Mother is barely speaking to me wwyd?

[Biscuitsnotcookies]

NC to start this thread.

Background: I grew up as a black sheep in a sometimes very violent but always psychologically damaging household. My father did not want children, and lashed out at me frequently and violently, and said he hated us regularly. I don’t have a single memory of him hugging or smiling at me, or feeling anything but anger towards me. He just openly counted down to the day he could throw me out. I was on my own at the age of 16.

To this day he is not interested in either my brother or me. My brother was the golden child, so my mother shielded him from much of the violence, she did not do the same for me. As a result I have scars both inside and out.

My parents are still together, although I believe it is a mutually coercive and manipulative relationship. Almost transactional, I was only ever happy anywhere away from home as a child and spent most of my life outside. I learnt to make the best of things and lie low.

Fast forward to now. I have a family of my own, and we live around 3 hours from my parents.

When I had children of my own I realised how awful my own childhood was, and I moved away to provide a calm and happy childhood for my dc.

My mother took it very, very badly and has felt deep resentment ever since, saying I took her ‘grandchildren away from her’. Despite accepting it was a better life for them. In all honesty I wanted to keep them away from my toxic family as far as possible. Although initially we visited every three weeks, and I called my mother every day.

We had to stop seeing my father when he started to abuse my own children by calling them names and degrading them.

My mother felt I should tolerate him, for her sake, but I can’t as I fear he will make my dc anorexic (I am a recovered, as far as possible, anorexic myself, thanks to him) and ruin their self esteem at best. He has a nasty temper, and can blow up at the smallest thing. My dc haven’t seen him in over five years.

Up to a year ago we just saw my mother alone, and tired to continue a relationship of sorts. Last year she became quite abusive towards me, calling me names, blaming me for the family’s problems and always trying to make me feel I am not good enough/not doing enough.
She is angry I won’t play happy families and allow my father near my dc. It comes out in a million PA ways. She never stops reminding me of what I have done.

For the sake of keeping some relationship with her, i have tried to keep things light mostly, but I told her she has hurt me with the things she has said, and the name calling. She then proceeded to cut me off for six months, and stopped talking to me.altogether.

She did this before for nearly a year, she has form for giving me extended periods of silent treatment. This hurts me, as I feel abandoned and hurt, even though I am adult now. It makes me feel terrible. It’s my punishment it feels like.

Just before Christmas she got back in touch, as if nothing had happened. Expected me to visit her, bring presents and play along.

I felt too afraid to really challenge her as she just cuts me off the minute I say I am upset/hurt. So we haven’t discussed any of this in any detail, I am expected to gloss over it, she is pretending like nothing has happened, chatting about the weather and sending me gushing messages that she misses me and loves me more than life itself. It all feels very hollow.

I just feel so confused. She says she has a ‘phone phobia’ but I know that isn’t true as she speaks to her sister every single day. She also calls my brother. She just never calls me. Ever. She just refuses to engage properly, and just sends texts only talking mainly about the weather or her undying love for me.

I don’t know how to manage this relationship anymore.

It feels empty and pointless, superficial in many respects, but somehow I feel I must continue to make some effort with her as she is my mother, and is getting older. I feel so sad we have no real relationship. It just feels so upsetting and empty that it has come to this.

Mother’s Day is coming, and I’m already having sleepless nights about what to do.

I have panic attacks at the thought of driving to see her now or bumping into my father again. I don’t know what I would even say to her now.

What would you do in my place?

I say this kindly but I would suggest you explore therapy if you haven't already. Both of your parents are abusive. Not only did your mother fail to protect you from your father, she continues to abuse you as an adult. You are unable to detach yourself due to what you see as an obligation.

Personally, I would remove the toxicity from your life and your children's lives so I would never see either of them again. But you'll likely need a therapist to help you through this process.

I would cut her off as well, she didn't protect you from your abusive father and her behaviour is toxic. She's happy to drop you and your kids when it suits her then wants to play happy families, it's not ok.

