Should work accept this and work around it or am I supposed to lose my job?

[lppt]

Wasn’t sure how to title this. Basically I am a single parent. I have no help. Dd is 22 months. My office is based in the north but our clients are based all over the place. Mostly meeting are remote which is fine as I can login anywhere. But now and then they will want a meeting in London. This is a 3.5 hour trip each way for me. Since having dd this has not come up. But I’ve now had something diarised for next month and I cannot attend as I won’t be back to collect dd from nursery. I know I could ask a someone to take her back to their home but I don’t actually know anyone well enough that I feel ok with that. I also don’t know if it would be possible. Dd is still very small and would be very confused and possibly scared to be somewhere different after nursery. I can’t do it and I don’t know if I am within my rights to say that? And ask that someone else attends in my place? I know when she’s bigger it will be different but at this age I simply don’t feel ok trying to find someone to take her. The nursery is also very remote and so shed have to travel with someone else too.

Can I object? Or do I have to accept I can’t continue my job? Ex won’t have her. Already tried that.

Ignore me, I now see that paid childcare was mentioned. Not other parents.
Nursery staff might be able to do it. I'd never use a random approved person though.

As this request is extremely rare (like less than once each year rare it seems) I wondered if you could take AL the day before and the day after the meeting to allow you to take your daughter to London with you.

You could stay in a value hotel the night before and the night after your meeting and you would need to source one shorter day of childcare in London. Perhaps a nursery or nanny agency could offer this. Perhaps colleagues at the London office could make a recommendation of a suitably qualified person.

You could also let your employer know how difficult this is for you and hope thst they drop the requirement.

Talk to your manager, but use this as the opportunity to get a childminder/babysitter sorted put because your manager does not have to agree to this every time and having someone to fall back on will come in very handy and is just a sensible thing to have in place

No, your employer shouldn't have to accept your refusal to attend meetings which involve travel if it's part if your job description. It's up to you to make childcare arrangements and you've had 22 months to do so.

eta didn't mean to quote the whole OP

I have been in your shoes but if this is just occasional, you should try and find a solution. Do you have a friend or family member, or does the father, who could travel to help out for the day?

I had to do this a few times. It was a big ask but absolutely necessary. Once I had a family member travel to me, once I travelled to drop with a friend, another couple of times I travelled a signficant distance to drop with family - all so I could attend vital meetings.

In my line of work, it would be frowned upon to say no without exhausting every option. Not saying that's right or fair, but it's just the way it is.

18? 19? Nonsense.

Friend is shift worker. She pays a couple different members of the daycare staff privately to cover her evenings and overnights. When childcare person stays they sleep at her house in the spare room.

It's the first time you've been expected to do it in 22 months and you are going to let them down?

You have had almost TWO years (maybe two and a half since you knew you were pregnant) to get something in place and you just haven't bothered up until now, even though you have always known it was an occasional requirement of the job.

What legislation is that under? The only one I'm aware of is parental leave and that doesn't cover situations like this.

All these suggestions of refusing or taking a sickie are keeping the glass ceiling firmly in place. I can understand why employers would avoid employing women in 'big' jobs if they think there is a risk of them just refusing to do parts of it because it doesn't suit.

This. Surely a decent manager would be ok with this if you have been with the company for a decent time and they are happy with you? It's only for a few years then they are older and in school etc..what does your contract specifically say about travel?

You'll have to ask your ex again because he needs to step up and look after his child. It's only an occasional work trip. Does your child have grandparents or aunties/uncles?

It would be good if OP could return to answer the questions people have asked and respond to the suggestions.

We would try and work with you to find a solution but ultimately if it is part of your job and in your contract we would expect you to do it or move on

It won’t necessarily get easier as they get older, school pick up is much earlier than nursery, plus you have the holidays. Yes there are after school clubs etc but I definitely feel more guilt over leaving my 4yo in after school club than I ever did with him having a long day at nursery. I’m not saying this to scare you, but just I really would start considering how that will fit with you job now, because it will come round quicker than you think.

I don’t think your employer is being unreasonable but understand you not wanting to leave your daughter with a stranger.

