My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Well they aren't actually in laws as they aren't married but hey.

I stand by my point that it's completely reasonable for SD to want to spend time with her father, who she rarely sees, and her GP's, and not have to share the time with an unrelated teen, who she doesn't get on with and who sees her father every day.

You would however say it’s not a reasonable expectation that OP would have the same feelings and closeness to her in-laws as her own parents.
I highly doubt OP has continued a parental relationship with her previous in-laws.

Agreed

There you go with the 'unrelated' again. Their living arrangements dictate they are in the same family. The relative/not relative thing is entirely a social construct that many people are hanging their hat on with no logic or argument except 'er, er, er, BLOOD'. It's weird.

As you seem so hung up on 'they're not married' point, if they went to the registry office this afternoon and signed a bit of paper then by tonight those girls would legally be related, OP would be legally related to the in laws. Absolutely nothing else has changed but now you think there's something tangibly different? Then should the grandparents still have zero familial relationship with OP - even though she's the mother of their grandchildren?

You don’t view someone as a sibling because they are there the 2 nights a month you stay with your dad.

That's exactly the relationship and frequency with which she sees and knows the 3yo and baby.

Their living arrangements dictate they are in the same family.
So by your logic his actual biological daughter isn’t his family since they live apart?

You don't really have a handle on this do you?

It's not reasonable for OP's partner to make a unilateral choice about when and how this will happen though. How would you feel if your DH came home and said 'I'm going away for Easter with one of the kids and you and the others can stay here on your own'? Presumably you wouldn't be that pleased. It would not be a good move for your DH to make in the best interests of the marriage. OPs partner similarly needs to discuss the underlying issues (that DSD is insecure and unhappy about her role in their family unit), and work with his OH to find ways to address that. Divide and rule is only going to result in more children with a broken home, because a partnership cannot survive if it isn't a team effort.

But the OP doesn't consider her SD as part of her family, nor does she consider her as an equal to her own daughter. And the SD knows this:

'The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter'

Can't have it both ways

But the OP doesn't consider her SD as part of her family, nor does she consider her as an equal to her own daughter

I don't think either of those statements are based in fact

Of course OP doesn't feel the same about her stepchild as she does about her own children. It's a ridiculous standard to hold someone to — you do not feel the same about other people's children as you do your own. You can still love and care for a stepchild, and make them feel secure in the family unit. Many things make that more difficult to do, such as if their parent who you are in a relationship with cuts you out of decision making processes, causing resentment and making sure the stepchild sees you as a rival rather than a bonus parent.

I agree with you and have said in previous posts that there is clearly a communication issue between the OP and her partner.

There are so many separate issues going on here - communication between Op and partner, SD feeling left out, what is a 'real' family, taking 3 year old away, SD wanting to spend time with her father without step sister being there etc

It's fine to agree with some parts yet disagree with others

I AGREE with you - that is my whole point. Why should step GPs be held to a higher standard and want to have the OPs daughter over for the weekend when they just want to spend some time with their son and his daughter who they rarely see

I think separated is a tad dramatic he is taking some of the kids to visit his parents for a few days.

if you don’t want dsd bonding with the toddler without you there then say that to your DH and I’m sure he can just take his DD alone.

That set-up is entirely the decision of SD's mum and dad. The fact that she 'only' sees her dad that amount of time is up to them. It is not the fault of OP, not her daughter - and they shouldn't have to unreasonably make themselves scarce whenever SD appears.

DP should have known that OP and her daughter came as a package. He should have known what he was getting into. He doesn't get to be in a relationship with OP and pretend her DD doesn't exist. (Insert any more uninspired stepmum tropes here)

I see both sides of this dilemma. It's very difficult to see why anyone (with the possible exception of the PiLs) is 'wrong' here.

Reading between the lines SD sounds rather troubled. 13 is a notoriously difficult age in any case - exactly when a child would need the guidance and support of her family - yet her parents have apparently jointly decided to send her to boarding school. If she's already feeling on the periphery I can hardly see how that would help. It would also be interesting to know how well she's adjusted to her mother's home set-up - whether there's a further blended family there and how she's interacted.

Whatever the situation this is not a happy girl, and her parents are clearly going to some lengths to find solutions and try to support her. Is boarding school a family expectation here, or is this deemed the best solution to circumvent whatever issues may be going on in her two homes? If it's the latter then this 'solution' might only compound the problem.

I'd be inclined to overlook a lot given SD clearly has some problems and has made her feelings clear: she is not going to integrate with her father's second family. And, at the age she is, you can't force her. She does need time with her father and grandparents: the issue here is the way H has gone about this, i.e. making plans for OP's child without even consulting her. This is a precedent I'd be keen to break.

The other 13-year old in this scenario also deserves consideration. SD should absolutely be encouraged to have her own relationship with her DF and DGPs as well as her half-siblings, but she should not be allowed to cause a schism between them and their other sister. OP - you do get a say in this, as it's your younger children involved. Whilst SD is entitled to have her own relationship with them, she's not the one who should be dictating its terms.

It's a delicate balancing act in which there's going to need to be a lot of compromise (although goodness knows teenage girls are not the best at this). I don't envy you.

So don't you think a mother has a right to be included in plans for her 4 year old? He might want to take both children to visit his parents but his partner has a right to expect some discussion about the decision. She might feel 4 days is too long but be prepared to agree to two days, or she might be reassured if it was agreed that if the 3 year old was upset on night one that she'd be brought home but just being told he's taking 3 year old for 4 days and you're not invited
Isn't reasonable.

I'm sure she doesn’t ask permission to visit her own parents either.

but as I said if she doesn’t want the toddler spending time with her father and sister without her there she should just say that.

and he will probably take his DD alone.

And if that happens they need to find another way to help sd bond with her little sister.

Which must of course be fully approved of and sanctioned by the OP, and cannot be carried out unless it also includes ops 13 yo?..

Agree double standards and retaliation are pointless if the OP wants a resolution which will work for everyone.

Too much black and white thinking.

Well if she is taking their child away for 4 days I would expect her to discuss it with the father. Popping round for a couple of hours is a different matter.

What he thinks ‘the package’ entails is clearly different to what OP does. It’s not as if he’s holding OP to a different standard either - he doesn’t expect her or her family to treat his daughter any differently to how he and his treat hers.

If OP wanted the all-in blended family this wasn’t the man it was wise to continue a relationship with.

I'm with your SD here. The adults around her have made selfish choices and she is expected to be dumped with them. Imagine going home and being told to accept people into your home and that's just the way it is, you have to like them, put up with them and you have no choice. Now imagine a child being expected to think of another child as her sister when she has no relation to her. This is why I think blending families is just awful and never benefits the children. And why do your IL's who have no relation to your DD be forced to be equal to them? She just wants time alone with her family- hardly a crime. She is a child and maybe people need to listen to a child at times.

No, no. MN is very clear what constitutes 'the package' that step mums need to accept. We can't go all flim-flam 'well, whatever you think the package is that's OK' when a man is on the recieving end. Come, on, get with the programme