My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Dictating is not bad execution. It's a fundamental character flaw.

Why would your daughter go and stay with her step-grandparents over Easter?

I couldn’t be a blended family for reasons like this but you chose to settle down with your DH knowing he already had a daughter, as did you, and so you need to accept everything that comes with being a blended family.

It’s entirely reasonable that your husband wants to visit his DP with his two daughters, and you should welcome the quality time with your daughter and baby while they’re away.

It’s lovely that your 3 year old will get to spend one on one time with her other older sister, as she must get a lot of one to one time with the one she lives with already. Think of her and your SD, rather than yourself.

Your mum and sister are absolutely right - suck it up.

I think I this is reasonable and could be good for all the kids. I think it’s good that DSD was able to express how she was feeling and that she needs time with her dad and siblings. I think it’s good that her parents and grandparents advocated for her needs and fully understand her feeling like she’s secondary to your family with only being there part time and not having the same relationships. She gets time with dad and siblings and get what she needs but also your own DD could benefit from some time with you too. Its hard with a baby and 3 year old, the older kids can get sidelined so take the opportunity to throw baby in the pram and go out with your 13 year old and spend some time with her too. I think it could wind up being a good thing for the whole family. Then absolutely spend time together the 6 of you as well but it’s okay to break into units occasionally to give everyone the time that they need.

Well when there are children involved you need to find a way to move forward.

Yeah, forgot I was on Mumsnet for a minute. OP is the lowest of the low, the first family are minor royalty and any behaviour is excused away because of hurt feelings - I'm back on track now, don't know what I was thinking.

no one accepts that marrying someone who has dc already means you miss out on the children you have together. Thats what happens when you split up, not when you have two parents together.

yhere was that thread at Christmas I think where the dad wanted to take all his dc to his ex wife’s house for Christmas Day and the op wouldn’t have seen her own children. She said absolutely not and he backed down. Mumsnet was a bit more healthy in response then. The Easter bunny comes to the 3yos home with her mum, 3 is the best age and my dh would have to file for divorce first to take her.

Why does the DH get to dictate the way forward on his own terms, at his own time scale? As someone else said, this is a DH problem.

Have you got any worries about his ability to look after the 3 year old? If not, it sounds like a great idea. You get a bit of time with the other 2, he gets active parenting time. If 4 days feels too long, ask him to try 2 or 3, but she has got a parent with her, so if he thinks she's able, let them try.

I don't see the problem - apart from communication between you and your DH. Yes this should have been discussed not just told to you. But that's an issue for you and your DH. Certainly unfair to blame your SD for manipulating anything.

Your SD rarely sees her father so quite understandable she wants to see him alone and with her GPs.

She gets on well with your 2 new children which is fabulous. My child was from my exH second marraige and has a great relationship with 2 half siblings despite a huge age difference. I have always been grateful for this.

Your DH parents naturally want to see his elder daughter who likeyl they see very little. It makes no sense that your elder daughter would go with them when they are not related and I can't see why she would want to go in any event.

Your SD sounds like a lovely mature girl, working to have a good relationship with her new siblings in what must have been a pretty difficult few years for her and now being sent away to school too.

YABVU. imo.

You are very kind and caring 💖

He doesn’t. That’s why they need to work together to find something that works. That shouldn’t be cancelling the trip but maybe the dates/ length etc can be changed to something that suits the op better (and works for everyone else too), or replaced with a couple of day trips etc

the op is happy to go on family holidays. The sd doesn’t want the ops other daughter around, she is not that lovely and mature.

The point is that he has. And now the Op is being told to suck it up.

But SD and probably DH want to see his parents. Why should SD be not able to spend time alone with her father and her GPs, who she rarely sees.

I think it’s fair enough to be able to spend time with someone/some people without needing or wanting someone else to always be there.

for example, it’s good for parents to have one on one time with a child without their siblings there. It’s good for parents to spend some time together without their children being there etc

But your husband's mum is their mutual grandmother and isn't your eldest's grandmother so is it not right they get to spend time with her together?

Anyway from reading the OPs posts again, it sounds like the Dad (he suggested it) wants to spend time with his DD at his parents house and probably thought he could also give the OP a break from the 3 year old as she has a breastfed baby, while he’s not there to help, and also so his DDs can spend time together as he knows how they love each other. Maybe he knew the OP would take umbrage at him going away with his DD ot her and/or his DD not being included so framed it as his DD wanting it to be that way.

I think it speaks volumes that the SD doesn’t stay overnight in her en-suite room (OP only mentioned her having dinner with her Dad once a week and him picking her up from clubs a few times a month before she started boarding which was ‘loads’ apparently) and obviously doesn’t want to spend school breaks at their house.

Obviously something has gone seriously wrong and there must be a back story as the SD would have been at 8-9 at a minimum when her Dad got together with the OP and if she doesn’t feel comfortable staying with them, that should have been addressed and sorted years ago! She should feel comfortable in her Dad’s home and it should be hers too.

The Dad is absolutely right to want to spend time on his own with his DD from his first marriage seeng as he doesn’t live with her and rarely seems to see her, and seeing as he lives with someone else’s DD, and also to take his younger DD. She is his child too, not just the OPs and they’re staying with both DDs grandparents.

If he loves his child that much he can put some effort into having her stay at his house then.

Imagine arguing he seems to be a pretty crappy dad (what else could you mean by saying he doesn’t seem to see his elder daughter much at all?) therefore he should be able to take his 3yo away from the op for 4 days over Easter.

She is totally entitled to that, although she should also be totally expected to go and stay at her dads house with them regularly.
But he doesn’t get to just decide he’s also taking the 3yo, which makes me think I’m not surprised his first marriage ended .

It’s very much OP’s problem. The DP hasn’t ever promised her the all-in/no difference between step and biological children blended family dynamic she wants. It was her responsibility to make her expectations clear from the beginning, and to walk away when it wasn’t offered.

OP can either accept what is offered, or walk away now. He can then take their three year old away during his time with her.

Agree with you on the 3 year old. Definitely a communication issue between OP and her DH

Is your step daughter in boarding school? Only you say he hecsaw a lot of her "up until she went away to school?" And mention school fees. If she's in boarding school that's quite a big deal.

I would simply 'announce' that the family with all the children will be having Easter at home. If he can make solo decisions then so can you - and see wherebhe goes with that.

I would not want my 3yr old away for a full holiday period - nor would I want a president set that this was acceptable. Next he'll be wanting separate Christmases!

Beyond the fact that it's Easter, I would say OK go then but I I'd be clear I wasn't happy about the separation. If he wanted to live split lives then he should go do that and not have you at home raising his babies!

I don't think his daughter should ne dictating, and I don't think the three year old should be away from her Mum.
Also the husband just does not tell to his wife he is going away for Easter he should discuss it with her.
I would not be allowing the three year old to go.