Should work accept this and work around it or am I supposed to lose my job?

[lppt]

Wasn’t sure how to title this. Basically I am a single parent. I have no help. Dd is 22 months. My office is based in the north but our clients are based all over the place. Mostly meeting are remote which is fine as I can login anywhere. But now and then they will want a meeting in London. This is a 3.5 hour trip each way for me. Since having dd this has not come up. But I’ve now had something diarised for next month and I cannot attend as I won’t be back to collect dd from nursery. I know I could ask a someone to take her back to their home but I don’t actually know anyone well enough that I feel ok with that. I also don’t know if it would be possible. Dd is still very small and would be very confused and possibly scared to be somewhere different after nursery. I can’t do it and I don’t know if I am within my rights to say that? And ask that someone else attends in my place? I know when she’s bigger it will be different but at this age I simply don’t feel ok trying to find someone to take her. The nursery is also very remote and so shed have to travel with someone else too.

Can I object? Or do I have to accept I can’t continue my job? Ex won’t have her. Already tried that.

I was the same, two small kids and a single mum with a full time job. Team meetings were often put on in "really interesting locations" as the team was based across Europe. So cue shlepping across countries to get to random out of season ski resorts for meetings.

Tell your boss this is really difficult for you to do, but look (and really do look) to build up a relationship with a babysitter who can cover you on these random days.

Be very proactive - don't hand your boss the problem, but tell him/her and tell them what you're trying to do. It'll be so good for you in the future to have someone on hand to help you that knows you and your dd well.

If you have a job that involves travel and want to continue doing it you will need a support network wider than nursery and need to start building that up. Your work maybe lenient with you now but it's not something you can do long term. Do you have a relative who can come and stay the night if they live a distance away?

You need to find a sitter. Sitters is an online service who can provide screened people to babysit. Also perhaps asking nursery staff if anyone does this sort of work.

I did change my job when I was a lone parent with 2 dc's at nursery so I was in the same town all the time. It's a very hard thing to juggle, you have my sympathy.

You need to find someone who can babysit - you need an emergency backstop

Not just for work but for when you car breaks down or you get seriously ill

Think of this as the spur you need to get a contingency in place

Surely you start with talking to your manager, and explaining the situation? They may be super understanding and say no worries, maybe next time. Quitting seems rather OTT at this point.

So this would fall outside of your normal working hours?

if you want to keep your job, you will need to find a way to make it work. It is really hard when DC are so small, but there are options. I used a childminder, and when (as often cropped up) i had a day-trip to Barcelona or something, she kept them until i returned.

Of coure, it costs money, but i stayed at that company until the DCs had left home and had several promotions so i saw the early difficulties as an investment in my future. If this is a job where you think it is worth it, you will find a solution.

alternatively: you could ask your company to make an exception for you that you can dial into meetings? Maybe other colleagues would appreciate this? (hybrid meetings can be challenging so everyone taking part really needs to be on board with how it works)

Yes, this. I ended up doing all the travel in a previous role as the entirety of the team all said they couldn’t because of childcare (not all of them had young children). I ended up leaving that job as I was exhausted from doing the travel that should’ve been allocated evenly among 8 people.

Have your work said attendance is essential? What does your contract say?
I agree its really tricky, we don't have good babysitting options locally so I'd really struggle in this situation but I don't think my work would enforce the travel if I couldn't do it.
You do need a solution for emergencies though.

I ended up leaving my job after becoming a single parent for several reasons but partly as the "other duties as required" part of my contract required occasional out of hours work and some overnight stays. It depends on your workplace you will know better if they are likely to be flexible. Is there no family or friends who could collect? Anyone from ex family? It's worth thinking what arrangements you would have for an emergency I don't have family local but have 2 trusted friends who my ds is comfortable going with in an emergency

It depends on the terms of your contract, but I'd say if your contract includes travel to meetings and they've given a few weeks notice I don't think your employer is being unreasonable. Not all workplaces are the same, but at ours where people need specific times at home (for school run etc) they can apply for this to be part of their recognised work pattern for example. But if you're contracted to do certain hours and cover certificate meetings, it's not unreasonable for your employer to expect you to do so.

