My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

I think your moan is that you feel the step daughter is manipulating the situation and yes she probably is. She’s bright and clever and wants to be in control of this dynamic and your husband is enabling her to do exactly that. He is pitting his children against you and your daughter from your ex and you don’t like it.

So you have a husband issue not a step daughter issue. Which is usually the case.

Omg I read the OP 3 times and thought it was just me!

In the 13 year old’s mind she can literally see how she was replaced in her dad’s life by her dad’s partner’s daughter

Having reflected, I don't think the 13yo step daughter does feel she's being replaced in her dad's life. It feels like both her parents make her feel secure. From OP's update she sounds confident and self assured which her private education is surely contributing to. OP and her daughter seem keen to be liked by her whereas she's politely not interested (demonstrated by her reaction to being asked to be a bridesmaid for OP's family). She wants to build a separate relationship with her half siblings. To her that means her 13yo step sister not being present and that is logical, if not palatable. That's the reality. It seems OP either has to accept that or decide it's not what she wants. Each parent will want to put their own children first and in this case, the best interests of the two 13yo's are not compatible.

It seems like two 'issues'.
One being you feel excluded by the Easter trip. Is there a reason why you wouldn't be included in this? If you get on with the people in question I don't see why he wouldn't ask you to also go? But that's something you must discuss with your husband. Leaving you alone against your wishes isn't good. If going isn't possible, could you invite a few mates over or visit family for the days they're away? It could be a nice change maybe.

The second thing about your step daughter, expressing a wish to be seen as equal to your other kids. Well, it's a shame she should even have to mention such things. I'd hope all children would be treated the same. She may feel the others are at an advantage and maybe in a way it's true. This should be discussed calmly and openly to see how she can feel more satisfied with arrangements.

What a horrible thing to say about a child. The SD and OPs DD didn't get along but their parents still insisted on having kids together and pretend they can blend their families. Well OP did at least., her husband seems to have cottoned on from the start that it was a no-go and is now trying to make the best of the situation with having two semi-connected families. This is all on the parents and them not doing any of the groundwork before they threw in more kids in the mix. This is the result of rushing things and not taking their kids feelings into consideration.

Easter is two months away. This isn't last minute and OP hasn't mentioned any Easter plans that were already in place.

It's perfectly reasonable for OP to want to have more discussion but claiming this has been "dropped on her last minute" with no time to plan or manage expectations is silly.

Clearly Breastfed could cover a fair age range but in general you could probably take them out easily for a walk and cafe trip, take them along for a shopping trip, hang out together in the home/watch a film together whilst the baby sleeps. Lots of things that enable giving attention to the older one

LOL. Wouldn’t be happening, othering in a blended family is not ok!

The point is it wasn't discussed or planned. No healthy relationship has one person making a unilateral decisions by themselves. Yes, the time should happen but introducing it and managing expectations is a family decision not just for the Dh, his ex and the Dd. The Op and her Dh should have discussed how it would work and then both Op's Dd and the Dh's Dd should have been sat so they could explain why and when so that this becomes a normal, expected and accepted part of their lives. Respect and consideration works both ways. Like I said it's not just the Dh who has a daughter in a situation not of her making.

I think four days is a long time for a three year old to be away from her mum for the first time. I wouldn't be happy about that. I also wouldn't be delighted to be left as the sole parent while breastfeeding.

However, it's lovely that your step daughter wants to build a relationship with her younger siblings. No ones fault that her relationship is not the same as your daughter's. It is to be expected if they are growing up in different houses most of the time.

It must be hard for two very thirteen year olds to be thrust into a step sister relationship especially if they are quite different personalities.

If everyone if working towards good overall family dynamics, that can only be a good thing.

This would annoy me. You are sitting at home on Easter weekend because of what a 13 year old has decided? I would want to be with my dh and my other dc. I would not allow any of my dc to dictate how my holidays are spent. If this happens once, it will become a regular thing. Don’t allow it.

You are sitting at home on Easter weekend because of what a 13 year old has decided?

No, because of what OP and her husband decided when they had more kids

Of course everything you has suggested is the equivalent of a trip away to be spoilt by grandparents... And it absolutely exonerates the DH making a unilateral decision by himself.

What about ops daughters grandparents take her away and spoilt and treat her. She has her own grandparents. She don’t need her step dads to be the reason for a holiday.