In your place I would get therapy to help you realise that whilst your feelings ( fog - fear, obligation and guilt) are very normal, you do not have to live your life worrying about your dysfunctional and abusive dm.
Your dm did nothing to protect you as a dc when you needed her most.
If you really want to have a relationship with your dm do it on your terms with boundaries in place.
Remember just because she’s your dm doesn’t mean you have to continue with this relationship. You wouldn’t remain friends with any non family member who was trying to coerce you into seeing your df.

There's no resolution with people like this except to walk away. It's your mother's day too, make it about you.

I did see a therapist for a few years, she said I need to work on ‘acceptance’, as my mother will never change, so I needed to reframe the relationship and my reactions. It felt a bit like victim blaming at the time. I have tried to accept dm can’t change, and I know she is what she is, but how does that help? She is not going to magically be a mother to me I know, but I had hoped for a working relationship.

My aunt in an unguarded moment seemed to imply that my mother has spoken about me unkindly to the whole family, so she can’t be ‘seen’ to be communicating with me as it makes her look like a hypocrite. I can’t believe dm would do this to me, so I have tried not to think about it. But maybe there is some truth to it.

It seems like your previous therapist took you part of the way - you're right, your mother will never change. Now you need some therapy for you, and for that frightened little girl with the abusive parents who deserved so much better.

Hopefully with support you will realise that you did not deserve to be treated like that and you don't deserve it now. How would you feel about walking away from your mother, closing down all contact? Do you think there might be some relief there?

There is a lot of work that goes behind getting to the point of acceptance. I understand why that felt like victim blaming. It wasn’t. This is about accepting you cannot do anything to get your parents to treat you and your children respectfully. It is also about detaching from the situation and wanting / expecting a different outcome.

I also think I would go back to therapy. Therapy is difficult. You have to open up, expose yourself, allow yourself to be vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage and a very good therapist to reach this point. Once you’ve got there, then some very real healing can start.

It would mean not having any family at all if I walk away. My aunt would distance herself, my father is out of the picture and my brother no longer speaks to me because he doesn’t want to compromise his relationship with them and is ‘on my fathers side’ in his words.

i would be truly on my own, as my in laws have died and dhs only sibling alsi died sadly. It would mean having no family whatsoever.

The relief would come from not worrying about how to manage it all, for family occasions especially, and not holding hope where there is none.

It would be the total loss of hope, and never seeing or hearing her voice again, which she seems content to run that risk, but for me it’s an enormous loss. I am not medicated, I see this with total clarity. It would be similar to a bereavement but she is still alive..

As someone who’s mum was similar to your Dad and Dad similar to your mum, I’d say keep your kids the hell away from these people. The damage these kind of toxic people can cause is immense

To add, once you have had the therapy, the dynamics will change, you will be in charge of the relationship with your mother. For now, if you want to protect yourself, you could go no contact yourself. If you don’t want to send anything for Mother’s Day, don’t.

I understand what you mean about the therapist, my dd had a similar experience. I think what is about is if you can change the impact it has on you then that's better for you. So yes it is you doing the changing but the reality is she won't change so all that can change is how you react to it.

The silence is to ensure when she comes back you are too afraid to challenge her and will accept how she treats you.

Tbh the best thing you could do is cut them both out of your life entirely. Teach your children not to tolerate abuse , none of you are benefiting from this relationship so why continue it? Just because you share some genes isn't really a good reason.

Much better to be on your own than have toxicity

It's ok to not have family, especially if that family is toxic.

You can either just be a family of you, your dh and your kids or you can build up friendships to become an extended family.

Walking away is a complete valid option. What do you owe them? Nothing! They’ll be fucking up your kids too if you stay in contact with them.

I ditched my dad when I turned 50, just couldn’t be arsed with the charade any more.

The older my children get the more incredulous I am at being treated so badly by my father growing up and he’s a person from the past for me now.

