Should work accept this and work around it or am I supposed to lose my job?

[lppt]

Wasn’t sure how to title this. Basically I am a single parent. I have no help. Dd is 22 months. My office is based in the north but our clients are based all over the place. Mostly meeting are remote which is fine as I can login anywhere. But now and then they will want a meeting in London. This is a 3.5 hour trip each way for me. Since having dd this has not come up. But I’ve now had something diarised for next month and I cannot attend as I won’t be back to collect dd from nursery. I know I could ask a someone to take her back to their home but I don’t actually know anyone well enough that I feel ok with that. I also don’t know if it would be possible. Dd is still very small and would be very confused and possibly scared to be somewhere different after nursery. I can’t do it and I don’t know if I am within my rights to say that? And ask that someone else attends in my place? I know when she’s bigger it will be different but at this age I simply don’t feel ok trying to find someone to take her. The nursery is also very remote and so shed have to travel with someone else too.

Can I object? Or do I have to accept I can’t continue my job? Ex won’t have her. Already tried that.

Ex won’t have her. Already tried that.

Fuck these men. It's so depressing. Hope you can talk to your manager.

I second the suggestions to find a good reliable babysitter (preferably more than one), and spend time getting the child used to her. If you're as alone as you say, other things are going to crop up, and you will need someone you can call on to help. What if (hope it never happens), you get ill and have to be in hospital for a night? What if you want to go out on your own for a few hours for a break? Take steps now to make life run more smoothly in the future.

Lots of people here saying you need a support network outside of work and I’m assuming don’t have any knowledge of employment legislation and good practice. No...

generally your post was right. This is rubbish though. For sure you need to be able to call on someone to help you at extremely short notice outside of work hours. There are billions of reasons you might need this and it would be utterly stupid not to get something in place for emergencies, real actual emergencies (which you could then use for the occasional work issue)

1. Ask, worst they can do is say no.
2. Ask the nursery - when I had a dentist appointment once my kids nursery were completely happy to keep him a bit late (they were an absolutely lovely place). At another nursery, the keyworkers were happy to earn extra babysitting
3. Start cultivating mum-friends. I wouldn't be able to survive as a single parent without my little whatsapp group who'll help out if I need someone to grab the boys because a meeting's overrun
4. Find one of those mum friends who has an older child (not teens necessarily, as your child is very young, but I have a 20 year old (well, older now) who's my go-to when I need it - she even looked after them for a whole 24 hours once when I couldn't get to a meeting and back any other way.

What if her contract says that she is expected to do occasionally meetings like this? She's agreed to her contract and she's been given notice - she knew things like this were part of the role

Contract terms can’t override employment legislation. In itself that term could be seen as discriminatory. She’s not refusing to attend. She’s asking for flexibility on how she attends.

Times have changed, You can’t just say this is policy so we are doing it this way, if the law and tribunal rulings say this is discriminatory.

If she can attend virtually then what is the reason for insisting it’s done in person - and is that reason compliant with employment legislation and the human rights act.

It certainly doesn't get a whole lot easier as they get older BTW.
I am a lone parent to a now nearly 16 yo.
The long, long school holidays when he was too old to shuttle off to camps, yet too young to be independent really were a challenge.

There is a lot of potential international travel in my job. One of the first things I asked was whether it was essential, because if it was then there was no way I could take the position (DS was 8 at the time).
It's not essential and colleagues know why I can't go to meetings. It has not impacted me negatively, rather it may have slowed my progression. That's OK - I'm in my 50s and where I want to be.

A lot of people saying "you need proper childcare" without realising how limited the out of hours options are for all parents

This is a parenting site and most people are women so, yes, I think most people saying this do appreciate this. It's increasingly common for people not to have lots of "on tap" extended family support so OP's situation is hardly unique. That makes it even more important particularly for single parents to have some sort of backup system. OP's DC is 22 months old, and she's known that she was pregnant for some months before that. That means she's had over 2 years to start to build up a network of people that could help out if needed (and obviously being available to reciprocate if necessary). Yes, it's difficult, particularly if you are not particularly sociable, but it's a necessity of having a child that you have some sort of backup you can call in for emergencies, let alone known work travel. I hope that OP can get out of this particular travel coming up, but then she really needs to focus on getting some wider support in place.

Having parental/caring responsibilities is a "protected characteristic" -

No it's not. Pregnancy and maternity are, but being a parent or carer isn't.

Sex is a protected characteristic so employers have to ensure that their policies or practices don’t put women at a disadvantage. This means considering that women are more likely to have childcare responsibilities and ensuring that they don’t indirectly discriminate against women on this basis.