You could talk to your manager of course - but you probably do need some longer term solutions for when this happens in future?

You have loads of time to find a babysitter, and as pp have said, it could be someone from nursery who already knows her. Try sitters and childcare.co.uk too and have a couple of trial runs - you need a backup anyway.

I understand and sympathise iwth your dilemma.

But I think you are making too much of this. At 22 months, and in nursery, she is already used to other people looking after her so there's no reason you can't find a babysitter (and I agree with others - ask if nursery staff can do this. it's pretty common and usually just involves signing a form to say you don't hold nursery responsible for the staff member's actions while off site). If this has always been part of your job, expecting it to suddenly disappear is unreasonable without, at least, a conversation with your manager. Especially as they're giving you plenty of fnotice.

One thing I would consider when discussing witn your manager is whether there's flex on the meeting time? Assuming it's only a couple of hours meeting, can it be scheduled for middle of the day so taht it's easier for you to get to and from in time for nursery/to limit babysitting time?

Huh? You just say I'm unable to return to my home town this amount of time outside my working hours as the nursery I pick my kid up from is shut.

This is literally the most common explanation where I work - and is universally accepted

(Yes, separately you're going to need a network of people)

As others have said you need to get proactive and sort out emergency/ extended child care that you trust. Possibly too late for this work thing, but there will be times in the future when you will need help. There was a thread the other day about someone in a similar position who had an operation planned but didn’t have a back up plan. It’s hard, done that, got the t shirt, but for single parents forward planning is the only way.

I think it depends on the work arrangement though? I have a client who has quite a few people who work out of London but they are still expected to be in London x days per month. The accomodation that is made is that knowing trains are expensive and chidcare arrangements hvae to be made, the company agrees to those days being cast in stone and any changes to be made hugely in advance. I'm trying to schedule something with one of these workers and we're currently looking at dates in early April to accomodate his agreed working schedule.

Firstly, discuss your issues with you boss and let them know you’ll do your absolute best to try and come up with a solution. (They may excuse you on this one occasion if you can find a long term solution).

Then look for a babysitter you can learn to trust for future occasions, or even if you just need a break for yourself.

• try asking if any nursery staff offer ad hoc babysitting.
• look for a Facebook group for local childcare.
• find a nanny service near you and ask if they cover ad hoc babysitting.

What are you going to do if your DD is unwell on the day of the meeting? You could drop her off, arrive in London then get a call to say she’s got a temperature or is vomiting. What’s your fall back plan if that happens? Who will collect her?

I agree with others, either you renegotiate this aspect of your role with your manager or it’s time to look for a new job. You could ask nursery staff if they’d be willing to do some early evening babysitting on this occasion but I don’t think they’d be on board with you being so far away on an ongoing basis when DD is with them.

I’d just phone is sick on the day… baby comes first. Some of these suggestions about getting a teen look after the baby are absurd. And I do do this but with my teens I don’t want them in their own for hours in the evening so I have several ways of getting out of things.

Can her father have her?

I had that too

Got fed up of working away from home way more than my fair share

YABU OP. Myself and thousands of others had to source cc to enable us to work. I returned to work when child was 10 months and was a single parent too. Remote working wasn't an option. Just had to get on with it like many others. My childminder turned out to be absolutely brilliant.
Everyone needs back up cc and whilst I appreciate that many have family they can rely on, many don't.

My child comes first too as is the case for most other parents I know but the answer isn't to phone in sick. Unfair on colleagues. The workforce would be in dire straights if we did what you suggest.

Oh and I guess I should say - I was astounded how many people were happy to help me out when I asked for help - have you actually asked people for support ?