My daughter, his daughter in battle for ours

[Balletbabe]

My mum and sister think I have to suck this one up but I go between raging and crying.

My partner announced at the weekend, having just had lunch with his ex, that he and our eldest child together who is three and never been away from me, were ‘popping’ to his mother’s over Easter with his eldest child. This leaves me with my daughter from my marriage and our breastfed baby at home over the holiday for four days.

The ongoing issue is my stepdaughter feels that the children we have together need to recognise her as equal to my daughter and my daughter is at an advantage as she lives with them.

I can’t do anything about my daughter actually living with them. My partner is totally on his daughter’s side and feels this holiday will help them establish a bond.

My daughter and his daughter are 13 but my stepdaughter presents much older. Her mother has admitted from day one that she gives ‘strategies’ to her daughter to negotiate time alone with her half-siblings.

Because who the fucking fuck thinks a mum should miss out on Easter with her own little kids when she is with the dad??! There is no custody arrangement and she does not have to act like there is.

Takes a breast fed baby with him…. Hope it’s not a bottle refuser.

Random girl??? Bloody hell. You have the bare faced cheek to talk about empathy.

The op did not choose to send her to boarding school nor should she be punished for it. So because this girls parents sent her away to school it’s only fair if the op misses out on family moments like Easter with her own children?

I think I understand why you're upset.

Step daughter seems to feels left out ? Because the child you have with your husband gets more time to your oldest daughter (not your husband) ?

In response to this the family have decided that the way to make step daughter feel left out is to take away your shared child so step daughter can spend time with her while your own daughter Is left at home?

I wouldn't be letting shared child go to be honest. Step daughter would be welcome to spend time with us at home. Or your daughter is included in the "family" holiday. They are basically saying step daughters feelings are more important than your own daughters in my eyes. Shame on your husband and his mother for not treating your child the same.

Just like step daughter's mother has, you need to advocate for your own child. If husband isn't happy he can with stepdaughter to his mothers.

Yes to the DD it will have just been a random girl was the daughter of her dad’s girlfriend living ‘in her place’. You really can’t see that?

OP views her as the dad seeing his daughter soooo much because they had dinner once a week and she stayed over a small handful of nights a month. That’s hardly dad of the year.
No wonder she feels pushed out by another girl the exact same age as her living with her dad instead.

@Balletbabe why was he having lunch with his ex ?

I get everyone needing one on one but to (always ) exclude your eldest is wrong in my eyes. She is clearly jealous of your eldest .(understandable )
The family needs to blend nobody should be left out.

She is to her though just as op is just some random women who become her dads wife.

The daughter of op is a random girl the daughter of now dad’s wife.

Shes not someone the child would have picked as a friend, she’s not an actual sibling love or hate. It was a random women and random girl thrown in to the daughters life living with her father full time while she’s at boarding school.

YANBU if this has just be dropped on you without discussion. Your DH should be allowed to spend time away with his daughter and her siblings to help her bond, but its is something that should be planned in advance and worked into your schedule. You also need time to explain to your daughter whys these trips are heathy, otherwise she will feel that she has been ostracised.

Doing it the way your husband has done it just shows what a dick your husband is. Both your Dd and our Dsd need to learn that they are equal. Dropping plans on your last minute without any thought for managing expectations is selfish and cruel. Everyone is saying that his DD didn't ask for this situation, neither did yours.

edited as missed the N out.

@tro

Well she may be an obstacle for the SD bonding with the younger siblings. If the siblings are closer to the older sister who they live with I can see why it’s a lot harder for the SD to try and bond with them. Some time alone together sounds like a good idea.

So do you think the op should miss Christmas and her children’s birthdays too so her dh can take her two little children all to his daughters other home to be with her, as she should come first? Should he take them every time he sees her? Should he take them on the ops birthday if that’s a contact day as this other child comes first?

op, you should say the only way this happens is if we all go as I won’t be separated from my babies over Easter. You can decide to be a single dad again if you like, but I’ll still have this Easter and when we negotiate contact we will decide arrangements for the holidays. The only way I will spend Easter without my very young children is if I’m a single mum. Your daughter is always welcome here.

Must be some very devout Christians on here With such angst over missing Easter. 🐣

Or just chocolate hunters who love it as an excuse 🧐

OK, so basically your stepdaughter, who is 13, has one stepsister (your thirteen-year-old from a previous relationship) and two half-siblings (your three-year-old and baby with her dad). She has no full siblings of her own.

Your daughter from your previous relationship, also 13, lives with your youngest two, so is bound to have a closer bond. Your stepdaughter is understandably worried that the three of them will bond and she'll be left out in the cold, given that she doesn't live with the other three. If that were to happen, she would be on her own.

I understand her thinking completely and I think the adults around her should do everything they can to promote a bond between the non-resident sibling with the other three.

However, it's not really on for your husband to come home and inform you that your three-year-old is going away for the weekend!! That's the kind of thing that should be discussed with you!

She probably does.

That's not to say your dd is doing it on purpose but her relationship will be stronger because they live together.

Your step D wants the same relationship and has very clearly and very ably described that.

exactly and if it was the other way around, if the sd lived full time with them and her daughter didn’t and the mum suggested taking just 1 child away for her daughters to bond everyone would be up in arms about being cruel to the stepchild and ‘you knew he had a child’.

I wouldn’t have an issue with them doing a trip away necessarily but not for Easter.

Are you a big Christian? Off to church for Easter? If no what is the big deal of 4 days over the two week school holidays ?

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes. It's normally 'stepchild and dad come as a package' and you need to integrate them. Now it's dad and stepchild can dictate terms and screw the feelings of the child you had before you met your partner.

edited for grammar

Can your step-daughter not have time with you and her half siblings when your eldest daughter is with her dad?

Why can it not be an opportunity for the daughter to have some time with her mum without a 3 year old being around or her step dad. Rather than making her feel left out turn it into an opportunity for her aswell

It's time off together. You don't have to be religious to enjoy that.

I applaud the father for taking seriously his task of looking after his two families.

The set-up is such they can't realistically be blended. To pretend they can, as the OP wants, will always amount to excluding the one not living with them.

Well done to SD's mum too to encourage the daughter to keep bonding with her (the stepdaughter's) family.

OP, unless you are properly properly religious - in which case they ought to pick a random other day - you are being very unreasonable and immature towards a family set-up that you yourself essentially chose (unlike the SD, one might add).

But it’s 4 days out of 2 weeks.

Oh, stop. No one including OP's DH has said this should be an every holiday and special occasion thing. It is not all or nothing unless you're unfathomably simple minded or being disingenuous.

If OP has a particular issue with doing this over Easter that's fine and she should suggest another occasion or compromise on part of the holiday. But options may be limited given her SD is away at boarding school most of the time, so it's not shocking that DH picked a school holiday when he's also likely to have a work holiday.

There is also a breast fed child. Rather limits one on one time. It doesn't get around that fact that the dh made a unilateral decision for their family. It could have been planned and managed much better. He has show a lack of respect.