Should work accept this and work around it or am I supposed to lose my job?

[lppt]

Wasn’t sure how to title this. Basically I am a single parent. I have no help. Dd is 22 months. My office is based in the north but our clients are based all over the place. Mostly meeting are remote which is fine as I can login anywhere. But now and then they will want a meeting in London. This is a 3.5 hour trip each way for me. Since having dd this has not come up. But I’ve now had something diarised for next month and I cannot attend as I won’t be back to collect dd from nursery. I know I could ask a someone to take her back to their home but I don’t actually know anyone well enough that I feel ok with that. I also don’t know if it would be possible. Dd is still very small and would be very confused and possibly scared to be somewhere different after nursery. I can’t do it and I don’t know if I am within my rights to say that? And ask that someone else attends in my place? I know when she’s bigger it will be different but at this age I simply don’t feel ok trying to find someone to take her. The nursery is also very remote and so shed have to travel with someone else too.

Can I object? Or do I have to accept I can’t continue my job? Ex won’t have her. Already tried that.

it Is perfectly acceptable to ask how important it is that the meeting is face to face, but as you have been given more than a weeks notice to enable you to make arrangements work is within its rights to insist. It’s cold but your lack of childcare is not their problem and as this has been a risk for a while you should have been gradually putting a childcare option in place.

Why haven't you got childcare in pace for when this happens? You know that it happens from time to time so you should have put something in place.

Children have two parents......not sure why you would even expect that an employer should work around childcare arrangements. I am just amazed that anyone would ask the question.
In your position I would try to negotiate if you really cannot find a way to attend the meeting, talk to employer, try to swap with someone (some might like an expenses paid trip to London), or failing that hire a nanny for the trip and take DC with you.

Back in the days my DC were at nursery and primary school if family couldn’t cover for us we paid for a childminder to do the out of hours we couldn’t cover. Usually we worked opposite shifts but this wasn’t always possible. The childminder was happy to cater for healthcare workers unsociable hours because she use to be one.

It depends how much you like your job though.
You could ask for a concession. No harm in asking only entitlement in expecting.

2025 & mothers are still facing issues such as this. And people wonder why we still need feminism.

Hope you get it sorted OP. I was unsupported when mine were small but that was back in the days when childminders who'd do occasional extended days &/or sleepovers were relatively easy to find & affordable. Your manager should recognise that your situation is temporary (children grow up) & appreciate that you're a loyal enough employee to seek a solution rather than just resign. Talk to them.

There is no way I’d trust a random ‘local teenager’ with my 22 month old child. This is an unreasonable suggestion. If this was a business trip that popped up occasionally in your schedule I’d say you’d have to find ways and means to facilitate it. However as it’s a one off and rare, I’d simply say ‘I cannot do it, I am sorry. I have nobody to have my daughter’.

2025 & mothers are still facing issues such as this. And people wonder why we still need feminism.

What do you think feminism will achieve that isn't already available to OP?
We don't know if her contract expects her to attend these meetings. If so and she has not put anything in place then it's on her.
It stinks that her DD's father isn't stepping up - again we don't really know why.
We don't know why OP has no other childcare apart from her nursery.

Feminism has meant that her manager has the same expectation that the OP attends the meeting as her colleagues w/o caring responsibilities.

We have this sort of expectation at work, realistically you won't be the only person who can't attend for one reason or another.

Speak to your LM and explain - I'd go for "can't do it just now while DD so little".

I doubt you'll lose your job over it, and if you consider you've had a lucky escape from an inflexible employer.

this comment. Every day of the week.

Yes, it is hard on women because it falls to us and men walk away. But on the other hand, this post every day of the week.

A lot of people saying "you need proper childcare" without realising how limited the out of hours options are for all parents, let along single parents.

I'm a single mum who travels for work but I'm totally reliant on my mum for help and actually if I had to drop out due to lack of cover that would be understood.

A day like that OP might be leaving 5 or 6am and coming back after 9pm. There are not many options for that sort of timing.

Top law firms sometimes offer a nanny service to enable their staff to work long hours but these are very expensive services to take on as an individual, especially to a single mum. Also I doubt they do it as a one off i.e. the law firms pay them a retainer.

OP I suggest discussing it with your line manager and seeing if there's compromise. You can also see if you can arrive late/leave early if that helps at all.

this is a situation where I would ask OP! nobody here knows how your work will react.

@lppt What did you anticipate doing with this aspect of your job when you got pregnant? How did you theoretically plan to handle it?

and totally agree people have no idea what it's like to have no proper after hours help

I took roles where I never had to stay late - and I wasn't a single parent! but my husband had unpredictable hours.

who do people think would care for small child or baby - who have been in day care all day and are tired - put them to bed etc - especially as one off. not like you could ask a random to do that.

You’ve got to try to get something in place. By all means talk to your manager if you won’t be able to organise something in time.