It depends on how important these in-person meetings are.
Having parental/caring responsibilities is a "protected characteristic" - employers are obliged to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate your circumstances and not discriminate against you. However, as with any protected characteristic, you do still have to be able to do the actual job and if you can't then it's reasonable for your employment to be terminated. So, if a bus driver develops a back issue that means they need extra lumbar support it is reasonable to expect the employer to provide additional back-support on the vehicle driving seat. But if they develop an issue that means they can't sit in the driving seat at all, or only for 10 minutes at a time, it's not discriminatory for them to lose their job.

If all the London meetings are totally optional then you should request an official "reasonable adjustment" that you will not be required to travel more than 45 minutes away from your normal place of employment until your child is able to start school (and make sure you choose a school with great wraparound care). Get that officially agreed in writing, don't wait for the occasion to arise.

If the job cannot be done without occasional London trips then the first step would be to ask if there's any scope for internal redeployment to a role without such a requirement. If there isn't then start job hunting.

Do you not have any friends who you trust who you could offer to pay (they might not even take the payment)?

Discuss with your manager.

If I were your manager (I say this as a manager of a large team where many have kids) I'd be sympathetic if it were one off (kid unwell / medical appt) but if it were regular I'd have to weigh up how critical you are to the meeting/ team and how long you've worked for us/your history of commitment etc. If you are indispensable I'd accommodate it, but if you were not, I'd insist you show face Atleast once every few months at your convenience.
Not worth resigning, but difficult conversation to be had.

Have the chat,

Ask nursery if they can have her the extra hours. You'll have to pay for the extra hours but it may be an easy option. Quite a few childminders do wrap around care. If you want to work then it isnt too much if an ask. It's once every so often isn't asking alot from you from a work prospective. There are many people that are DBS checked and do babysitting on the side too. They're giving you ample time to schedule care, even getting someone to pick your child up from nursery every couple of weeks to get them used to it and you not worry as much when you do go to London would be ideal. You can speak to your boss and see if it's possible to miss any meetings in London, but it may be an integral part of the job and not feasible to miss in the long run.

I'm not sure where you work, but in practice, there have always been dial-in options and a readout for meetings where staff are across the country / sick/ on holiday and cannot reasonably make an in-person meeting.

Speak to your manager and explain you cannot make this one due to times/ need to pick up DD.

If your contractual office is not London, they need to include your travel time as work hours. Not everyone can work additional hours because of caring responsibilities..

Try asking the nursery if one of her key workers would do it. I guess work may accept your reasoning, but I do think if it’s part of your job then you need to look for some possible solutions. I was in the same boat as you, but did a role that didn’t include any travel as I couldn’t do it (had 3 kids). They have grown up now so I can choose roles that include some travel.

If this is part of your role then your employer is right to expect you to go

When DP was with his exw his job entailed overseas travel. She wanted to continue her career when she finished maternity - he was no longer available to travel when needed to his employer changed his role, but it meant a drop in salary as he wasn't able to fulfil his role due to the travel (he was involved with international partners and had to visit sites). If you can't fulfil your role ask employer if the can adjust it but it may mean a lesser salary

2 issues 1 work 2 childcare

With work talk to your manager. Be open about your problem and try to find a work fix.

My managers knew I was only available during nursery hours. Can the meeting be arranged midday so you can do the journey between 8 & 6?

But the other issue is sorting some kind of out of hours childcare for other times/emergencies. Ask the nursery. Try to find other single mums to have reciprocal relationships with. Etc

As a manager I would try and support you if you came to speak to me, but would depend on business needs how flexible I could be. Ask but work towards a back up plan

Could you make the meeting if it was earlier?
To factor in the travel. It would likely mean wasting the day but that's also a compromise.

I need 4 hours to be able to return, so the meeting could be xx/xx time.

I'd also double check with nursery if any of them do babysitting..it's important that as a single parent with no help you have a wwyd backup in case the worst happens and your ex is unhelpful (unwilling) to step up. Thinking this is an opportunity to get some help on the bench in case of emergencies.

That's irresponsible, unprofessional and sets a poor example for not just your colleagues but also your children - 'I don't want to do something so I'll lie so I don't have to do it'