday period. If one spouse makes a unilateral decision that impacts all the members of the family, it's not reasonable. If her husband came to her and said 'look DSD is really struggling with feeling like she isn't equal to the other children, I think I should take her and 3yo away for the weekend and build in lots of 1-1 time with DSD over the next few months, what do you think?' She would be unreasonable not to work with him to facilitate this. However, he has come home with a spur of the moment plan that is going to cause resentment, leaving OP alone with a baby over Easter, instead of working as a team to meet the needs of all the children. It's quite a classic thing that men do in blended families, making one 'disney dad' choice to placate a child in the moment instead of thinking long term and making sustained changes and effort to meet everyone in the family's needs.

This is mad. It is not good for the stepdaughter to learn that she can demand her father split the family in order that she doesn't have to be around her stepsister on family occasions. It's so obvious that dad is feeling guilty about his daughter having a crap time, and making a unilateral decision to placate her in the moment. How is this going to help anyone long term? It just creates more resentment in other members of the family. If this was actually about making DSD feel more included and addressing her insecurities he would be working with his wife, the OP, to discuss a sustainable strategy for doing this. That obviously can't include expecting OP's daughter to not participate in the family she lives with. If it were my DSD I'd suggest 1-1 time with dad, more regular family activities and a weekend at grandparents without my child would be ok, but not on an occasion like Easter. As always in these situations, DSD's own mother will have a view that makes it more difficult for the OP and her husband to address DSDs needs as a team, but that's what they need to do in order to maintain their own family and marriage as well as give the child the support she needs. You can't unfortunately create a situation where her stepsister doesn't exist to make her life easier, you have to get her to feel secure in the family unit.

But they are related - they are now in the same family. As I said, basing who you choose to be regarded as family based on whether they share 'blood' is archaic and irrational. Would you say OP isn't 'related' to her in laws and therefore in law relationships should be totally disregarded, even though she is the mother of their 'blood' grandchildren?