@AllThePotatoesAreSinging but if she took a job know she couldn't fulfil the criteria then she shouldn't have taken the job and should have been honest with her employer. Some things need to be done face to face. If it's essential to the role and she's saying she can't do it where does her poor employer stand? She was aware of this and they've given her notice, it isn't like they've told her it's tomorrow.

Poor employer - who'd be an employer these days?!

Please speak with your manager, OP. They won't want to lose you and if they can, they will find a way. Best of luck.

I agree, but that's not what the poster said.

Why is it essential to go in person though? Why can’t OP dial in?

I’m not boo hooing over the poor employer. The employer needs to ensure they are compliant with legislation. Does their policy potentially discriminate against women? Yes. They need to fix that.

Ask the nursery is anyone babysits and would be happy to bring DD home after nursery and wait until you got home. Many nursery workers babysit as they already know the children well. This would work well for you if the situation cropped up again.

@AllThePotatoesAreSinging because not everything can be done via zoom/teams.

I for example can't do my job remotely

As I said in a PP, my DP has to visit sites - actually be there - he can't do that remotely

You really need a back up plan anyway. What if you became ill or needed to go in hospital? No chance of her father or grandparents helping?

That’s your job though. That’s his job. That’s not OPs job.

There’s nothing to suggest the work can’t be done remotely. OP states most meetings are. Why is a face to face meeting needed in London when others can be done remotely. That’s what her employer needs to justify.

This is really hard and I’ve been there. I would/did:

a) put in a flexible working request that any meetings enable you to be back in time for nursery pick up or are remote. You basically want to avoid this happening in the future.

b) look at hiring from Sitters (babysitting agency) or childcare.co.uk or similar to pick up from nursery and bring her to her home where she will be familiar. It won’t be ideal but she will be okay. You could also ask the nursery staff if any of them offer babysitting.

You need a network who can help you. I would suggest:

1. Asking nursery staff if they babysit and take child home or find another regular babysitter
2. Build up some mum or dad friends who can help from time time.
3. Ask your child's father for help if at all possible.
4. Ask your parents / siblings for help. If they don't live locally get them to stay over and assist. Do as many of these things as possible. Good luck 🤞

All these things will make your life much easier and child builds relationships with other adults.

There are options but it's difficult, expensive, the people can be unreliable, and ultimately the main problem is you have to leave a very young child with someone you don't know particularly well for extended periods.

A friend told me that to attend 2 days conference away from home she had to find someone off sitters who was willing to stay overnight with her 2 year old child twice, taking her to and from nursery each day. This costs £250 per night. She's done it a few times and sometimes the sitter hasn't turned up, sometimes isn't available both nights so she needs 2 different people. I think this is a bit much for a young child regardless of cost.

Sometimes you have to accept you can't have it all.

Getting a nursery worker to take a child home and put them to bed is one thing as long as the parent is back that same evening.

And a network of friends is great for emergencies, I have lots of people I can ask if I am delayed in traffic for a short while. But I cannot realistically ask a friend to have my young kids overnight on a school night, unless it really is an emergency.

If most meetings are done remotely, that suggests that face to face is needed as specifically asked for.

And, if it's something the client has requested, depending on the employer/client relationship, that tends to be something that the employer will want to accommodate even if they don't necessarily see the need.

Please speak to your manager, you could be panicking over nothing. I work in the NHS, I'm not a single parent but my partner works away for months at a time. I've always had the agreement that if I cannot be back by the time after school clubs finish, I cannot go to the meeting. I have done London by dropping at breakfast club at 7, on the 7:30 train. I'm in Yorkshire so I never make 9am meetings, but better to be late than never as it shows willing.

My kids are now 16 and 13, so I'm soon to be out of excuses for later meetings (I still have to be back for the 13yo as there's no busses post 4pm from her school), but I've had this flexibility since they were little so I think I've done well.

Just try show willing whenever possible, there are some good suggestions on here.

It might just mean that they feel the need to do a face to face every so often for the sake of it. For networking. For team meetings etc. That still doesn’t make it essential if it is possible to dial in, rather than travel for what amounts to a full working day outside of the hours childcare is available.

Employer ‘nice to haves’ and Client ‘wants’ don’t take precedence over employment legislation or the equality act or tribunal rulings. That’s for the employer to manage and not for the employee to be disadvantaged by.

What employment legislation says that mothers of young children don't have to do travel that is (presumably) stated and required as part of their employment contracts?

(If it's not in her contract then I agree, but I assume OP might have mentioned that as rather a material point).