Maybe when the op is no longer breastfeeding she can take her older daughter away for a special trip on her own. Also gives the step daughter another chance to bond with the younger one so win win all round.

I know very little about blended families and have no personal experience of them whatsoever but I feel for the sd.

She wants a relationship with her siblings. Her siblings probably make it clear (through no fault of theirs or your daughter's) thst they prefer your daughter to your sd. Of course they would because they spend more time with your daughter. Probably when they are all together sd gets a bit ignored by her siblings because they feel more comfortable with your dd and again it's not because of anyone doing anything wrong. She probably feels that if your dd isn't around her siblings will pay her more attention and she will have more of an opportunity to bond with them. It might backfire because the 3 year old might be cranky if she's never even away from you or it might work. I think it's not a terrible idea ahd I definitely don't think this is some kind of evil plan to exclude your dd. It's not about your dd at all. It doesn't mean that she dislikes your dd or wants to split the family somehow. I mean i dont know what the relationship is between your dd and sd but you can't draw any conclusion from her request about how she feels about your dd. Again, I don't think this is about your dd at all. It is just about sd wanting a shot at having a relationship with her siblings. All it is is a plan for sd to get a chance to bond with one of her siblings.

Does she have any other siblings? Are these her only siblings? If that is the case then I can totally understand why she might be desperate to have a chance to bond with them or why she feels insecure.

I don't know if alone time is the best solution but you raging and crying about a really reasonable wish sounds pretty much like the worst solution. Why are you taking it so personal or seeing it as a slight against your dd rather than a child being scared that she won't have a relationship with her siblings?

The Op and her Dh should have discussed how it would work and then both Op's Dd and the Dh's Dd should have been sat so they could explain why and when so that this becomes a normal, expected and accepted part of their lives.

Yes, that's what should happen from here. There is no reason why it can't.

Starting discussion by dictating terms is the issue.

Agree.
He hasn’t gone about it the right way by not discussing with the op upfront but the idea is good. They now need to work together to execute it and in future discuss upfront (for the op to be involved in the planning to make it work and not just kill the idea)

SD: "I want to be treated equally"
OP: " great, so we all go"
SD: "no, that child doesn't get to come"

And your DH and his parents enable this*

But, equity and fairness are not the same as equality.

I think it's completely reasonable that the SD has some alone time with her DF and half-sibling. Which is what your own daughter has in spades.

You say that your DH used to spend loads of time with your SD, but then casually say that your SD has now been sent "away to school". How much time does she spend with him and her siblings now?

And you say she is "besotted" with the younger two as if it's a bad thing! I'm sure you would be raging and crying even more if it was the opposite!

To be honest, your SD sounds amazingly well-adjusted, mature and able to regulate and deal with her own emotions (as a PP says, she's working out strategies to help her deal with her feelings rather than having meltdowns or otherwise acting out as I imagine other young teenagers would).

And frankly, that is a miracle and one you should be grateful for considering how much upheaval she appears to have had in her life.

Also agree with others who have said that blended families rarely ever work.

He had a good idea but has executed it badly by not discussing it up front. They now need to resolve this to sort it out and discuss together next time to find solutions

I'm confused here.

You say your DD from your first marriage lives with you and your DP, so presumably your DD sees your DP most days?

You then say:

"My partner sees her (DSD) on his own all the time Up until she went away to school he had dinner with her and occasionally our eldest child once a week. He would collect her from a class once a week and she would come to us where she has an en-suite bedroom (she has never actually lived full time in the house) a couple of times a month

So, in comparison to your DD seeing her step dad every day, his own DD used to see her dad for dinner once a week (before she went away to school - presumably boarding school?)
And now only sees her own dad a couple of times a month?

Jesus, please let that poor girl have some time with her dad. She only sees him twice a month and usually when that happens, she also has you, your 13yr old, a 3yr old and a newborn to share her dad with.

How would you feel if you only saw your DP twice a month, and when that happened you always had 4 other people to share him with?

You can't move forward if one person feels they can dictate terms. i would hope the Op know they are worth more than that.

It all sounds difficult but perhaps the Easter trip will help?

I think the coming to them twice a month was even before she went to boarding school, so it's probably even less now!

I made a similar point about how the OP made a big deal about how her SD used to see her dad loads.... And then casually slipped in about her going away to school.. And has not said how much she sees him now!