I do have really lovely friends, and my own family. I feel vulnerable without a single member of actual family I guess, even though they have refused point blank to help even in medical emergencies dh and I managed alone. I don’t really know what I need them for?

I just have this cold feeling of having no one in the world to turn to, even if that’s not true as I have some really genuinely lovely friends. And I am a capable person, not a needy sort, and tend to figure out my own solutions rapidly.

It’s just a sense of vulnerability it leaves me with. I can’t explain it beyond that.

I'm so sorry that you've got such abusive parents op. Your mother continues to abuse you. I think when your therapist talked about acceptance you might have interpreted it as putting up with it. The therapist is correct, she is never going to change or be the kind loving mother you deserve....for whatever messed up reasons of her own she has some very unpleasant behaviour patterns. As scary and heartbreaking as it is I think you do need to break off all ties with them. They are not behaving like a family and if your aunt reduces contact with you then this just shows how enmeshed in the abuse she is as well.

You've done a great job so far protecting your kids. Now you need to protect yourself. You can invest your time and energy in building friendships instead. I agree with others, I think you would benefit from more therapy to work through this.

If you feel you need permission to step back completely, I'm giving it to you. Family isn't always about blood relatives, so look at those around you. Plus, you have your own family that you've built, one that's filled with love and kindness.

Keeping in touch doesn't do anything bar continue to keep you in the same dynamic of trying to appease your mother. Why should she be appeased? She's not royalty and you're not a small child who needs to keep her sweet to survive.

Focus on your positive relationships and let this one go.

Get yourself across onto the Stately Homes thread. Many people with parents similar to yours. You will get lots of advice and understanding there.
For what it's worth I think you have done the right thing in removing your children from the relationship. You need to remove yourself to protect yourself. Lots of people have no family save their own family unit.
I removed myself from my parents and, after the initial worry, have a better life for it.

I understand what you mean about having no family of origin at all. It, initially, feels very empty and almost shameful. But you have a family, you've made your own new one. Your parents just don't deserve you.

But you do have family. You have a husband and children. If your parents aren’t good enough for your children (and they aren’t - they are actively harmful to them) then they aren’t good enough for you. Your mother is a manipulative witch who stood by as father abused you for your whole childhood and threw you out when you were still a child. Your therapist was right. You need to accept that she will never change and that means she doesn’t deserve you. Free yourself from her. An empathetic therapist could be helpful during this process. What does your husband think of her? Surely he’s appalled.

Thank you for such gentle and kind posts, I accept I probably need to go back into counselling. I might always need it after what has happened ( this is the least of it on here)

I have this inkling that my mother needs me to serve a purpose, and that is to put all of the blame and responsibility of their failures and difficulties on to me.

The family narrative has always been that I am a bad person, and that they would have been happy had I not been such an awful child/baby etc. I know it’s not true. I was an extremely timid unconfident child falling over myself to please.

It’s like this narrative is just stuck on a loop though, and they want to think the worst of me all of the time, that they just can’t see the kind, loving and capable person I have become.

Within minutes of most interactions she will start to roll out the old narrative that I am the root of her unhappiness and the family dysfunction, even when she doesn’t mean to.

If I am no longer around that does cause significant problems, as they only have each other to blame. They can’t deflect the responsibility on to me. That would be a relief. To step away from that, because it makes me feel like the person I actually am is invisible, and not ‘real’ and their version and narrative is the real me, because they ‘know’ me and I am bad news. It compromises my sense of self. If that makes sense?

Where is the stately homes thread?

We don’t have older relatives my dc can spend time with, because none are alive. My children are appalled at her behaviour and no longer respond to her at all. My mother blames me for that too, saying I poisoned them against her, but the truth is my dc just sat and listened to her and promptly labelled her a raging narcissist! They are teens.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

You will find stories here which so align with yours and hopefully take strength like many people have before. Your mother sounds just as abusive as your father and so far from what ‘family’ should mean.