Definitely ask nursery staff if they could offer paid cover, and do some practice runs if they can. As it is an occasional event, you may be able to hire an emergency nanny, although I don’t know how much provision there is across the UK. You will have to google.

i do know what it's like since i live in a different country to all my family and all DHs family. (well aware that we are not single parents)

I didn't know anyone and actually moved in the last 2 weeks of my pregnancy (and had been fired from my job for being pregnant so the court case was ongoing the whole 9 months)

I made sure to talk to all the neighbours, join all the mum/baby groups etc etc. I made sure i talked to everyone i possibly could and when i finally went back to work, i had plans A through E (chef husband worked 6 days a week split shifts so generally unavailable outside of if they needed a parent at home because they were ill)

It is exhausting. But i pulled my weight at work, occasionally asking if i could rearrange meetings or business trips etc. Answer was always: nobody else asks for it (all men with mostly SAH partner or part-time working partner). It was a MASSIVE struggle.

Ultimately, for me, it was worth it. For OP (or anyone else) maybe not. Only you know. But bloody hell, for sure employers need to be more helpful than so many of them are. But WE need to be more proactive. Don't just say "can't make it" - say "that's difficult. How about this... solution A, Solution B?" If you are pushed out after trying to meet them at least half-way - then constructive dismissal is worth considering. Join a union. now. Mine was invaluable giving me advice and assistance formulating reasonable plans that a company would be churlish turning down.

My bosses, or even most of my colleagues, had/have no idea i'm in a union.

Isn't this the kind of thing that you can make a flexible working request for? It doesn't have to all be about part time hours it could be T&Cs too and your employer is obliged to consider it then and give a business reason why not.

TBH it comes down to how much they want to keep you/ how much flexibility there is in the business. If you are a good employee that they want to keep and it's a temporary occasional issue then they may just accommodate you.

Have you asked your manager about it? They are not obligated by law to accept it, but they may want to out of goodwill and because they do want to keep you on. If I were you, I'd ask. Maybe they'll tell you not to sweat it, they'll send someone else or you can do it online. Then you don't need to worry about it. If they tell you that you really must be there in person if you want to keep your job, you can take it from there - but you won't be fired just for asking.

Thing is, OP knew these meetings would be part of her role. She knew that she would be expected occasionally to do this.

It's a one off request and not unreasonable, particularly since it was part of you job before. I'm not sure why you wouldn't accommodate this as it's very occasional.

I don't think you should get someone to take your daughter to their house unless they are very familiar with that environment. Indeed it would be quite disruptive for them as they won't understand what's happening at 2.
You should get someone (babysitter, family or friend) to take her back to YOUR house and care for her until you are back.

Our babysitters are all registered childminders or nursery workers. If you don't have someone who is familiar with your child and your house, I would find someone asap and set up some shorter babysittings for a couple of hours before.

Don't get me wrong - I am deeply sympathetic to OPs issue here, but i also think that we all need to make it the "new normal" that we are very much pro-active in these things.

We don't know how "important" OPs job is (to her employer) but pp suggestion of travelling down with the child the day before, nanny for duration, then travel back would be accommodated by one of my friend's employers. But it would have to be asked for. One of my male colleagues asked for support when his wife was in hospital for a week - there was one meeting that could not be rearranged - so the company organised a nanny for half a day at our offices, and everything was good. Etc etc

I think you should have discussed this when you returned from maternity leave as you basically can no longer carry out part of the job that you signed up for. (It sounds like this is part of the job). You either need to discuss taking on another role at the company /ask the company if they are willing to adapt your current role so you can stay in it but not travel (but you have to accept this might not be possible) / or work on finding a childcare solution allowing you to carry out your current role / or find another job which does not require travelling.

Unless your manager is an absolute monster then this should not be an issue. I certainly wouldn't make you go or start planning to manage you out.

But I would take this as a gentle reminder that you do need to build a support network.

What time does the nursery close?

I work in HR. Is there no way you could join this meeting remotely.

If we declined this request without good reason, other than everyone needs to come in person, enforcing a policy that applies to all staff male and female could be indirect sex discrimination as this puts you at a disadvantage because you are a woman - women generally have more child caring responsibilities than men. Tribunals are (correctly) recognisant that more childcare responsibilities fall on women.

Lots of people here saying you need a support network outside of work and I’m assuming don’t have any knowledge of employment legislation and good practice. No … you’ve already arranged childcare to cover your working hours. Your employer needs to recognise that legislation has changed to become more supportive of working mothers and need to make sure they are compliant.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and this is quite a tricky situation. I think first of all talk to your manager and see what you can do in these situations. If that doesn't work then maybe look for someone you can hire to babysit in these situations maybe? Appreciate you may have to change jobs. One thing to bear in mind just because you said it would be different when she's older. I've got one in nursery and one in school and the one in school is more of an issue as our wraparound finishes at 5. Nursery for us has more flexibility and is open earlier/later. Just something to bear in mind. Logistics are so difficult when you have a job that keeps you moving around and you are doing it solo which is incredible.